quetzy lux is allowed to watch twin peaks, jerry springer and twilight zone

baby mama doll hates cartoons

the doll is not your regular mom - she's a cool mom. instead of parking quetzy in front of the TV with some mindless cartoon programme on - she educates her newborn daughter with such films as full metal jacket, american pie  and the godfather.

this doesn't surprise me one bit and would have been yesterday's news, but after telling the story to mates, probably expecting LOLs, she has taken her distaste of popular children's films to her magazine the pretty people club, advocating and urging other parents to boycott on behalf of their children; and even went as far as to suggest other worthwhile films. so today, in full print, appeared her reviews :

the shining a highly motivated writer seeks inspiration and success for latest novel in winter refuge and, through innovate ways, rekindles relationship with family - five stars
the little mermaid a half-woman, half-fish redhead hybrid falls in love with a human, only to lose her voice. a strong metaphor for the stupidity of monogamy and the suppression of feminism - one stars
dracula  in this original 1931 film, a prosperous, recluse bachelor lures a man to his faraway castle under the prospects of real estate and, in turn, the man becomes the bachelor's wingman. in the end, the recluse bachelor finds his true love and purpose for life - five stars
scream a great film. a group of brats are culled out via a psychopathic killer dressed in halloween garb. this film sends a great warning to teenagers - don't drink, do drugs, say "i'll be right back," or have sex - four and a half stars (half a star off for the police force in the film - specifically scene where officer riley eats ice cream cone instead of doing 'real work')
garfield i liked this film. cats are inherently valuable animals. this film makes sense - four stars
kids another set of parents fail to do their jobs as AIDS spreads through a group of trouble-addled friends - strong lesson for youth : wear a condom - four stars
lady and the tramp a ludicrous plot - what could a restaurant owner possibly have to gain by handing out an otherwise good meal to dogs, when he could sell it to human beings? a dog cannot pay for spaghetti, and payment is the only honest way to truly show appreciation for value - one star

quetzy is going to be the coolest baby on the block. soon she will be smoking cigarettes, discussing nietzsche and will be seen at the riot house bar, swigging scotch on a regular basis. with a hip mom like the doll, there will be no barbies and cartoons for Q!

welcome quetzy lux

it's a glorious day for the makers of blonde hair dye for babies and for drama queens who need some inspiration, because yesterday in a glamorous birthing suite in a hospital in arcadia somewhere, a baby was evacuated from the doll's body to the sounds of angels in heaven singing harmoniously.

what a proud moment for baby daddy joey...NOT! sodapop told the throng of reporters outside that as soon as his sister set sights on joey, she picked up her bedside phone and told the nurse to call security, because there was a "strange man" she didn't know in her room. LOL, she would. joey is a strange man.

on his way out of the hospital, joey caught up with the fence and basically said everything is alleged, because, "there are no stones being thrown her way. the devil is in full effect at all times. god is the way." LOL and then god said, "...um, i don't know him."

but honestly, nobody really cares. the only detail any of us really care about is THE NAME!!!! and allow me to introduce :

quetzalith lux büüski honeyblossum zarathustra kiss

...or you know, "Q" for short, or quetzy lux.

let's be real, i think the doll threw a bunch of scrabble letters in a lottery machine and this is what came out. the doll should have really paid tribute to her real loves by naming her daughter ballet slipper cocaine candy kiss, but oh well....

welcome baby Q!

baby babble gets bae'd up

has best movie date ever

bae baebel may have lived in arcadia his entire life, but the doll just took note!

after the sad, broken remains of whatever the doll and joey had turned to rust, crumbled and went back where it came from, kathleen is finally over kiss.

enter bae : wild indian, curly-hair, shamanistic qualities, but still a little bit of a thug - basically everything wet mop kiss was not. what the doll might call a "real man." key word : MIGHT.

and the way his gangster is set up - bae had already organized a super cool cokey drug deal at the movie theatre. on top of that, he paid with gift cards and brought in a plastic grocery bag of liquor and assorted drugs and sundries, not giving 2 fucks about the security and also not giving 2 fucks about embarrassing pobrecita baby babble who has more than enough petty cash to cover tickets, 2 cocktails and some candy, but, um...do your thing bae...it's cute that you're trying. besides, as high and mighty his ass might be - you know he totally asked the doll to bum £20 on their way out. he just seems the type and kathleen can't resist.

before the movie began, the two had to use the bathroom and after the doll waited 15+ minutes - aka forever in her time - she went in alone, probably wondering WTF bae was up to...who knows? enter bae again : within seconds of sitting down, he cracked open two beers, kicked his feet up on a seat and took a phone call. i am sure the people in the movie theatre were like, um, plz let these people be struck dead by lightening right now...i know i would be.

and then the drug deal! bae dipped off, leaving kathleen by herself again, and came back moments later. the doll didn't fall off the back of the turnip truck yesterday - she asked if he was still holding. um, hunny, this is bae we're talking about - if he wasn't holding, you wouldn't have the right person.

she then demanded, princess style, that he take the rest of the drugs. and she sure as shit didn't have to tell him twice! he left to snort lines in the bathroom, came back and 15 minutes later the movie was over. best. date. ever.

jk, worst date ever.

doll kicks it on indian reservation for a week

gets bae'd up

the doll was supposed to go home last week to see mama doll, hire her on as a newborn nursemaid and return back to to paradise, but because she is who she is...it didn't quite go down like that.

instead, as soon as she landed, kathleen got boo'd up with some mystery man! sodapop told papers that his mother was "furious" after discovering that his sister's plane landed and she immediately hauled tail to spend time with "some guy" on a nearby indian reservation.

SOME GUY?!?!?! the doll wouldn't hang with just anyone. she keeps very few people in her circle, she is such a drama queen. but the perp actually has a name and somewhat of a purpose in life - his name is bae baebel, and he works on the reservation as a medicine man. someone should have said that in the first place! duh, lil mama was just there to score some magic mushrooms off her new found shaman indian boo...

maybe it's the pregnancy hormones, but it sure didn't take long for the doll to fall head over ballet slippers in love! right now she is currently, probably, 9 times out of 10 looking for a way to add his name on the baby's birth certificate. JK! she only added him to her bank account, lease, life insurance policy and her will.

the best part of the story is, as smart as kathleen is, she went into mercury retrograde for a hot minute and forgot that horseback is not the most convenient way to the airport. she had to phone up - you guessed it - mama doll! mama doll was obvio less than excited to make that trip. in fact, soda told papers that before she reluctantly agreed, she screeched, "why don't you get that chief littlefeather to take you?!" LOL, put the young blood in her place!

seriously doll, stop tripping. go back home to the isle of grimaldi, cleanse your soul of evil eyes in the ocean and forget about your lame pow-wow under the full moon, beside the campfire and where wild coyotes were yipping around the totem pole. you'll live to break another heart and bae can go back to whatever rock he crawled out from underneath. continue on!

baby babble begs kiss to stay

kathleen is president of the broken hearts club

stay?? oh honnay que pena! he is long gone! and....am i on another planet in outer space right now huffing moon dust and eating supernova bites? because seriously, last time i checked, i thought she dumped him!!

word has come out today (from joey's camp of hobo friends, no less) that the doll has been begging joey to return to her. that dog should know to come when called!

anyways, it all began the other week with her famous love notes, and then continued when she invited him on a "friendly, casual, chill" dinner that quickly turned into an unfriendly, hella super awkward, very unchill night out on the isle of grimaldi, where the doll is currently looking to purchase a huge ass mansion to throw single lady parties in hopefully.

so the two had dinner last week, and this is when joey claims the doll really started to "lose it". sigh. he said after seeing each other in person for the first time since their breakup, she began leaving him crazy answerphone messages, saying that she made a big mistake and needed him to come home.

obvio mommy kat wants to settle down with her newborn, a husband, a golden retriever and own a house with white picket fences. how typical of her! yawn. bore. she should paint her house tie-dye, pierce her baby's nose, plant marijuana in the victory garden and make a tofurky for thanksgiving. she needs to keep it a little more cutting edge, this is the doll we're talking about.

is baby babble going batty?

doll writes joey love notes

the press is having a field day poking fun at heartbroken doll - they "discovered" (and by discovered, i mean they carefully picked through a trashcan) several love notes left for joey outside of the hovel he is currently calling home.

ummm did i miss something? why is the beautiful one writing joey anything except for a bill for all the valuable time she wasted with him?!

one reads :

you're my joey - you'll always be my joey. i'll always love you baby. don't ever fucking question that.

*gulps* i totally see them getting back together in 4, 3, 2.......

another love notes reads like lyrics from a 1970s song :

do you remember when we first met? that's the day i knew you were my pet.

but my favorite reads :

you'll always be my baby baby baby, don't ever forget me.

doll, are you drunk? he couldn't forget you even if he got a lobotomy! first of all, you've been together for like 5 years and you two are having a child together, remember?! OMG, you really need to stop with the drama.

besides, shouldn't joey be racking whatever brain cells he has left for ways to get baby babble back? and if he can't come up with any ideas, he surely should ask his brother jimmy - it hasn't been long since those 2 split, maybe he remembers a shortcut into getting back to the doll's good graces.

.....or not! i say let them do whatever it is those two want to do. if they want to hug and kiss it out - fine - and if later kathleen wants to blame it all on mercury retrograde - so be it.

joey leaves sad, crazy answerphone message for holzy

released early this morning via the internet via heartbreak, joey left a super threatening message to holzy about the doll and how he will "teach him a lesson he'll never forget."

the message was left late last night for holzy and it's been a couple weeks since the big breakup, so this is completely predictable behavior of any upset kiss...

joey said that the doll is "slipping" and needs to "tighten up"; says he should have kept a better eye on her, also, "you niggas is all the same and none of these ladies loyal..."

at one point, probably in a drunken, cokey daze, joey thought he was on the radio and would exclaim, "are we live? am i live right now?" and proceed to brag that, "i have 6 rolls royces parked outside right now. i'll throw anyone the keys to the ghost and hop in the cadillac truck and come find you." um, too bad every single one of those cars are in the doll's name, LOL!

at the end of the message, joey got sentimental and said, "once she has the baby, it's over and you know it." as to what will be over, who knows? joey is nuts obvi. he then capped it up with revoking the doll-issued godfather-ship from holzy, and said, "i never want you near my child." um, if it even is his child........*gulps*

kathleen to fans : "never kiss your dreams goodbye"

get it? kiss  your dreams goodbye!

who knows if she's talking about the original kiss : jimmy or his currently incarcerated, second-rate version little brother, joey. all i know is, she's answering fanmail again so that must mean either the fanmail is really piling up at the kisses and she can't take it anymore - or she is really trying to tell us something...

Q: What's the real story with you and Hans Von Holzhausen?
A: sounds like a german-austrian movie star
Q: What are you thinking right now?
A: i can't believe i am missing boy meets world for this!
Q: Do you have any secret admiriers?
A: shhh don't tell anyone....LOOSE LIPS SINK SHIPS....
Q: Is there anyone you are secretly admiring?
A: i get asked this all the time and although am as faithful as faithful gets; i do secretly admire from a distance
Q: With all the baby weight - are you going to be in the gym?
A: ROFL I LIFT WEIGHT BUT I DON'T SWEAT I GO 4 A SWIM BUT I DON'T GET WET
Q: What sign are you?
A: AQUEMINI - here we go aquarius, pisces, feel the flow of the fluid as i swim through it...
Q: Do you still talk to Jimmy Kiss?
A: always and forever - never kiss your dreams goodbye!
Q: How do you feel about Holzy?
A: MAGNET + STEEL; MAPOLEON AND MARIA COUNTESS WALEWSKA
Q: How does Joey feel about Holzy?
A: sees red, goes red; blacks out in a rage; throws things; throws a fit; has a panik
Q: How did Holzy get you hooked?
A: BITCHES LUV SMILEY FACES :) I LUV U HUNNY
Q: Do you take any medications?
A: cacidex pills twice a day and lupron shots
Q: Why go on a skate date with Holzy, when you knew it would get on Joey's nerves?
A: joey gets on my nerves - besides, holzy is cute and joey acts like his brother sometimes
Q: Why don't you have any friends that are women?
A: ladies is trouble - argosy is my type of woman, crazy/beautiful
Q: What names are you considering for the baby?
A: lux zarathustra.....or john joseph james kiss
Q: Is it hard to go out in public, what with all the weirdos that try to meet you, take pictures with you, etc.?
A:i am the realest fake person that there ever was - i'll sign anything, take pictures no makeup
Q: Where is your favorite place to get away?
A: grimaldi - b/c i can be a completely different person with a completely different name
Q: What are you doing right now?
A: sitting on my sofacouch, across from joey - who is passed out, dead, ZZZZz asleep - with the TV blaring. shuggie is the only person awake (it's 2:02 AM) and is in the kitchen. smells like......coffee. coffee and blueberry muffins? on the floor, wrapped in a nest of blankets and plush pillows, is sodapop. twilight zone is playing on the TV; rod sterling is in frame, smoking a cigarette. i need to take my fake eyelashes off. i am drinking a smoothie i just made of blueberries, strawberries and papaya nectar and i want a slice of angel food cake.
Q: Have you given up on finishing ❤?
A: NEVER THAT NEVER THAT - we're having the wrap party for ❤ soon, check your mail for invites.....JK!
Q: Do you miss having your nightly champagne cocktails now that you're pregnant?
A: who said i can't have a champagne cocktail? WUT R U - A COP?

wow. sounds like her valentine's day was super bien romantic. it's like i was just shot with cupid's arrow.

life's a beach - kat tells joey to "pound sand"

and also "piss up a rope"


earlier, kathleen and joey get in a knockdown dragout fight reminiscent of their more cokey days and it ended in the two going their separate ways for the night. kathleen was seen being dropped off at nearby hans von holzy's house by headlock via gravedigger and joey hoofed it to the riot house to book a suite. sodapop has the house to himself? party at the doll's! BYOB!
naturally, sodapop was lonely and quick to call all the press in his phonebook to spill every last bean about the row. long story short? he said that their fight may or may not have had something to do with joey wanting to fire hans as director of shady lake because, um, i don't know, the doll has a big boner for him?
and she must have a built-in amplifier, because neighbors claimed they could hear the two fighting from down the block. from the sounds of it, hans is getting a little too close to the beautiful pregnant one and it's causing a rift between the famous couple. and now, with only a couple month to go until baby blastoff, those two are fighting? say it ain't so!
they will always be the world's #1 couple and hans isn't going to change that! do the right thing, doll, and go back to joey and pretend it was all a bad dream! just like beau badman.

these are the days of our doll...

goes on a skate date with holzy

even though the beautiful one is a hella pregnant and it is below zero in arcadia, she skipped on her merry way away from joey today to go skateboarding with holzy in some downtown warehouse that probably looked like a horror movie set and probably also had a rapey vibe.

even though the warehouse is owned by holzy and a group of his lame friends, the two had the place to themselves and skated around for several hours, before returning back to holzyhaus in holzy's luxury automobile.

sodapop and ludo, who joined them at their junior high makeout party, told papers all about it. sodapop said that it was awkward to be there and he felt like they were moments away from kissing the whole time. he also added that the two were listening to R&B music and flirting nonstop with each other. barf. get a hotel room.

ludo didn't have much to comment, just that he pulled hans on the side and warned him about how many guns joey owns. word to the wise.

but still - do you, doll! if your pregnancy hormones are raging and holzy doesn't mind that you have a fiancé, by all means! but, just in case he has any sense of decency, i would get your locks changed now, doll, before joey goes stage 5 OJ psycho on you.

shocker! beautiful one smokes bday clove while pregnant

better than a bday blunt, but still.....

scandalous pictures surfaced from kathleen's birthday party last night, which continued into the wee hours of this morning, of her smoking a clove and she is under all sorts of fire for it! when kathleen woke up this morning, put on her fake eyelashes and strolled into the XERB TV station to make a special appearance on the 10 AM news, i doubt she expected to be face to face with pictures of herself smoking.....only that's exactly how it went down.

she must have been feeling nice, because she began to take questions from the audience about her pregnancy, when one of the anchors asked her about the photo of her puff puff puffing away. you could practically see the train engine steam coming from the doll's ears. she calmly took a breath and told the anchor, "you had better take that photo off of the screen. now."

gulp. she means business. seconds later, the interview was over and the doll stomped off of the stage.

once outside the studio, kathleen told press agents to toilet-papers the anchor's house and then proceeded to give the woman's address. LOL, go doll! revenge is a dish best served piping hot.

are the kisses growing apart?

pregnant kathleen goes to ultrasound appointment; doesn't invite joey


or is it just mercury retrograde to blame?
if you asked kathleen, she would adamantly deny that the famous couple are having issues - but just ask soda! he'll tell you that the two sleep in separate bedrooms at night. soda will also tell you that joey has gone back to heroin and booze to cope; and that the doll has sleepovers with holzy all the time.
obviously this is from sodapop's mouth to your ears, so take the words with a gram of penicillin, because he hasn't been known to always tell the most truthful tales.
so today, when kathleen chose van holzy to accompany her to her usual doctor's appointment, it came as quite the surprise. and as if there wasn't enough drama with holzy, jimmy got on his soapbox to deliver a bunch of press-worthy anecdotes, including how the stage 6 doll "situation" with holzy is just like the time she cheated on him with beau badman!
wet mop jimmy kiss said that the doll texts him all the time - first lie, kiss, we all know she only has a 1998-edition purple pager - and mentions making plans when joey isn't around. um, gulp. i feel sick. why do they have to be brothers? johnny isn't safe. he needs to change his identity and move out of the country.

happy new year!

time to toast! grab your champagne glass! 

may it be a year full of happiness, babies and weddings. hopefully all of the cocaine, heroin, booze, needles, devil worshiping, exhaustion, ciggies, pills, drunk driving, suicide attempts, etc, etc. will be left in the past! 2014 doesn't need the drama.

also, could we leave jimmy in the past too? just him being alive and breathing spins rumors that he and the doll are still together! and we already have enough trouble with sexy von holzy!

in other doll news, photographers were quick to snap photos of kathleen drinking what appeared to be champagne, even though she promised, crossed her heart and hoped to die that there was only apple juice in her flute. and you know what? i believe her!