doll exchanges love letters

while bae is in the hole!

oh doll, jail life isn't pretty!

our beautiful queen doll has lately been finding herself #1 clink pen pal to none other than bae baebel, the same pea-brained toad who broke her heart into smithereens not a couple months ago!! only her last couple letters were not returned....commence media blackout!

it didn't take long for the sunshine kid to turn category 5 hurricane bitch and haul her cookies down to the cop shop for some answers! LOL on a scale of 0 to chris brown she was pissed.

the pigs didn't have much to say other than he was punished after guards watched a video visit between the doll and bae. and to answer your question - the shit wasn't PG-13 by any means. so obvio, they took his privileges away, one being letter writing.

OMG i love them they are like a poetic, second rate, straight-to-video version of sid and nancy. next she'll be hanging outside the methadone clinic in fishnet tights, smoking ciggies like it was CBGBs 1977. how punk.

just, um, don't put money on his commissary!! you should spend that shit on bubble baths, hair dye, nail polish, fake eyelashes, high heels, trips to the drive-in movie theatre, glow sticks, comfy non-skid house slippers, a yacht, cheeseburgers, magic spells, snow tires for the gravedigger, the movie titanic, bathroom caulk, candy, unpaid parking tickets, a complete thanksgiving meal, an albino sphynx, books on learning portuguese, a pony, a gustav klimt painting, cold medicine, a cruise to the bahamas, groceries, a new pair of ballet slippers, a better world perspective, a john bonham-worthy drum set, lip gloss......do you see where i am going with this?? spend your money on anything else! i mean, shit, can i get something?

she's the type of person you want to be friends with. writes your ass letters and makes sure you have some junk food. next she'll flash him during visitation and give him a stripper-style lapdance. oh wait........

bae gets hemmed up

wears "i love dope" shirt, gets busted for you know where this is going.....

in cokey behavior typical of the doll via 3 years ago, bae just joined the long list of lames - which includes former baby babble heartbreaks beau badman, joey and jimmy kiss and maynard alberkraut - whose address reads : inmate #equis, cellblock 67, c/o the pokey, downtown arcadia.

all i can say is mr. baebel takes one glamorous mugshot and delivers the good people of arcadia some bad boy realness, while throwing a glazed-look that either says "i just got done crying in the back of the paddywagon" or, "can we hurry this shit up? there's an 8-ball out there just calling my name" and wearing a throwback track jacket that tells me he definitely hit a lick on an emo hipster teenager before he got to the police station. beat that camera with your eyes, bae.

naturally argosy dropped everything she was doing - crackpipe - and ran to downtown to throw rocks at bae's window and flash him from the street below.

and it looks like she'll have all the time in the world - sodapop told reporters that, despite argosy's lame attempts to auction her soul off, she will no longer be working on the shady lake set. DUH! you don't have to be stephen hawking to figure that one out.

i'll bet the laughs could be heard bouncing off the canyons the day she showed up to the set! the doll probably pointed to the dumpster and said, "go back to where you came from."

bae's crazy ex goes crazy on the doll

ah, and just when everything was going so well! LOL - not. kathleen extended her stay in arcadia and right when she and bae baebel were just beginning to fall madly in cokey love circa the old days, he went and screwed it all up!

sodapop told papers that bae just got out of a ultra toxic relationship...with none other than argosy burns, star of kathleen's first film, shady lake, and daughter of baby babble's boss. of fucking course she is! cut the water and power, baby babble, this bitch has got to go! and it didn't take long for argosy to go stage 5 screw loose schizo - soda told papers that she has been ringing the house nonstop and paging the doll under various numbers and names, threatening to beat her up. just your your everyday basic white female syndrome shit. you know argosy is camped out of lisbon drive, sleeping in her car, stealing the doll's mail and probably trying to convince bae she is pregnant with his kid. this girl sounds on the level.

sadly, whatever hooks argosy has in bae have stuck, because he got word to doll to kindly fuck the fuck off and that he and argosy are going to give their relationship another shot. um, she didn't take it well.

first thing, she phoned argosy and said, "I IS YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE, THAT'S WHO I IS!!!" and then quickly added a brutal death sequence in shady lake in which argosy's character plummets to a pit of alligators and is eaten alive.

don't worry, doll, this isn't the last they've seen of you! they won't live long to tell the tale. not because you'll murder them, but because they are junkies slowly dying of lame needle drugs like people back in the 19_0s. don't get me wrong - i 'get' how some romanticize being a drug junkie during more "authentic" times, but not kathleen - she prefers smoking doobies and vibing out to the twilight zone on the reg.

the doll should totally ask for that £20 she lent bae back.

baby babble gets bae'd up

has best movie date ever

bae baebel may have lived in arcadia his entire life, but the doll just took note!

after the sad, broken remains of whatever the doll and joey had turned to rust, crumbled and went back where it came from, kathleen is finally over kiss.

enter bae : wild indian, curly-hair, shamanistic qualities, but still a little bit of a thug - basically everything wet mop kiss was not. what the doll might call a "real man." key word : MIGHT.

and the way his gangster is set up - bae had already organized a super cool cokey drug deal at the movie theatre. on top of that, he paid with gift cards and brought in a plastic grocery bag of liquor and assorted drugs and sundries, not giving 2 fucks about the security and also not giving 2 fucks about embarrassing pobrecita baby babble who has more than enough petty cash to cover tickets, 2 cocktails and some candy, but, um...do your thing bae...it's cute that you're trying. besides, as high and mighty his ass might be - you know he totally asked the doll to bum £20 on their way out. he just seems the type and kathleen can't resist.

before the movie began, the two had to use the bathroom and after the doll waited 15+ minutes - aka forever in her time - she went in alone, probably wondering WTF bae was up to...who knows? enter bae again : within seconds of sitting down, he cracked open two beers, kicked his feet up on a seat and took a phone call. i am sure the people in the movie theatre were like, um, plz let these people be struck dead by lightening right now...i know i would be.

and then the drug deal! bae dipped off, leaving kathleen by herself again, and came back moments later. the doll didn't fall off the back of the turnip truck yesterday - she asked if he was still holding. um, hunny, this is bae we're talking about - if he wasn't holding, you wouldn't have the right person.

she then demanded, princess style, that he take the rest of the drugs. and she sure as shit didn't have to tell him twice! he left to snort lines in the bathroom, came back and 15 minutes later the movie was over. best. date. ever.

jk, worst date ever.

doll kicks it on indian reservation for a week

gets bae'd up

the doll was supposed to go home last week to see mama doll, hire her on as a newborn nursemaid and return back to to paradise, but because she is who she is...it didn't quite go down like that.

instead, as soon as she landed, kathleen got boo'd up with some mystery man! sodapop told papers that his mother was "furious" after discovering that his sister's plane landed and she immediately hauled tail to spend time with "some guy" on a nearby indian reservation.

SOME GUY?!?!?! the doll wouldn't hang with just anyone. she keeps very few people in her circle, she is such a drama queen. but the perp actually has a name and somewhat of a purpose in life - his name is bae baebel, and he works on the reservation as a medicine man. someone should have said that in the first place! duh, lil mama was just there to score some magic mushrooms off her new found shaman indian boo...

maybe it's the pregnancy hormones, but it sure didn't take long for the doll to fall head over ballet slippers in love! right now she is currently, probably, 9 times out of 10 looking for a way to add his name on the baby's birth certificate. JK! she only added him to her bank account, lease, life insurance policy and her will.

the best part of the story is, as smart as kathleen is, she went into mercury retrograde for a hot minute and forgot that horseback is not the most convenient way to the airport. she had to phone up - you guessed it - mama doll! mama doll was obvio less than excited to make that trip. in fact, soda told papers that before she reluctantly agreed, she screeched, "why don't you get that chief littlefeather to take you?!" LOL, put the young blood in her place!

seriously doll, stop tripping. go back home to the isle of grimaldi, cleanse your soul of evil eyes in the ocean and forget about your lame pow-wow under the full moon, beside the campfire and where wild coyotes were yipping around the totem pole. you'll live to break another heart and bae can go back to whatever rock he crawled out from underneath. continue on!