doll gives joey a christmas prezzy he'll never forget

future mrs. kiss ends christmas by throwing tree at baby daddy joey

i truly wish this story was a joke and out of some tabloid writer's pile of rejected work, but...sadly...it's not.

today, the owner of the super fancy and VIP only tropigala lounge in grimaldi phoned into the local newspaper's office and told them about christmas with the doll and how he even had the film to back up his wild tale.....

the owner said that right around three in the morning (with the bar closing at five), a very, very angry doll had headlock throw and hold the door open, so that she could drag in a disshelved christmas tree - most likely from the brisk walk there - and proceeded to throw it in joey's direction. most likely it was more kathleen dragging the tree sassily and plopping it somewhere near joey. come on guys, that must be a major exaggeration. she can barely lift her flip-phone (which she got from a 2003 time vault along with her signed album from coal chamber), let alone lift and throw a tree all by her lonesome. 

the owner commented that after our queen left in a huff - no mention of what choice words she had for joey - he picked up the tree, propped it up in a champagne bucket and plugged it in! he says he plans to keep it lit until may, because it's technically priceless now that the doll has her fingerprints on it. wow. 

otherwise, that's the christmas the doll had! sitting at home with the baby, looking out the window while joey got slammed at a nearby pub, until she strolled in and slammed the family christmas tree down right next to him and his tumbler of whiskey. classic.

doll does her witchy duty

warns isle of grimaldi locals about mercury retrograde

gotta love our girl! if it wasn't for her, half of the isle wouldn't know about the important astrological phenomenon that is mercury retrograde!

in fact, she took to the public radio this morning for a whole six hours to go on and on about this topic. it was on the level - it sounded like it was pulled from 1994, or the doll was high or both. she mentioned people watching shady lake on their VCRs, which i don't believe even exist anymore; and that she can't wait to do MTV's music video countdown show, TRL, which again, I don't believe exists anymore. everyone listening probably felt like they were also about to possibly win tickets to the blink 182 concert if they were caller #69. LOL. she was really giving us some good material. 

basically, it goes without saying that the doll is a little crazytown sometimes and she really doesn't care who knows. all she cares about is that people have their correct crystals and mojo rocks or whatever and their altars set up facing the northern moon of jupiter. also, don't forget to meet with your coven for a chant before the full moon so they can be extra powerful warlocks. and don't forget to do a line for every ring that the planet saturn has. which is how many lines the doll was on this morning. 

love her. she is so going to be in the next new sitcom reboot called : i dream of doll and it's going to be based off of her real life as a witch instead of a genie in a bottle. 

doll may have a case of the babies

again............

i am very much wanting to drain the last dollars of my bank account to send kathleen a pregnancy test, because rumor has it she is pregnant again! ugh, this is so 2009 or whatever. of course, as the gods would have it, she's never going to have a white wedding, only instead a shotgun bride. LOL. 
kathleen and joey have been back together for five seconds and although i can swallow them resuming their engagement, i don't know if i can handle this news! the latest headlines in grimaldi are : KATHLEEN RETURNS FROM MONTICELLO WITH BABY BUMP - DOLL'S CAMP NO COMMENT ON BABY #2.
do my eyes decieve me?! baby #2?????????? 
i think this might be a ploy to get attention, but i don't see kathleen's #1 press agent sodapop anywhere in the article, so i can't really tell you if it's true or not. maybe reporters confused him with tricky questioning again. all i know is, baby #1 isn't even done feeding off of the doll's breasts, so how is our girl supposed to make room for baby #2??? i am just confused, intrigued and literally on the edge of my seat for more. 
in a way, i do hope she has a case of the babies and keeps coming down with it. she can then turn the coco cave into the coco family compound and literally become a live-in riot grrrl housewife hybrid. the doll can spend more time planning her revolution from the inside-out, where her children grow up within the highest ranks of society and bring it down  à la fight club. 
the only thing i can say is, in the most recent feature interview in the pretty people club, kathleen was quoted as saying :

"you've got the first scoop," she says, eyeballing ME, "i quit. i'm moving to a cabin in monticello with my babies and there i will be a bride." 

gulp. maybe she'll have a boy who will grow up super gay and she can put him in drag by his fifth birthday. #goals 

the wedding of the century is about to be on and popping!

joey pops the question...again!

it recently came out in the hep parade true isle of grimaldi story that when joey asked kathleen to marry him the first time, it was not as champagne-popping of a moment, like we all thought. instead, it was more of a little house on the prairie-type deal...

now, since we all know remember what happened like it was yesterday : joey broke her heart and started dating heroin; she ran around, doing her single thing and then they got back together again like nothing happened. we all also know that this cabin in the woods is totes a great idea, but the paparazzi know his every move and let's be real - joey hasn't been photographed building a goddamn thing.

but, somehow her did!

this weekend, joey took kathleen on a surprise motorbike journey to monticello...again...and on the other side of a small lake, was a small cabin, basically screaming marry me kathleen!

joey - right on cue - told her that this was all hers, should she choose to accept joey kiss as her husband forever and ever. to sweeten the deal, there was even a rocking chair in the front and a hound dog for effect, blah blah blah...you know where this is going...
needless to say, our girl said yes, and once again is she engaged to be mrs. kiss. awwww. cue the doves and the harps and cupid fluttering around. how sweet. maybe there is hope for us single losers out there.

the happy couple has obviously been unavailable for comments, concerns or congratulations because they are either too busy doing it or too busy doing it. so don't ask!

doll goes to big gay halloween ball at the riot house

takes joey kiss as her plus one, instead of an eight-ball like she probably wanted

and yes, joey does clean up quite well. i'm slowly working my way back into his corner.

kathleen arrived with a fleet of drag queens, did several interviews on the rainbow carpet about how gays will soon rule the earth and was basically the sparkly fairy of the night. she had several outfit changes, but my favorite look was the number she wore at the after-party. adjusting her halo and like she just stepped off a cloud from heaven, she donned a semi-sun, statue of liberty-esque golden crown. she wore a glittering skintight, flesh-colored dress with a goddess-like, indian-inspired ghoonghat atop her crown, draping down over her shoulders. 

1. kiss yet again looked like he had escaped live from the filming of grease 3 in full costume during the prom scene; but, it was working for him and i applaud his efforts. it is the second time in the history of joey kiss - the first being at the premiere of HEP! - where he looked 75% of decent and i'm very proud. however, i do believe that the reason behind that comes from his raggedy, gutter-inspired rags that he wore at the DIG! premiere and didn't want to be confused for a hobo again.

as for the benefit - it was not just an excuse to put on a costume and do drugs. tickets began at £1,000! there was also a silent auction going on in the beginning of the night, as well as a scholarship giveaway. in all, the event raised £250,000 and the funds will be divided among LGBT centers in arcadia, cielo and the isle of grimaldi.
during her last speech of the night, she thanked the LGBT community (duh) for being a large part of her life - hello! our girl's life is the gays. she has makeup artists, stylists, quetzy's nanny and basically every staff member at the riot house on her team, as well as countless other queens! she also described how she always felt more accepted by the gays than the straighties, which makes complete sense because straight men suck. straight males only utilize 2% of their pea brains. gays, trannies and lesbians are all known to be on the upper echelon of society's VIP list and you don't need to be stephen hawking to figure that one out!

in all, the doll can now fly a rainbow flag - not just her freak flag.

the doll's band to record first album

i know what you're thinking : the doll has a band? and the answer is yes, she does; and don't laugh, because she's probably going to strike punk rock gold.

resurrecting the riot grrrl era that kathleen - and most of her fanbase and target market - grew up in, our doll has recently taken a foray into the music industry; and with a beau like joey kiss, who can blame her? he has seen plenty of success with the indie-turned-label lost boys and those £20 baggies of heroin aren't buying themselves!! JK. 

this has all been industry buzz for months, but became official today when kathleen announced through an article in the pretty people club that she and her newly formed band, the prom queens, will begin recording at the end of the year for their first album. she was very clear that it will be all girls, no boys allowed and no, not even if they know the "secret password." and obviously the secret password is : doll, i'm holding...

she explained that the three other girls joining her will be from arcadia, cielo and grimaldi, respectively. kathleen also mentioned that she will be taking lead guitar and lead vocals (and lead drums, bass, keyboard, tambourine, french horn section...) and lest they have a death wish, shall no one try to upstage her!

all i'm thinking is : when did this bitch start taking guitar lessons? because i saw her at the freak fest and her shit wasn't even plugged in!
it was like the band just wanted her to feel special, so they handed her an acoustic guitar in front of half a million people. LOL. maybe that's all she needed to get the inspiration to record an album. maybe having joey kiss back in her pocket does too. who knows?! it's the doll! i can barely figure out my own thoughts, let alone what's going on in mind! 

candy camp and rainbow coalition soft launch

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during grimaldi's gay pride weekend

kathleen was once asked in an interview that if she could be anyone - alive or dead - who would she choose? she answered, "a drag queen." makes sense. she loves her gays and has most of the top tops, bottoms, trannies, homosexuals and fierce lesbians in her corner or on her payroll. because no one does makeup like a drag queen! so it's only natural her latest endeavor is as gay as the annual fire island halloween barn dance. 

candy camp, the nightclub, opened it's glittery revolving doors on sunday morning for a preview of what will eventually be, as the nightclub is still under construction. only the first floor was open and the event featured a brunch, a drag show and a gay pride parade gaythering and pre-party that kathleen attended in a pair of pasties and a PVC skirt, which if you ask me, was worth the price of the ticket alone. and no, she wasn't grand marshall of the parade or the host of the main stage - she was spreading rainbows in the bungalow and singing sister sledge's "we are family" on kareoke. werk! 

candy camp nightclub will feature seven rooms with different themes - IE: disco, hip hop, rave, cher - framed famous queens on the walls and the uniform for the bartenders is a throwback to the orginial days of the riot house : golden sequined hotpants! all the bartenders are already famous in grimaldi and known as the raimbow coaltion, which is definitely fitting. in additon to the club, there is an outdoor bamboo patio and bungalow hut wit. flying above the establishment? a giant rainblow flag. it's basically as gay as you can get. 

so you'll basically find me, once candy camp officially opens, with the spirit of trotsky and johnny kiss at bar number 3 on any given wednesday night. 

joey kiss goes to big boy rehab

this would mark stint #13 in rehab for joey kiss. and yes, you read that correctly - 13. 

somehow joey dodged a bullet and was not - i repeat was not - given an intervention after he overdosed on heroin...again...the other day. but today he's not dodging shit and his scrawny ass is firmly in the backseat of headlock's car and on the way to a rehab facility. sodapop later told reporters that kathleen refused to be apart of the sit down and was basically the linchpin in the whole ordeal. 

this is all in the wake of joey being discovered earlier this month by baby mama kathleen in his own apartment, having overdosed and found with a needle in his arm. yikes. the doll sprang into action and hauled him into the nearest hospital after he came to and made professionals deal with him. 

and, not less than a month ago, needles were found in quetzy's diaper bag upon joey returning his daughter to kathleen. this sparked worries that he was back on the bad stuff and the doll, being smarter than your average bear, asked him to take a drug test on the spot. somehow he only failed for marijuana and was thus deemed fit to meander the streets again by our girl. until now.

no word on how long he'll be in rehab, but hopefully he just gets better and gives us less kurt cobain and more krist novoselic. 

in other doll news, she did make a public statement outside of her pretty people club office in grimaldi today. she mentioned joey and his intervention and how she didn't participate. it was a lot of blah blah blah, but she basically said that she had sat in on a joey kiss intervention before and it was not a memory she'd like to relive. she wrapped up her tangent by saying, "i really should have known better. fool me once...shame on..." and then there was a long, confusing pause..."shame on, me? whatever - if fool me once, you can't get fooled again."

um, doll, put down the pipe. i believe what you mean is : fool me once, shame on me; fool me twice, shame on you and fool me three times, fuck you!!!!

candy camp to open on the isle of grimaldi

kathleen has had her fingers in a lot of pies over the years and 2k16 is no different for her

she is in talks with her management company, famed hotelier and riot house fam, rudy von rubideaux, to open a new nightclub in the trendy area of downtown grimaldi by 2017, to be named 'candy camp.' apparently, candy camp is another term for jail or rehab among the hep community and now it'll also be known as the #1 place to shoot up, get a refreshing cocktail and possibly catch a glimpse of the one and only doll! 
candy camp is sure to be a hit and not just because the doll waved her wand over it. rumor has it that the club will be built facing the ocean, with wraparound balconies for patrons and an escape tunnel for VIP guests. the best part? kathleen already announced it will be the isle's first official gay bar, will fly a rainbow flag and will host a drag show and champagne brunch every sunday. i love it. she's always been a straight girl at a gay party and now she'll finally be seeing some cashola from it!
this really isn't why i am writing this - word around the campfire is that kathleen has pushed for the opening to be on gay pride weekend in grimaldi...and not only that! those in the know have said that she is asking all of her male cohorts to do drag - and not fuck it up. i am telling you now that if this is true, i will gladly drain the war bonds my great grandmother gifted me for a bullshit coach flight to grimaldi and a ticket to see that show! joey kiss as kathleen's drag daughter is the stuff dreams are made of!

💘 wrap party at the riot house!

doll also used party as excuse to wrap relationship with gio giotto

she showed up to the venue in a shirt that read : so many men, so little time, which was basically a fuck you to gio and an announcement that she was, yet again, single. LOL. 

no one really cares, except her ex-boyfriend joey kiss, so in other doll news, she spent one half of her night hoovering over the bar and the other half hoovering over a dusty mirror, if you know what i mean! just kidding. but she was paying her respects to 2K12 : ballet slippers, ratty blonde hair, black drainpipes, snotty nose, eyes doing back-flips....you know the drill.

she had to be carried out by headlock - okay, ludo helped...he carried her purse - and was subsequently tossed into the backseat of the gravedigger, much to the dismay of the various photographers and journalists that had gathered around. there was also a throng of fans, hoping to get a last-minute autograph of their copies of 💘, assembled and, after seeing the state of inebriation on the doll's part, they all dissipated.

ludo commented to the people, "believe me, you don't want her to sign your book tonight...i don't believe she knows her own name..." ugh been there. she probably would have signed the books "JOEY SUCKSSSS" and her own spit. and you know what? i would probably pay good money for that. 

doll debuts first single : "wake up or we break up"

our girl is top of the pops!

kathleen is a triple threat - she does cocaine, heroin and apparently sings now too! she released her first - and probably only - song today via arcadia's #1 hits programme and phoned in to explain the meaning behind the lyrics.
the song is entitled "wake up or we break up" and, yes, our girl is doing lead vocals with 3/4 of the lost boys backing her, angel astazia on backup vocals and the one and only jimmy kiss producing. yes, you weren't hallucinating, ex-boyfriend and uncle to her daughter, jimmy kiss mixed the track. 
kathleen said that she wrote the song one night after several futile endeavors at rousting hottie gio giotto from a deep slumber. current main squeeze and now the isle of grimaldi's top playboy, gio is the inspiration for a lot of wet dreams, but who would have thought he was the muse for a piece of music? not me!
the moral of the story is the song obvi is #1 in the charts and our hearts already and at the top of everyone's playlists. who knows if the doll will record again and who cares? "wake up or we break up" is a true riot grrrl punk rock funky disco rock 'n' roll jam if i've ever heard one. i hope she wins a grammy for this. 

joey wants to put his dusty ass paws on giotto

joey wants to "check him" and "make him answer"

oh boy...
after the sensational article "spin or spun" came out in hep parade last week, some are fearing that there might more to the rumors that the doll is back on the wagon again. or back in the saddle. whatever, point is the article made it seem like as soon as baby q is out of sight, she's railing lines and shooting up and doing shots and smoking doobies until she's falling asleep in the middle of an interview!
so what? as long as quetzy doesn't see, quetzy doesn't know. besides, she's still a baby! she's not going to remember all the times her mama was a hella wasted.
reporters have video of joey stating that he wants to "check" gio the next time that he sees him. joey said that gio is a "crab," ie : walks sideways, talks sideways, acts sideways; and that he's going to "make him answer" for some of the things written in the article. um, make him answer for what? the doll and cocaine go back deep - we all know triple g - gianni giovanini giotto - did not make the introductions, let's be totally real. 
joey told sodapop, and obviously sodapop then told the media, that he thinks pantydropper gianni is making the good shit readily available to kathleen in grimaldi - as he's living in her "coco cave" - and considering she is weak and addiction-prone, it is thus creating a sketchy environment for baby q, who is 86.76% of the time with her mama! gulp. i smell a custody battle of the century...that joey will lose, LOL! and didn't he just get popped for heroin? he needs to sit down. 
in other doll news : because of "spin or spun", sodapop told reporters that kathleen will not be doing interviews never, ever, ever, ever again, not even on a bet, not even if it would save her life, so don't even fucking ask! he said she felt taken advantage of by the media machine and it's not cool.
um? taken advantage of? she was the one slapping herself awake and acting like a coked-out mess at dinner! she took advantage of her own damn self by continuing the interview, when she should have just went home to her big ass mansion to do drugs en privé. also, doesn't she pay headlock to watch over so that she can specifically avoid events like this? i just can't...

g. giotto is about to be 6 feet under

and the doll is going to be on the first 48

and that is straight from our girl's mouth! 

today kathleen appeared on a very popular and a very televised arts programme to discuss, promote and plug shady lake; but of course spent about 30 seconds discussing shady lake, and the rest of the time talking about her personal life. LOL.

apparently, last night kathleen and triple g - g. gio giotto - were out in grimaldi, at fancy schmancy tropigala lounge and grille having dinner, when baby daddy joey's name became the topic of conversation - according to patrons - and gio popped off. guests at the restuarant said that the two did not give even 1/2 a fuck that they were in public and began having a very intense row in front of everyone.

the best part came - one customer said - when a waiter came over and tried to tell the doll to hush, to which she whipped her head around and screeched, "i don't give a fuck!" in his face and then went right back to yelling at gio. the waiter should have taken the cue to respond, "well, you should give a fuck!" but feared his impending doom and skipped away from kathleen.

the argument ended with the doll throwing her drink in his face and turned heel to walk out of the restaurant. from there, the manager commented that giotto went to the bathroom, punched a mirror and left without paying the bill. classy.

after that, bystanders commented that he hopped from bar to bar, annoying locals and causing more of a raucous. one person said they saw him peeing off of the roof of a bar; another said they saw him and a group of pals punch walls and kick mirrors off of parked cars.

um.......am i wrong or is gio a grown ass man? why in the hell is he running around like he just had his first cocktail, punching glass and acting like a fool? he is really showing his ass right now and i wouldn't be surprised if baby babble changes the locks on his ass and keeps it moving.

anyways, this morning, reporters caught up with the doll outside of her huge bougie mansion - nicknamed the "coco cave" - and all she had to comment was : "you know, gio is so lucky; he was about to be 6 feet under and i was going to be on the first 48." LOL.