quetzy lux is allowed to watch twin peaks, jerry springer and twilight zone

baby mama doll hates cartoons

the doll is not your regular mom - she's a cool mom. instead of parking quetzy in front of the TV with some mindless cartoon programme on - she educates her newborn daughter with such films as full metal jacket, american pie  and the godfather.

this doesn't surprise me one bit and would have been yesterday's news, but after telling the story to mates, probably expecting LOLs, she has taken her distaste of popular children's films to her magazine the pretty people club, advocating and urging other parents to boycott on behalf of their children; and even went as far as to suggest other worthwhile films. so today, in full print, appeared her reviews :

the shining a highly motivated writer seeks inspiration and success for latest novel in winter refuge and, through innovate ways, rekindles relationship with family - five stars

the little mermaid a half-woman, half-fish redhead hybrid falls in love with a human, only to lose her voice. a strong metaphor for the stupidity of monogamy and the suppression of feminism - one stars

dracula  in this original 1931 film, a prosperous, recluse bachelor lures a man to his faraway castle under the prospects of real estate and, in turn, the man becomes the bachelor's wingman. in the end, the recluse bachelor finds his true love and purpose for life - five stars

scream a great film. a group of brats are culled out via a psychopathic killer dressed in halloween garb. this film sends a great warning to teenagers - don't drink, do drugs, say "i'll be right back," or have sex - four and a half stars (half a star off for the police force in the film - specifically scene where officer riley eats ice cream cone instead of doing 'real work')

garfield i liked this film. cats are inherently valuable animals. this film makes sense - four stars

kids another set of parents fail to do their jobs as AIDS spreads through a group of trouble-addled friends - strong lesson for youth : wear a condom - four stars

lady and the tramp a ludicrous plot - what could a restaurant owner possibly have to gain by handing out an otherwise good meal to dogs, when he could sell it to human beings? a dog cannot pay for spaghetti, and payment is the only honest way to truly show appreciation for value - one star

quetzy is going to be the coolest baby on the block. soon she will be smoking cigarettes, discussing nietzsche and will be seen at the riot house bar, swigging scotch on a regular basis. with a hip mom like the doll, there will be no barbies and cartoons for Q!

doll's baby daddy is a dick, fucker and an asshole

he now joins the clubs with all the others

during a press conference to announce the release date of the book she has seemingly been writing for 10 years, a reporter casually thought it would be a great time to ask kathleen how quetzy lux's baby daddy / doll enemy #1, joey kiss is doing.

baby babble snorted, "that asshole? joey is a dick and a fucker and is deader to me than my old dead housekeeper trotsky." LOL. she then spent the last 30 minutes of the junket talking about what a shitty dad to baby q he was and an even worse ex. ouch.

she said that he was constantly late to pick up and drop off his daughter and that each time, he is with a different woman. she also said that quetzy's diaper bag smells like booze and heroin. JK. that's just joey's natural musk.

joey kiss then responded in typical kiss fashion by saying that kathleen is nuts and pages him night and day. he said he has thought relentlessly about throwing his pager in the nearest garbage can every time the doll's number shows up, but can't, because, "she is the mother of my child and may need me someday."

need you? for what? a laugh?! she's probably only paging you because she has your number mixed up with one of her drug dealers! you should stick your head in a garbage can and wait for the next page, kiss.

welcome quetzy lux

it's a glorious day for the makers of blonde hair dye for babies and for drama queens who need some inspiration, because yesterday in a glamorous birthing suite in a hospital in arcadia somewhere, a baby was evacuated from the doll's body to the sounds of angels in heaven singing harmoniously.

what a proud moment for baby daddy joey...NOT! sodapop told the throng of reporters outside that as soon as his sister set sights on joey, she picked up her bedside phone and told the nurse to call security, because there was a "strange man" she didn't know in her room. LOL, she would. joey is a strange man.

on his way out of the hospital, joey caught up with the fence and basically said everything is alleged, because, "there are no stones being thrown her way. the devil is in full effect at all times. god is the way." LOL and then god said, "...um, i don't know him."

but honestly, nobody really cares. the only detail any of us really care about is THE NAME!!!! and allow me to introduce :

quetzalith lux büüski honeyblossum zarathustra kiss

...or you know, "Q" for short, or quetzy lux.

let's be real, i think the doll threw a bunch of scrabble letters in a lottery machine and this is what came out. the doll should have really paid tribute to her real loves by naming her daughter ballet slipper cocaine candy kiss, but oh well....

welcome baby Q!

bae's crazy ex goes crazy on the doll

ah, and just when everything was going so well! LOL - not. kathleen extended her stay in arcadia and right when she and bae baebel were just beginning to fall madly in cokey love circa the old days, he went and screwed it all up!

sodapop told papers that bae just got out of a ultra toxic relationship...with none other than argosy burns, star of kathleen's first film, shady lake, and daughter of baby babble's boss. of fucking course she is! cut the water and power, baby babble, this bitch has got to go! and it didn't take long for argosy to go stage 5 screw loose schizo - soda told papers that she has been ringing the house nonstop and paging the doll under various numbers and names, threatening to beat her up. just your your everyday basic white female syndrome shit. you know argosy is camped out of lisbon drive, sleeping in her car, stealing the doll's mail and probably trying to convince bae she is pregnant with his kid. this girl sounds on the level.

sadly, whatever hooks argosy has in bae have stuck, because he got word to doll to kindly fuck the fuck off and that he and argosy are going to give their relationship another shot. um, she didn't take it well.

first thing, she phoned argosy and said, "I IS YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE, THAT'S WHO I IS!!!" and then quickly added a brutal death sequence in shady lake in which argosy's character plummets to a pit of alligators and is eaten alive.

don't worry, doll, this isn't the last they've seen of you! they won't live long to tell the tale. not because you'll murder them, but because they are junkies slowly dying of lame needle drugs like people back in the 19_0s. don't get me wrong - i 'get' how some romanticize being a drug junkie during more "authentic" times, but not kathleen - she prefers smoking doobies and vibing out to the twilight zone on the reg.

the doll should totally ask for that £20 she lent bae back.

baby babble gets bae'd up

has best movie date ever

bae baebel may have lived in arcadia his entire life, but the doll just took note!

after the sad, broken remains of whatever the doll and joey had turned to rust, crumbled and went back where it came from, kathleen is finally over kiss.

enter bae : wild indian, curly-hair, shamanistic qualities, but still a little bit of a thug - basically everything wet mop kiss was not. what the doll might call a "real man." key word : MIGHT.

and the way his gangster is set up - bae had already organized a super cool cokey drug deal at the movie theatre. on top of that, he paid with gift cards and brought in a plastic grocery bag of liquor and assorted drugs and sundries, not giving 2 fucks about the security and also not giving 2 fucks about embarrassing pobrecita baby babble who has more than enough petty cash to cover tickets, 2 cocktails and some candy, but, um...do your thing bae...it's cute that you're trying. besides, as high and mighty his ass might be - you know he totally asked the doll to bum £20 on their way out. he just seems the type and kathleen can't resist.

before the movie began, the two had to use the bathroom and after the doll waited 15+ minutes - aka forever in her time - she went in alone, probably wondering WTF bae was up to...who knows? enter bae again : within seconds of sitting down, he cracked open two beers, kicked his feet up on a seat and took a phone call. i am sure the people in the movie theatre were like, um, plz let these people be struck dead by lightening right now...i know i would be.

and then the drug deal! bae dipped off, leaving kathleen by herself again, and came back moments later. the doll didn't fall off the back of the turnip truck yesterday - she asked if he was still holding. um, hunny, this is bae we're talking about - if he wasn't holding, you wouldn't have the right person.

she then demanded, princess style, that he take the rest of the drugs. and she sure as shit didn't have to tell him twice! he left to snort lines in the bathroom, came back and 15 minutes later the movie was over. best. date. ever.

jk, worst date ever.

doll kicks it on indian reservation for a week

gets bae'd up

the doll was supposed to go home last week to see mama doll, hire her on as a newborn nursemaid and return back to to paradise, but because she is who she is...it didn't quite go down like that.

instead, as soon as she landed, kathleen got boo'd up with some mystery man! sodapop told papers that his mother was "furious" after discovering that his sister's plane landed and she immediately hauled tail to spend time with "some guy" on a nearby indian reservation.

SOME GUY?!?!?! the doll wouldn't hang with just anyone. she keeps very few people in her circle, she is such a drama queen. but the perp actually has a name and somewhat of a purpose in life - his name is bae baebel, and he works on the reservation as a medicine man. someone should have said that in the first place! duh, lil mama was just there to score some magic mushrooms off her new found shaman indian boo...

maybe it's the pregnancy hormones, but it sure didn't take long for the doll to fall head over ballet slippers in love! right now she is currently, probably, 9 times out of 10 looking for a way to add his name on the baby's birth certificate. JK! she only added him to her bank account, lease, life insurance policy and her will.

the best part of the story is, as smart as kathleen is, she went into mercury retrograde for a hot minute and forgot that horseback is not the most convenient way to the airport. she had to phone up - you guessed it - mama doll! mama doll was obvio less than excited to make that trip. in fact, soda told papers that before she reluctantly agreed, she screeched, "why don't you get that chief littlefeather to take you?!" LOL, put the young blood in her place!

seriously doll, stop tripping. go back home to the isle of grimaldi, cleanse your soul of evil eyes in the ocean and forget about your lame pow-wow under the full moon, beside the campfire and where wild coyotes were yipping around the totem pole. you'll live to break another heart and bae can go back to whatever rock he crawled out from underneath. continue on!

doll has a feeling to kill joey

joey caught whispering with strippers

the doll is sharpening her sharpest knives and polishing her favorite bullets, because last night joey was photographed talking to numerous known strippers at the aptly named big booty judy's strip club in downtown grimaldi.

obvio, big booty judy's #1 lonely customer, sodapop, tipped the doll off that her #1 least favorite new ex was on the scene. within minutes, as if by bitch magic, she appeared.

now everyone knows that in the strip club, the most popular person is whoever has the most money. and it obviously wasn't joey last night. within minutes of kathleen and her fleet arriving, the place was shut down. shut down as in security formed a small army mob around the doll and her friends as they showered cash on a small bevy of the club's best dancers, that also equally have the best stripper names : sexy red, tipdrill, spyda, strawberry and fruit, queen sheba, etc. it didn't take but 3 seconds for the floor of their VIP section to be covered in bills.

no wonder the doll asked for security to protect her - joey is broke as a joke, with good money on the ground, no one is safe!

kathleen buys a lady cave

yes, buys

so i guess that "blind item" that was floating around about the two kisses becoming the two kisses once again must have had its wings clipped, fallen from the heavens and to its death because the doll is a proud new homeowner of a big ass mansion in grimaldi. she has three acres worth of lush gardens, several tropical swimming pools and a private beach only accessible by boat. fancy bitch. and although there are 13 bedrooms in her new home, not one of them has a sign saying : JOEY'S ROOM, NO GOILS ALLOWED outside.

oh well, hopefully his bedroom in the alley behind the riot house is comfy! because his ass is going to be there for a while. maybe if he rearranges his broken vodka bottles and cardboard boxes, it will feel more like home? LOL, then again, maybe not.

sodapop told papers, in between moving box after box of doll's shit out, that he is sure the kisses are soul mates and that the doll is only doing this to joey to see him squeamish. coolio.....

i don't get it - if the doll is heartbroken, barefoot and pregnant and joey is heartbroken, why don't those 2 just give it another chance? no one cares what they do, as long as they provide us with hot drama to distract us from our boring lives. i'm just trying to tell you.......

baby babble begs kiss to stay

kathleen is president of the broken hearts club

stay?? oh honnay que pena! he is long gone! and....am i on another planet in outer space right now huffing moon dust and eating supernova bites? because seriously, last time i checked, i thought she dumped him!!

word has come out today (from joey's camp of hobo friends, no less) that the doll has been begging joey to return to her. that dog should know to come when called!

anyways, it all began the other week with her famous love notes, and then continued when she invited him on a "friendly, casual, chill" dinner that quickly turned into an unfriendly, hella super awkward, very unchill night out on the isle of grimaldi, where the doll is currently looking to purchase a huge ass mansion to throw single lady parties in hopefully.

so the two had dinner last week, and this is when joey claims the doll really started to "lose it". sigh. he said after seeing each other in person for the first time since their breakup, she began leaving him crazy answerphone messages, saying that she made a big mistake and needed him to come home.

obvio mommy kat wants to settle down with her newborn, a husband, a golden retriever and own a house with white picket fences. how typical of her! yawn. bore. she should paint her house tie-dye, pierce her baby's nose, plant marijuana in the victory garden and make a tofurky for thanksgiving. she needs to keep it a little more cutting edge, this is the doll we're talking about.

wut a bitch!

doll buys joey's dream car for herself

wow being the doll's ex must be fun - you get booted out of the mansion to live in a gutter, you have no real talents aside from making the doll giggle and her heart go pitter patter, you have no money since everything is in her name, no one recognizes you without the doll next to you and if they do recognize you, you receive looks of pity, the list could go on... and now joey can add another reason he is glad the doll made her grand exit off the stage of his life - she just bought his dream car! some 1960s classic greasermobile with dice hanging off the mirror. and if that didn't twist the knife deeper into his heart, her vanity license plate reads : 1SINGLE1

ouch. wasn't is just last week we saw joey hawking all his old doll-affiliated junk on the corner just so he can make rent? kathleen should cruise by blaring riot grrrl music and flip him the bird.

in other doll news, she was seen riding around in aforementioned dream car with an unidentified tall, dark, handsome male. has holzy been replaced? is anyones' heart safe?

joey leaves sad, crazy answerphone message for holzy

released early this morning via the internet via heartbreak, joey left a super threatening message to holzy about the doll and how he will "teach him a lesson he'll never forget."

the message was left late last night for holzy and it's been a couple weeks since the big breakup, so this is completely predictable behavior of any upset kiss...

joey said that the doll is "slipping" and needs to "tighten up"; says he should have kept a better eye on her, also, "you niggas is all the same and none of these ladies loyal..."

at one point, probably in a drunken, cokey daze, joey thought he was on the radio and would exclaim, "are we live? am i live right now?" and proceed to brag that, "i have 6 rolls royces parked outside right now. i'll throw anyone the keys to the ghost and hop in the cadillac truck and come find you." um, too bad every single one of those cars are in the doll's name, LOL!

at the end of the message, joey got sentimental and said, "once she has the baby, it's over and you know it." as to what will be over, who knows? joey is nuts obvi. he then capped it up with revoking the doll-issued godfather-ship from holzy, and said, "i never want you near my child." um, if it even is his child........*gulps*

doll sends "hunny i don't love you anymore" heartbreak page to joey

like something out of a soap opera - the doll and joey have finally called it quits. details are still sketchy as to what exactly happened, but i am confident that kathleen's brother sodapop will be spilling soon.

whatever - who knows what happened and who cares - the beautiful one dumped another kiss like a hot bag of rocks and she is free once again! knowing her, though, she probably has 16 other boyfriends waiting in the wing, but i am sure she is holding out for holzy's heart.....so she can break it LOL!

with all this free time on her hands, the doll can do all of the things she's been missing out on, like flirting with boys, staying up past her bedtime watching WWII documentaries, singing loudly during bubble baths and eating brazillian bon bons all day. sigh, to be single....

shocker! beautiful one smokes bday clove while pregnant

better than a bday blunt, but still.....

scandalous pictures surfaced from kathleen's birthday party last night, which continued into the wee hours of this morning, of her smoking a clove and she is under all sorts of fire for it! when kathleen woke up this morning, put on her fake eyelashes and strolled into the XERB TV station to make a special appearance on the 10 AM news, i doubt she expected to be face to face with pictures of herself smoking.....only that's exactly how it went down.

she must have been feeling nice, because she began to take questions from the audience about her pregnancy, when one of the anchors asked her about the photo of her puff puff puffing away. you could practically see the train engine steam coming from the doll's ears. she calmly took a breath and told the anchor, "you had better take that photo off of the screen. now."

gulp. she means business. seconds later, the interview was over and the doll stomped off of the stage.

once outside the studio, kathleen told press agents to toilet-papers the anchor's house and then proceeded to give the woman's address. LOL, go doll! revenge is a dish best served piping hot.