doll gives joey a christmas prezzy he'll never forget

future mrs. kiss ends christmas by throwing tree at baby daddy joey

i truly wish this story was a joke and out of some tabloid writer's pile of rejected work, but...sadly...it's not.

today, the owner of the super fancy and VIP only tropigala lounge in grimaldi phoned into the local newspaper's office and told them about christmas with the doll and how he even had the film to back up his wild tale.....

the owner said that right around three in the morning (with the bar closing at five), a very, very angry doll had headlock throw and hold the door open, so that she could drag in a disshelved christmas tree - most likely from the brisk walk there - and proceeded to throw it in joey's direction. most likely it was more kathleen dragging the tree sassily and plopping it somewhere near joey. come on guys, that must be a major exaggeration. she can barely lift her flip-phone (which she got from a 2003 time vault along with her signed album from coal chamber), let alone lift and throw a tree all by her lonesome. 

the owner commented that after our queen left in a huff - no mention of what choice words she had for joey - he picked up the tree, propped it up in a champagne bucket and plugged it in! he says he plans to keep it lit until may, because it's technically priceless now that the doll has her fingerprints on it. wow. 

otherwise, that's the christmas the doll had! sitting at home with the baby, looking out the window while joey got slammed at a nearby pub, until she strolled in and slammed the family christmas tree down right next to him and his tumbler of whiskey. classic.

doll goes on town meeting television programme

to defend the prom queens' single "let's go git raped"
 

last night, at 7 PM sharp, in the high school gymnasium of arcadia, a PTA meeting took place to brainstorm ideas how to get the doll's new song, "let's go git raped" yanked from radios before it's even recorded. the meeting was half townies and half kids that attended the high school; and at 7:21 PM sharp, kathleen and joey kiss came in and took seats next to the host of the meeting. and at 7:22 sharp, right on schedule, the press arrived to air the whole thing live.

kathleen appeared against a mother, whose agenda was to get the album pulled from local record stores - to which our girl had no opposition to a woman fighting for a cause. she also faced a teenager from the high school, who had created an anti-doll group and called her a "shameless slut," "talentless, bleached-blonde piece of trash," and my favorite, "an ugly lesbian." he truly saved the best for last. i wonder if he knows she's engaged to a man....OH AND THAT SHE'S MOST DEFINITELY 100% FOR SURE NOT UGLY. she's an angel descended from heaven and we are lucky to have her gracing the headlines on the daily. 

because the panel went for over three hours, and we don't have time for that, here's the TL; DR version of the doll vs. everyone else :

Q: Why such a scandalous title?
A: Why not? Who's going to stop me? Because if someone was to try, it'd definitely have to be someone with more balls than you, that's for damn sure. Q: Who is the song aimed towards? And in the same token, who is it sung for?
A: It is aimed against the straight, macho, Baywatch-watching mentality that we sadly have overpopulating the streets today. It is sung for myself, my daughter and the women who can't sing for themselves.Q: Let's say, for example, that the song is banned. What would you do in reaction, if anything?
A: No one can censor me. Period. End up. If, and only if my magical spells on the mass public falter, I will fight it until "Let's Go Git Raped" becomes our national fucking anthem.Q: "Let's Go Git Raped" is truly your darkest material as of yet. Any particular reason for the change in a more grungy sound?
A: i wanted to branch out the metal crowd so that they could become studious, alternative people and stop being long haired, satan-worshipping boys who needed to work less on changing their carburetors and more on fighting for their rights. And not to party. The Prom Queens aren't just for the women and drag queens, people.Q: Any plans to go on tour?
A: Um...yeah...that's kind of how it works. I almost am being bound and shackled like Cassiopeia in her chair to do so. That's kind of how it goes in the music industry - get signed, cut an album, watch it go from Platinum to Diamond-certified, go on tour, play shows, get adored, go backstage, do witchy shit...you get the drill. Q: As it has been discussed on the news; if your song was to be banned, do you think your writing--:"
A: (cuts interviewer off) I'm going to stop you there. No one is banning anything. So these hypothetical questions from magical fantasy unicorn land that you're concocting are really not valid. I really hate to be a bitch here, but I feel like more people are going to buy my single than boycott it, thanks mostly to your stupidity as an interviewer. Q: Some mothers have been quoted as saying you're a 'bad mother' for creating such a piece of music; and that you'd be harming your daughter by letting her listen to it in the future. What are your comments for them?
A: (laughs) Well, luckily for those clucking hens, I am Quetzalith's mother and I can teach her whatever I want. I can teach her to love her body and respect it and maintain that even if she wanted to pose topless for Playboy magazine, I would love her no less. Even though I think pornography is awful garbage and should be collected in total for a massive bonfire - I'd love more than to see it go, but I place my ideals of freedom higher than my person opinion. And I have some pretty far-reaching ideals on freedom. Just remember - we're all on this big, floating sphere together, brother. Kumbaya, peace and love, Namu Myōhō Renge Kyō......
Now, I'm sure most of you expected me to say, "Next question," or, "fuck off," but I am more than prepared to discuss my art whenever someone - fan or foe - wants to know. You can send your fanmail to P.O. Box 666, 24680 Front Street, Arcadia by way of the Doll.Q: Our last question tonight comes to your from a little girl, in the 3rd grade, who saw your picture in a magazine recently. She wanted to say : "You look like a real princess. When I grow up, I want to be just like you. What is your job? And what's your favorite flavor of ice cream?
Yours truly,
Gretchen Jaborra
A: My job is to inspire you, my new friend; and teach you, through my art, how to make your dreams come true. And my favorite ice cream flavor is none because I detest almost every type of food on this planet. I mostly survive on Buddhist chants, tarot card readings, smoothies, sunshine, Joey and my guitar. But please, baby girl, take my advice and eat your fruits and veggies so you can be big and strong someday.

i think my favorite part was when she said, "I really hate to be a bitch here, but...." um, no she didn't!!! there is 0% of her that cares about being a bitch. especially at that point. who in the hell came up with the idea that her single - which has yet to be released - will be banned?! that isn't even a thing anymore! besides, it's been marketed as an anti-rape song and the prom queens' album, GRRRL, plan to donate the proceeds to several women's charities. the latter was kept secret until their official contract with the record company was signed and as soon as kathleen could get to a reporter, she let the world know that she is here for women's (and drag queen's) rights and she's not going to be quiet. ever. 

i'd recommend either buying earplugs or buying a ticket for the front row of the latest installment of drama in the doll's life.

lumberjack kiss and his future bride celebrate thanksgiving

at the arcadian riot house

kathleen and joey are busy planning their wedding, but never too busy for a party! instead of having a getty with their families or hosting a big dinner for friends, they opted to have a dinner for both at the riot house in arcadia.

the kisses have been holed up in monticello, putting the finishing touches on their latest real estate purchase : the cabin joey built for kathleen as an engagement gift. or engagement bribe, depending on which school of thought you subscribe to. 

"the log house", as it's been called by the locals for years, isn't really a cabin...it's more of a love project in the middle of nowhere, on a lake, located in a county where it's legal to shoot anybody on your front lawn, be it gas, liquid or solid. so, it's basically the end-all of doll homes and could possibly double as an off-the-grid hideout in case kathleen decides to go unibomber on everyone. it's totes probably, now that she's getting old and bitter. aka nearing 30.

a lot of word is going around, mostly saying the engagement and/or marriage will never work, considering joey and kathleen have been on and off since they got together! so, it makes sense that the shack's paint is just now drying. bless him, though. joey made her an IOU and actually followed through.

it's come out that he oversaw the construction of the cabin and even spent three months in monticello aiding the construction. again, with paparazzi posted up outside of his home, i really don't see how he vanished into thin air. and, don't assume he wasn't sitting by the campfire, shooting up and yelling at workers that they missed a spot. oh no - he was there, in the trenches, putting up sheetrock and wearing a hardhat. or what have you. 

but decorating a new cabin and building fires in the stove can wait, because it's thanksgiving! kathleen and joey ditched monticello and hauled their cookies to arcadia for the night to spend it with about 300 of their closest mates. the riot house served up dinner - they even broke out the fancy shit - and then afterward kathleen played an acoustic set with joey. quetzy ran around the stage being cute. all in all, it was good times. kathleen also bore no signs of a baby bump, but was not seen drinking. knowing how much she loves to mess with the press, it wouldn't surprise me if she was sneaking hits of whiskey off her flask in the bathroom or something. 

doll may have a case of the babies

again............

i am very much wanting to drain the last dollars of my bank account to send kathleen a pregnancy test, because rumor has it she is pregnant again! ugh, this is so 2009 or whatever. of course, as the gods would have it, she's never going to have a white wedding, only instead a shotgun bride. LOL. 
kathleen and joey have been back together for five seconds and although i can swallow them resuming their engagement, i don't know if i can handle this news! the latest headlines in grimaldi are : KATHLEEN RETURNS FROM MONTICELLO WITH BABY BUMP - DOLL'S CAMP NO COMMENT ON BABY #2.
do my eyes decieve me?! baby #2?????????? 
i think this might be a ploy to get attention, but i don't see kathleen's #1 press agent sodapop anywhere in the article, so i can't really tell you if it's true or not. maybe reporters confused him with tricky questioning again. all i know is, baby #1 isn't even done feeding off of the doll's breasts, so how is our girl supposed to make room for baby #2??? i am just confused, intrigued and literally on the edge of my seat for more. 
in a way, i do hope she has a case of the babies and keeps coming down with it. she can then turn the coco cave into the coco family compound and literally become a live-in riot grrrl housewife hybrid. the doll can spend more time planning her revolution from the inside-out, where her children grow up within the highest ranks of society and bring it down  à la fight club. 
the only thing i can say is, in the most recent feature interview in the pretty people club, kathleen was quoted as saying :

"you've got the first scoop," she says, eyeballing ME, "i quit. i'm moving to a cabin in monticello with my babies and there i will be a bride." 

gulp. maybe she'll have a boy who will grow up super gay and she can put him in drag by his fifth birthday. #goals 

happy birthday quetzy lux!

she's only two, but her net worth is more than yours! guaranteed! 

imagine : three years ago, she wasn't even a twinkle in joey's eye. now, she's a snotgobbling reality. and her diaper bag is always a surefire and convenient place to hide heroin dingers. 

okay, enough with the jokes. it really is nice to see mama and papa kiss back together again and celebrating the life of their adorable baby. for reals. just think...not less than 10 years ago, our girl the doll was running around naked, inciting riots and snorting cocaine...now she's all grown up, with a kid and a house with a three-car garage. still running around naked, however. but otherwise living the true american dream.
as for joey...well, i have my fingers crossed for him, but i am not holding my breath anymore! been there, done that, went to rehab. LOL. 

joey trips over doll's eleganza

just tripping in general, really...

baby daddy kiss has always been a lumbering, clumsy clown and the other night, at the cielo-hosted music video awards, was no different.

after the two kisses left the arena, kathleen was still in her poofy real-life barbie gown and as they made their way to the car, joey tripped on her dress and literally landed in a dirty puddle. sopped it right up.

my black heart almost melted then and there after watching the paparazzi coverage, but the doll - ever full of grace - just grabbed his paw and helped his sorry ass in the gravedigger. ugh gross. she probably got some joey on her and will now have to burn that amazingly glam outfit.

later in the night, kathleen and joey sang at the riot house to "wake up or we break up", acoustically and brought the house down. everyone thought joey was going to propose...again...but luckily he kept it in his pants and is saving it most likely for some prime time special in which he gets paid lots of heroin dollars.

okay, i'm done.

needless to say, kathleen "the doll" and joey kiss are back together! hurrah. quetzy lux can now be raised under one roof! as opposed to several crackhouses throughout the tristate area. 

doll attends music awards show in cielo

joey confesses he's always been in love with her during speech

all the beautiful stars gathered tonight in cielo and the doll, naturally, was in attendance. her single "wake up or we break up" was nominated for several awards, including best new single, best music video, best female artist, etc. and of course she took a boatload of awards home! it's our girl, duh! 

but everyone already knew she would sweep the competition, so here's the juicy details on the show : kathleen arrived solo on the red carpet, late, and missed securing her first award; she was also missing from the front row for the first hour. seated in her section was caretaker ludo ludovic, wrangler headlock and an empty seat next to hers. everyone was obvi wondering who she would bring as her +1 and we were all left on the edge for the big reveal.

it came when none other than baby daddy joey kiss took the stage - looking quite dashing in a fitted tux and fresh greased back 'do - to deliver the final award of the night, dedicated to the doll herself, for best new female artist. what she really should have won was the award for best outfit of her entire life because she was giving us ball gown debutante eleganza realness and looked 10/10. she deserved a standing ovation just for her look and i'm dead serious. 

in his speech, joey began by how kathleen started as an artist and how she has remained true to her roots. he said, "she will always be the fanzine riot grrrl..." and went on to say how he constantly confides in her for artistic input on his own work. go figure. 

he wrapped it up by saying he has been "in love" with her since his early 20s, much to no one's surprise. then, as kathleen graced the stage in a frigging 90s-style prom-y ballgown to accept her award, the two embraced for a quick kiss on the lips and then she snatched the mic for her acceptance speech. i'm glad she took the microphone from him, because it truly felt moments away from a proposal. 

the two then sat down together for the rest of the show and acted like a junior high couple in a movie theatre on a saturday night. she wouldn't stop pawing him and he wouldn't stop kissing her neck and giving her hickeys. there should have been a camera just dedicated to their reindeer games. joey later changed from a tux into his typical uniform of skinny black jeans, leather jacket and a white tee for the after-party and the doll kept her gigantic prom dress on. the two literally looked straight out of an off, off, off broadway performance of grease and it was what i live for. they made an appearance at the riot house for a round of drinks and stayed long enough for kathleen to not only decorate the top shelf of the bar with one of her awards, but for her to give another speech as well. it was short and sweet and she said that she and joey had to depart to go check on quetzy, as uncle sodapop was the babysitter for the night, and we all know how that goes. 

all i can say is - fans and press alike are both remarking on how they've never seen our girl happier. go, girl - seek happy days through happy nights. or something like that. cue mic drop.

dear doll.....

come now, gather 'round, it's time yet again to read the doll's latest answers to the questions she constantly receives from fans...
one of my alltime favorite pieces of fanmail asked the doll : "are you just another average cielo airhead?" to which kathleen responded : "ABOVE AVERAGE." i'm dead. #coffin

Q: If you could appear on any popular television show, what would it be? A comedy? A drama? A reality series?
A: FORENSIC FILES or THE FIRST 48 or SNAPPED

Q: Why do people give a shit about you? You're some crazy, depressed, bleached-blonde piece of trash who constantly preaches about burning your bra and strapping on combat boots - what gives?
A: GRRRLS 2 THE FRONT
ALL BOYS BE COOL 4 ONCE IN UR LIVES

Q: This being an election year, who are you voting for?
A: do you know that more people do dope in this country than voted last time for president? THINK ABOUT IT.

Q: So...you're voting for dope?
A: THERE'S HOPE IN DOPE

Q: You've spoken about spearheading a "revolution" lately - can you give us any insight?
A: THE REVOLUTION MANIFEST : all women are invited - be it by birth, surgery or mentality - gays, transgenders, allies, etc. to join forces all over the world. firstly we will take over the media machine and slowly manipulate the straight masses via television, film, music, radio, publications, etc. so that when the time comes to ask those willing to step forward, there will be less of a struggle. our goal is to bring justice to all those who feel wronged, to liberate the opressed and to love the unloved. we will bring all of the fuckers, rapists, molestors and pigs of the world to their knees with our power and move forward to take over other solar systems.

Q: Is Joey going to be involved in this Revolution?
A: yes because someone has to babysit quetzy.
i mean joey jr.

Q: What do you love most about Joey Kiss?
A: i love his greasy hair, i love his leather jacket collection, i love his black skinny jeans and his leather boots; i love his sneer; i love his tattoos; i love the way he talks and laughs at my dumb jokes; i love the kid we made together; i love that he's like a studious, but alternative, tuff punk rock, rough and tumble type of guy. he's just my type of guy.

Q: How do you enjoy success as a multimillionaire writer, film producer and now singer?
A: I DON;T LMAO
I RLLY WISH I DIDN;T WAKE UP SOMEDAYS
SOMEDAYS R BETTER THAN OTHERS
BUT IT;S NICE
BETTER THAN UR LIFE
PRBLY
KILL ME

Q: What is your favorite book of all time?
A: please kill me.
also just 4 title.

Q: You are so fierce - a strong, single, independent woman and mother for many to look up to. How do you do it?
A: R U 4 REAL? i have a nanny, a driver, a caretaker, a security guard, a publicist for a brother and the father of my child is alive and well. a village is raising quetzy and you know it.

Q: Out of all the men you've been with - who was your favorite?
A: TOP 5 : jim beam
jack daniels
johnny red
johnny black
and jose cuervo
aka all my favorite men

Q: There's a longrunning rumour that you don't eat - what's your favorite food?
A: apples - because you can smoke weed out of them instead of eating them
putting the fun in functional since johnny appleseed

Q: But you do eat...right?
A: YEAH LOTS OF SHIT
AS A CELEBRITY LOL

Q: As a celebrity, what platform are you trying to represent to use your voice for change?
A: WHO SAID I HAVE 2 DO THAT
OR WANT TO
OR WILL

Q: Surely you know what you represent to the people - how do you plan to influence those who look up to you?
A: i would tell the youth of today : slack off. call in sick to work. smoke pot. drink booze. stop driving your car and get a skateboard. try peyote. you're going to die when you're like 70, so get it while you're young. smoke 'em while you got 'em. just don't be a fucker; be nice to those who deserve it and let the assholes of the world reap their sewn negativity. be cool.

Q: Has success changed you in any way?
A: absolutely not, i was born for this life

Q: You've been nominated for a music award in Cielo - are you surprised?
A: NO!!!!1! not even one iota!

Q: Who will be your +1?
A: UR MOM!

Q: How would you describe yourself?
A: blonde, writer, mother, avant garde artist...heartbreaker, blue-eyed, sometimes musician, arcadia high school's head cheerleader and homecoming queen

Q: As a writer, you surely have read plenty of books - which character from fiction do you identify most with?
A: HESTER PRYNNE

Q: I heard you only have two cameos in Shady Lake. Why?! We need more Doll!
A: I KNO UR TELLING ME BUT IF I;M ON SCREEN 2 LONG, I'LL BURN THRU AND COME GIT U

Q: You've been in the studio recently - what do you do to get in the zone?
A: i go in, drop a hit of acid, gargle some gin and tell everyone QUIET! THE ARTIST NEEDS QUIET
YOUR ARTIST IS ABOUT TO BLOW YOUR MIND
WITH HER GROWL DEEP DOWN

Q: I heard that you performed at the Riot House this summer, threw your guitar in the air - meaning to catch it - and it hit you in the face. Is that true?
A: heyyyy ohhhh heyyyy ohhhh now i'm still alive
KAT 1 / GUITAR 0

Q: Do you think you've lost your edge and that's why you're rumored to be branching to music?
A: ??????????? I AM OVER THE EDGE!!!!!!!!!
I AM THE EDGE...the edge of a few pills away from ending it all LMAO

Q: Was "I Want a Riot Grrrl, Not a Housewife" ever recorded?
A: no so here's part 1 of the remix : I;M HERE DOING DISHES
JUST RAN OUT OF SOAP
FUCK BEING A HOUSEWIFE
I'D RATHER GO DO DOPE

Q: Speaking of dope, did you really find needles in the diaper bag?
A: OH MY WORD HERE WE FUCKING GO AGAIN WITH THIS BULLSHIT

Q: Lots of fans say they witnessed Joey and the Lost Boys seemingly under the influence of heroin when they were on the road last...how do you feel about that?
A: WHO CARES
how do you feel about that?
did it bother you? huh? did it? did it bother you to hear your longtime friend, pal, buddy and boyfriend and father of your child was out on the road - vulnerable - with a pack of fucking junkies and the word around the campfire was that he was back on dope? how would you feel?
I;D FEEL PRETTY ROTTEN IF I WERE U
ASK ME HOW I KNO

Q: You should record with Joey! That way you can keep a better eye on him and make sure he doesn't get back into heroin. What do you think?
A: I THINK NO
my next move is to do a full-concept piece about the romance between adolf hitler and the polish marie walepska. joey's gonna play hitler and we're going dye his mustache with mascara. i'm going to play marie walepska. sodapop is going to be goebbles.

basically all i heard was : heroin, heroin, heroin, joey and more heroin. gulp.

joey kiss goes to big boy rehab

this would mark stint #13 in rehab for joey kiss. and yes, you read that correctly - 13. 

somehow joey dodged a bullet and was not - i repeat was not - given an intervention after he overdosed on heroin...again...the other day. but today he's not dodging shit and his scrawny ass is firmly in the backseat of headlock's car and on the way to a rehab facility. sodapop later told reporters that kathleen refused to be apart of the sit down and was basically the linchpin in the whole ordeal. 

this is all in the wake of joey being discovered earlier this month by baby mama kathleen in his own apartment, having overdosed and found with a needle in his arm. yikes. the doll sprang into action and hauled him into the nearest hospital after he came to and made professionals deal with him. 

and, not less than a month ago, needles were found in quetzy's diaper bag upon joey returning his daughter to kathleen. this sparked worries that he was back on the bad stuff and the doll, being smarter than your average bear, asked him to take a drug test on the spot. somehow he only failed for marijuana and was thus deemed fit to meander the streets again by our girl. until now.

no word on how long he'll be in rehab, but hopefully he just gets better and gives us less kurt cobain and more krist novoselic. 

in other doll news, she did make a public statement outside of her pretty people club office in grimaldi today. she mentioned joey and his intervention and how she didn't participate. it was a lot of blah blah blah, but she basically said that she had sat in on a joey kiss intervention before and it was not a memory she'd like to relive. she wrapped up her tangent by saying, "i really should have known better. fool me once...shame on..." and then there was a long, confusing pause..."shame on, me? whatever - if fool me once, you can't get fooled again."

um, doll, put down the pipe. i believe what you mean is : fool me once, shame on me; fool me twice, shame on you and fool me three times, fuck you!!!!

kathleen petitions for rehab

after baby daddy joey overdoses

this is some sad news i wish i could say we all didn't see coming, but...today when kathleen went to drop off daughter quetzalith, she found joey kiss unconscious of a heroin overdose in his apartment. 

in the last few months, joey's involvement in the press has been mostly concerning him using heroin again; and although things have been rocky between him and kathleen, she hasn't once refused him visitation of his young daughter. 

he was rushed to a nearby hospital and has been in recovery since, with friends and family nearby. rumor has it that the doll's camp is planning an intervention while he's still under watch and care, most likely in hopes to transfer him to a rehab facility. not only will this be another attempt to clean him of heroin, but also to keep him from doing another tour of the county jail. 

☹ get better, kiss! say it with me : there's no hope in dope! 

doll drafts first 'shitlist'

and baby daddy joey is surprisingly not on it!!!!!!!!

kathleen has always done her best to be a private grrrl, but most of the time, ends up coming off as an opinionated, loudmouthed, emotionally slutty basket case archetype - and that's okay! i love her no matter how schizo she is. but the same might not be said for the men in her life....
our doll is definitely no stranger to heartbreak and has been definitely dealt a shitty hand when it comes to relationships as of late. ever since she dumped that no-good baby daddy joey kiss, it's like a curse was put over her head and she has been sent toad after toad! so, it's no surprise that she's taken to her soapbox to proclaim who's a big dick and who's a bigger dick in her love life.

in this month's pretty people club magazine, you can find kathleen's 'shitlist' in it's entirety - complete with photos - but here's the hightlights : 

gio giotto - this septum-wearing slimy snail will tell you he loves you in one breath and then tell you he needs to be single in another. YAWN! been there, done that and burned my bra.

bae baebel - honorable mention. waste of space. waste of time. just a waste.

sodapop cola - i don't know how i'm related to you sometimes. i would gladly pay for a vocal chord removal though!

jimmy kiss - you're the worst of the worst! should be #1 but you will never be #1 in my heart LMAO! you were the first and this is the last time i'll mention it.

what the hell? where is miss congeniality - joey kiss? is he headlining the list or something? he should be on it just for giving his baby mama so much grief and basically being the sole reason she is prescribed xanax. 

kathleen finds joey's needles in their child's diaper bag

...and the doll catches him with needles and he's not doing dope? we're talking about joey "i've got a problem with dope" kiss!

joey kiss immediately left to get an at-home drug test to prove to kathleen that all was well. he only failed for marijuana. boring! i would have thought, at the least, he'd have some animal tranquilizers on board...

yeesh. must be tough for our girl. the couple has always been up and down, in and out of rehab and on and off drugs together. even though times have recently been shaky for party doll kathleen, she doesn't seem up to her old tricks of heroin and cocaine cocktails and an affinity for all things chaotic. 

however, baby daddy joey has had a deeper past with drugs, including an overdose, suicide attempt and several run-ins with the law. he recently got off court-mandated probation for a cocaine charge he received years ago. i don't know how he got off early, but i have a feeling it has something to do with someone whose name rhymes with schmathleen. 

also, how it got out to the press, we'll never know...
just kidding! sodapop was throwing out the at-home drug test this morning and totally shoved joey in front of the proverbial bus by turning what sounds like a private family issue into a dramatic production (complete with : four-part harmonies, wind instruments in the wings, a violin solo, etc.) 

doll debuts first single : "wake up or we break up"

our girl is top of the pops!

kathleen is a triple threat - she does cocaine, heroin and apparently sings now too! she released her first - and probably only - song today via arcadia's #1 hits programme and phoned in to explain the meaning behind the lyrics.
the song is entitled "wake up or we break up" and, yes, our girl is doing lead vocals with 3/4 of the lost boys backing her, angel astazia on backup vocals and the one and only jimmy kiss producing. yes, you weren't hallucinating, ex-boyfriend and uncle to her daughter, jimmy kiss mixed the track. 
kathleen said that she wrote the song one night after several futile endeavors at rousting hottie gio giotto from a deep slumber. current main squeeze and now the isle of grimaldi's top playboy, gio is the inspiration for a lot of wet dreams, but who would have thought he was the muse for a piece of music? not me!
the moral of the story is the song obvi is #1 in the charts and our hearts already and at the top of everyone's playlists. who knows if the doll will record again and who cares? "wake up or we break up" is a true riot grrrl punk rock funky disco rock 'n' roll jam if i've ever heard one. i hope she wins a grammy for this. 

joey wants to put his dusty ass paws on giotto

joey wants to "check him" and "make him answer"

oh boy...
after the sensational article "spin or spun" came out in hep parade last week, some are fearing that there might more to the rumors that the doll is back on the wagon again. or back in the saddle. whatever, point is the article made it seem like as soon as baby q is out of sight, she's railing lines and shooting up and doing shots and smoking doobies until she's falling asleep in the middle of an interview!
so what? as long as quetzy doesn't see, quetzy doesn't know. besides, she's still a baby! she's not going to remember all the times her mama was a hella wasted.
reporters have video of joey stating that he wants to "check" gio the next time that he sees him. joey said that gio is a "crab," ie : walks sideways, talks sideways, acts sideways; and that he's going to "make him answer" for some of the things written in the article. um, make him answer for what? the doll and cocaine go back deep - we all know triple g - gianni giovanini giotto - did not make the introductions, let's be totally real. 
joey told sodapop, and obviously sodapop then told the media, that he thinks pantydropper gianni is making the good shit readily available to kathleen in grimaldi - as he's living in her "coco cave" - and considering she is weak and addiction-prone, it is thus creating a sketchy environment for baby q, who is 86.76% of the time with her mama! gulp. i smell a custody battle of the century...that joey will lose, LOL! and didn't he just get popped for heroin? he needs to sit down. 
in other doll news : because of "spin or spun", sodapop told reporters that kathleen will not be doing interviews never, ever, ever, ever again, not even on a bet, not even if it would save her life, so don't even fucking ask! he said she felt taken advantage of by the media machine and it's not cool.
um? taken advantage of? she was the one slapping herself awake and acting like a coked-out mess at dinner! she took advantage of her own damn self by continuing the interview, when she should have just went home to her big ass mansion to do drugs en privé. also, doesn't she pay headlock to watch over so that she can specifically avoid events like this? i just can't...

g. giotto is about to be 6 feet under

and the doll is going to be on the first 48

and that is straight from our girl's mouth! 

today kathleen appeared on a very popular and a very televised arts programme to discuss, promote and plug shady lake; but of course spent about 30 seconds discussing shady lake, and the rest of the time talking about her personal life. LOL.

apparently, last night kathleen and triple g - g. gio giotto - were out in grimaldi, at fancy schmancy tropigala lounge and grille having dinner, when baby daddy joey's name became the topic of conversation - according to patrons - and gio popped off. guests at the restuarant said that the two did not give even 1/2 a fuck that they were in public and began having a very intense row in front of everyone.

the best part came - one customer said - when a waiter came over and tried to tell the doll to hush, to which she whipped her head around and screeched, "i don't give a fuck!" in his face and then went right back to yelling at gio. the waiter should have taken the cue to respond, "well, you should give a fuck!" but feared his impending doom and skipped away from kathleen.

the argument ended with the doll throwing her drink in his face and turned heel to walk out of the restaurant. from there, the manager commented that giotto went to the bathroom, punched a mirror and left without paying the bill. classy.

after that, bystanders commented that he hopped from bar to bar, annoying locals and causing more of a raucous. one person said they saw him peeing off of the roof of a bar; another said they saw him and a group of pals punch walls and kick mirrors off of parked cars.

um.......am i wrong or is gio a grown ass man? why in the hell is he running around like he just had his first cocktail, punching glass and acting like a fool? he is really showing his ass right now and i wouldn't be surprised if baby babble changes the locks on his ass and keeps it moving.

anyways, this morning, reporters caught up with the doll outside of her huge bougie mansion - nicknamed the "coco cave" - and all she had to comment was : "you know, gio is so lucky; he was about to be 6 feet under and i was going to be on the first 48." LOL. 

doll starts off new year drunk and high

am i dreaming or is it 2007 all over again?

kathleen and joey seem like they are broken up, with joey in jail for heroin possession; jimmy kiss has been spending the night with her in cielo and helping her look after baby quetzy lux; she is also rumored to be sleeping with "cielan royalty" gianni giotto and, according to published reports, the doll is back on the wagon! also on the wagon with her are her 2 favorites : heroin and cocaine! party!

now, let's give her the benefit of the doubt - maybe she's just having a bender to end all benders before she turns...a year older?

joey kiss was in grimaldi for the past few weeks - he claims to be recording with the lost boys, but little to no activity was reported at the studio. so who knows? and who cares? last week he was arrested in cielo and has been behind bars since. 

i only care about the doll and she is a mess as of late. hep parade sent a writer round to her 10050 love shack in cielo, as she's been there since mid-december. word has it that the article is yet to be released as it would give even the bitchiest of bitches a case of the #sads. the reporter noted seeing needles strewn about the house - and yes, quetzy was in the building - and the doll was fuuuuuuuuucked up on something. and no, she wasn't sharing. and yes, i'm well worried. 

oh, and let us not forget that baby daddy joey was totally arrested the other day for heroin possession. so neither of them are doing too hot right now and the parents of the year award is totally going to another couple! especially since the doll is said to be knocking boots with slap-happy gianni giotto.