welcome quetzy lux

it's a glorious day for the makers of blonde hair dye for babies and for drama queens who need some inspiration, because yesterday in a glamorous birthing suite in a hospital in arcadia somewhere, a baby was evacuated from the doll's body to the sounds of angels in heaven singing harmoniously.

what a proud moment for baby daddy joey...NOT! sodapop told the throng of reporters outside that as soon as his sister set sights on joey, she picked up her bedside phone and told the nurse to call security, because there was a "strange man" she didn't know in her room. LOL, she would. joey is a strange man.

on his way out of the hospital, joey caught up with the fence and basically said everything is alleged, because, "there are no stones being thrown her way. the devil is in full effect at all times. god is the way." LOL and then god said, "...um, i don't know him."

but honestly, nobody really cares. the only detail any of us really care about is THE NAME!!!! and allow me to introduce :

quetzalith lux büüski honeyblossum zarathustra kiss

...or you know, "Q" for short, or quetzy lux.

let's be real, i think the doll threw a bunch of scrabble letters in a lottery machine and this is what came out. the doll should have really paid tribute to her real loves by naming her daughter ballet slipper cocaine candy kiss, but oh well....

welcome baby Q!

bae gets hemmed up

wears "i love dope" shirt, gets busted for you know where this is going.....

in cokey behavior typical of the doll via 3 years ago, bae just joined the long list of lames - which includes former baby babble heartbreaks beau badman, joey and jimmy kiss and maynard alberkraut - whose address reads : inmate #equis, cellblock 67, c/o the pokey, downtown arcadia.

all i can say is mr. baebel takes one glamorous mugshot and delivers the good people of arcadia some bad boy realness, while throwing a glazed-look that either says "i just got done crying in the back of the paddywagon" or, "can we hurry this shit up? there's an 8-ball out there just calling my name" and wearing a throwback track jacket that tells me he definitely hit a lick on an emo hipster teenager before he got to the police station. beat that camera with your eyes, bae.

naturally argosy dropped everything she was doing - crackpipe - and ran to downtown to throw rocks at bae's window and flash him from the street below.

and it looks like she'll have all the time in the world - sodapop told reporters that, despite argosy's lame attempts to auction her soul off, she will no longer be working on the shady lake set. DUH! you don't have to be stephen hawking to figure that one out.

i'll bet the laughs could be heard bouncing off the canyons the day she showed up to the set! the doll probably pointed to the dumpster and said, "go back to where you came from."

bae's crazy ex goes crazy on the doll

ah, and just when everything was going so well! LOL - not. kathleen extended her stay in arcadia and right when she and bae baebel were just beginning to fall madly in cokey love circa the old days, he went and screwed it all up!

sodapop told papers that bae just got out of a ultra toxic relationship...with none other than argosy burns, star of kathleen's first film, shady lake, and daughter of baby babble's boss. of fucking course she is! cut the water and power, baby babble, this bitch has got to go! and it didn't take long for argosy to go stage 5 screw loose schizo - soda told papers that she has been ringing the house nonstop and paging the doll under various numbers and names, threatening to beat her up. just your your everyday basic white female syndrome shit. you know argosy is camped out of lisbon drive, sleeping in her car, stealing the doll's mail and probably trying to convince bae she is pregnant with his kid. this girl sounds on the level.

sadly, whatever hooks argosy has in bae have stuck, because he got word to doll to kindly fuck the fuck off and that he and argosy are going to give their relationship another shot. um, she didn't take it well.

first thing, she phoned argosy and said, "I IS YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE, THAT'S WHO I IS!!!" and then quickly added a brutal death sequence in shady lake in which argosy's character plummets to a pit of alligators and is eaten alive.

don't worry, doll, this isn't the last they've seen of you! they won't live long to tell the tale. not because you'll murder them, but because they are junkies slowly dying of lame needle drugs like people back in the 19_0s. don't get me wrong - i 'get' how some romanticize being a drug junkie during more "authentic" times, but not kathleen - she prefers smoking doobies and vibing out to the twilight zone on the reg.

the doll should totally ask for that £20 she lent bae back.

doll kicks it on indian reservation for a week

gets bae'd up

the doll was supposed to go home last week to see mama doll, hire her on as a newborn nursemaid and return back to to paradise, but because she is who she is...it didn't quite go down like that.

instead, as soon as she landed, kathleen got boo'd up with some mystery man! sodapop told papers that his mother was "furious" after discovering that his sister's plane landed and she immediately hauled tail to spend time with "some guy" on a nearby indian reservation.

SOME GUY?!?!?! the doll wouldn't hang with just anyone. she keeps very few people in her circle, she is such a drama queen. but the perp actually has a name and somewhat of a purpose in life - his name is bae baebel, and he works on the reservation as a medicine man. someone should have said that in the first place! duh, lil mama was just there to score some magic mushrooms off her new found shaman indian boo...

maybe it's the pregnancy hormones, but it sure didn't take long for the doll to fall head over ballet slippers in love! right now she is currently, probably, 9 times out of 10 looking for a way to add his name on the baby's birth certificate. JK! she only added him to her bank account, lease, life insurance policy and her will.

the best part of the story is, as smart as kathleen is, she went into mercury retrograde for a hot minute and forgot that horseback is not the most convenient way to the airport. she had to phone up - you guessed it - mama doll! mama doll was obvio less than excited to make that trip. in fact, soda told papers that before she reluctantly agreed, she screeched, "why don't you get that chief littlefeather to take you?!" LOL, put the young blood in her place!

seriously doll, stop tripping. go back home to the isle of grimaldi, cleanse your soul of evil eyes in the ocean and forget about your lame pow-wow under the full moon, beside the campfire and where wild coyotes were yipping around the totem pole. you'll live to break another heart and bae can go back to whatever rock he crawled out from underneath. continue on!

doll has a feeling to kill joey

joey caught whispering with strippers

the doll is sharpening her sharpest knives and polishing her favorite bullets, because last night joey was photographed talking to numerous known strippers at the aptly named big booty judy's strip club in downtown grimaldi.

obvio, big booty judy's #1 lonely customer, sodapop, tipped the doll off that her #1 least favorite new ex was on the scene. within minutes, as if by bitch magic, she appeared.

now everyone knows that in the strip club, the most popular person is whoever has the most money. and it obviously wasn't joey last night. within minutes of kathleen and her fleet arriving, the place was shut down. shut down as in security formed a small army mob around the doll and her friends as they showered cash on a small bevy of the club's best dancers, that also equally have the best stripper names : sexy red, tipdrill, spyda, strawberry and fruit, queen sheba, etc. it didn't take but 3 seconds for the floor of their VIP section to be covered in bills.

no wonder the doll asked for security to protect her - joey is broke as a joke, with good money on the ground, no one is safe!

kathleen buys a lady cave

yes, buys

so i guess that "blind item" that was floating around about the two kisses becoming the two kisses once again must have had its wings clipped, fallen from the heavens and to its death because the doll is a proud new homeowner of a big ass mansion in grimaldi. she has three acres worth of lush gardens, several tropical swimming pools and a private beach only accessible by boat. fancy bitch. and although there are 13 bedrooms in her new home, not one of them has a sign saying : JOEY'S ROOM, NO GOILS ALLOWED outside.

oh well, hopefully his bedroom in the alley behind the riot house is comfy! because his ass is going to be there for a while. maybe if he rearranges his broken vodka bottles and cardboard boxes, it will feel more like home? LOL, then again, maybe not.

sodapop told papers, in between moving box after box of doll's shit out, that he is sure the kisses are soul mates and that the doll is only doing this to joey to see him squeamish. coolio.....

i don't get it - if the doll is heartbroken, barefoot and pregnant and joey is heartbroken, why don't those 2 just give it another chance? no one cares what they do, as long as they provide us with hot drama to distract us from our boring lives. i'm just trying to tell you.......

kathleen to fans : "never kiss your dreams goodbye"

get it? kiss  your dreams goodbye!

who knows if she's talking about the original kiss : jimmy or his currently incarcerated, second-rate version little brother, joey. all i know is, she's answering fanmail again so that must mean either the fanmail is really piling up at the kisses and she can't take it anymore - or she is really trying to tell us something...

Q: What's the real story with you and Hans Von Holzhausen?
A: sounds like a german-austrian movie star
Q: What are you thinking right now?
A: i can't believe i am missing boy meets world for this!
Q: Do you have any secret admiriers?
A: shhh don't tell anyone....LOOSE LIPS SINK SHIPS....
Q: Is there anyone you are secretly admiring?
A: i get asked this all the time and although am as faithful as faithful gets; i do secretly admire from a distance
Q: With all the baby weight - are you going to be in the gym?
A: ROFL I LIFT WEIGHT BUT I DON'T SWEAT I GO 4 A SWIM BUT I DON'T GET WET
Q: What sign are you?
A: AQUEMINI - here we go aquarius, pisces, feel the flow of the fluid as i swim through it...
Q: Do you still talk to Jimmy Kiss?
A: always and forever - never kiss your dreams goodbye!
Q: How do you feel about Holzy?
A: MAGNET + STEEL; MAPOLEON AND MARIA COUNTESS WALEWSKA
Q: How does Joey feel about Holzy?
A: sees red, goes red; blacks out in a rage; throws things; throws a fit; has a panik
Q: How did Holzy get you hooked?
A: BITCHES LUV SMILEY FACES :) I LUV U HUNNY
Q: Do you take any medications?
A: cacidex pills twice a day and lupron shots
Q: Why go on a skate date with Holzy, when you knew it would get on Joey's nerves?
A: joey gets on my nerves - besides, holzy is cute and joey acts like his brother sometimes
Q: Why don't you have any friends that are women?
A: ladies is trouble - argosy is my type of woman, crazy/beautiful
Q: What names are you considering for the baby?
A: lux zarathustra.....or john joseph james kiss
Q: Is it hard to go out in public, what with all the weirdos that try to meet you, take pictures with you, etc.?
A:i am the realest fake person that there ever was - i'll sign anything, take pictures no makeup
Q: Where is your favorite place to get away?
A: grimaldi - b/c i can be a completely different person with a completely different name
Q: What are you doing right now?
A: sitting on my sofacouch, across from joey - who is passed out, dead, ZZZZz asleep - with the TV blaring. shuggie is the only person awake (it's 2:02 AM) and is in the kitchen. smells like......coffee. coffee and blueberry muffins? on the floor, wrapped in a nest of blankets and plush pillows, is sodapop. twilight zone is playing on the TV; rod sterling is in frame, smoking a cigarette. i need to take my fake eyelashes off. i am drinking a smoothie i just made of blueberries, strawberries and papaya nectar and i want a slice of angel food cake.
Q: Have you given up on finishing ❤?
A: NEVER THAT NEVER THAT - we're having the wrap party for ❤ soon, check your mail for invites.....JK!
Q: Do you miss having your nightly champagne cocktails now that you're pregnant?
A: who said i can't have a champagne cocktail? WUT R U - A COP?

wow. sounds like her valentine's day was super bien romantic. it's like i was just shot with cupid's arrow.

these are the days of our doll...

goes on a skate date with holzy

even though the beautiful one is a hella pregnant and it is below zero in arcadia, she skipped on her merry way away from joey today to go skateboarding with holzy in some downtown warehouse that probably looked like a horror movie set and probably also had a rapey vibe.

even though the warehouse is owned by holzy and a group of his lame friends, the two had the place to themselves and skated around for several hours, before returning back to holzyhaus in holzy's luxury automobile.

sodapop and ludo, who joined them at their junior high makeout party, told papers all about it. sodapop said that it was awkward to be there and he felt like they were moments away from kissing the whole time. he also added that the two were listening to R&B music and flirting nonstop with each other. barf. get a hotel room.

ludo didn't have much to comment, just that he pulled hans on the side and warned him about how many guns joey owns. word to the wise.

but still - do you, doll! if your pregnancy hormones are raging and holzy doesn't mind that you have a fiancé, by all means! but, just in case he has any sense of decency, i would get your locks changed now, doll, before joey goes stage 5 OJ psycho on you.