doll gives joey a christmas prezzy he'll never forget

future mrs. kiss ends christmas by throwing tree at baby daddy joey

i truly wish this story was a joke and out of some tabloid writer's pile of rejected work, but...sadly...it's not.

today, the owner of the super fancy and VIP only tropigala lounge in grimaldi phoned into the local newspaper's office and told them about christmas with the doll and how he even had the film to back up his wild tale.....

the owner said that right around three in the morning (with the bar closing at five), a very, very angry doll had headlock throw and hold the door open, so that she could drag in a disshelved christmas tree - most likely from the brisk walk there - and proceeded to throw it in joey's direction. most likely it was more kathleen dragging the tree sassily and plopping it somewhere near joey. come on guys, that must be a major exaggeration. she can barely lift her flip-phone (which she got from a 2003 time vault along with her signed album from coal chamber), let alone lift and throw a tree all by her lonesome. 

the owner commented that after our queen left in a huff - no mention of what choice words she had for joey - he picked up the tree, propped it up in a champagne bucket and plugged it in! he says he plans to keep it lit until may, because it's technically priceless now that the doll has her fingerprints on it. wow. 

otherwise, that's the christmas the doll had! sitting at home with the baby, looking out the window while joey got slammed at a nearby pub, until she strolled in and slammed the family christmas tree down right next to him and his tumbler of whiskey. classic.

the doll's band to record first album

i know what you're thinking : the doll has a band? and the answer is yes, she does; and don't laugh, because she's probably going to strike punk rock gold.

resurrecting the riot grrrl era that kathleen - and most of her fanbase and target market - grew up in, our doll has recently taken a foray into the music industry; and with a beau like joey kiss, who can blame her? he has seen plenty of success with the indie-turned-label lost boys and those £20 baggies of heroin aren't buying themselves!! JK. 

this has all been industry buzz for months, but became official today when kathleen announced through an article in the pretty people club that she and her newly formed band, the prom queens, will begin recording at the end of the year for their first album. she was very clear that it will be all girls, no boys allowed and no, not even if they know the "secret password." and obviously the secret password is : doll, i'm holding...

she explained that the three other girls joining her will be from arcadia, cielo and grimaldi, respectively. kathleen also mentioned that she will be taking lead guitar and lead vocals (and lead drums, bass, keyboard, tambourine, french horn section...) and lest they have a death wish, shall no one try to upstage her!

all i'm thinking is : when did this bitch start taking guitar lessons? because i saw her at the freak fest and her shit wasn't even plugged in!
it was like the band just wanted her to feel special, so they handed her an acoustic guitar in front of half a million people. LOL. maybe that's all she needed to get the inspiration to record an album. maybe having joey kiss back in her pocket does too. who knows?! it's the doll! i can barely figure out my own thoughts, let alone what's going on in mind! 

dear doll.....

come now, gather 'round, it's time yet again to read the doll's latest answers to the questions she constantly receives from fans...
one of my alltime favorite pieces of fanmail asked the doll : "are you just another average cielo airhead?" to which kathleen responded : "ABOVE AVERAGE." i'm dead. #coffin

Q: If you could appear on any popular television show, what would it be? A comedy? A drama? A reality series?
A: FORENSIC FILES or THE FIRST 48 or SNAPPED

Q: Why do people give a shit about you? You're some crazy, depressed, bleached-blonde piece of trash who constantly preaches about burning your bra and strapping on combat boots - what gives?
A: GRRRLS 2 THE FRONT
ALL BOYS BE COOL 4 ONCE IN UR LIVES

Q: This being an election year, who are you voting for?
A: do you know that more people do dope in this country than voted last time for president? THINK ABOUT IT.

Q: So...you're voting for dope?
A: THERE'S HOPE IN DOPE

Q: You've spoken about spearheading a "revolution" lately - can you give us any insight?
A: THE REVOLUTION MANIFEST : all women are invited - be it by birth, surgery or mentality - gays, transgenders, allies, etc. to join forces all over the world. firstly we will take over the media machine and slowly manipulate the straight masses via television, film, music, radio, publications, etc. so that when the time comes to ask those willing to step forward, there will be less of a struggle. our goal is to bring justice to all those who feel wronged, to liberate the opressed and to love the unloved. we will bring all of the fuckers, rapists, molestors and pigs of the world to their knees with our power and move forward to take over other solar systems.

Q: Is Joey going to be involved in this Revolution?
A: yes because someone has to babysit quetzy.
i mean joey jr.

Q: What do you love most about Joey Kiss?
A: i love his greasy hair, i love his leather jacket collection, i love his black skinny jeans and his leather boots; i love his sneer; i love his tattoos; i love the way he talks and laughs at my dumb jokes; i love the kid we made together; i love that he's like a studious, but alternative, tuff punk rock, rough and tumble type of guy. he's just my type of guy.

Q: How do you enjoy success as a multimillionaire writer, film producer and now singer?
A: I DON;T LMAO
I RLLY WISH I DIDN;T WAKE UP SOMEDAYS
SOMEDAYS R BETTER THAN OTHERS
BUT IT;S NICE
BETTER THAN UR LIFE
PRBLY
KILL ME

Q: What is your favorite book of all time?
A: please kill me.
also just 4 title.

Q: You are so fierce - a strong, single, independent woman and mother for many to look up to. How do you do it?
A: R U 4 REAL? i have a nanny, a driver, a caretaker, a security guard, a publicist for a brother and the father of my child is alive and well. a village is raising quetzy and you know it.

Q: Out of all the men you've been with - who was your favorite?
A: TOP 5 : jim beam
jack daniels
johnny red
johnny black
and jose cuervo
aka all my favorite men

Q: There's a longrunning rumour that you don't eat - what's your favorite food?
A: apples - because you can smoke weed out of them instead of eating them
putting the fun in functional since johnny appleseed

Q: But you do eat...right?
A: YEAH LOTS OF SHIT
AS A CELEBRITY LOL

Q: As a celebrity, what platform are you trying to represent to use your voice for change?
A: WHO SAID I HAVE 2 DO THAT
OR WANT TO
OR WILL

Q: Surely you know what you represent to the people - how do you plan to influence those who look up to you?
A: i would tell the youth of today : slack off. call in sick to work. smoke pot. drink booze. stop driving your car and get a skateboard. try peyote. you're going to die when you're like 70, so get it while you're young. smoke 'em while you got 'em. just don't be a fucker; be nice to those who deserve it and let the assholes of the world reap their sewn negativity. be cool.

Q: Has success changed you in any way?
A: absolutely not, i was born for this life

Q: You've been nominated for a music award in Cielo - are you surprised?
A: NO!!!!1! not even one iota!

Q: Who will be your +1?
A: UR MOM!

Q: How would you describe yourself?
A: blonde, writer, mother, avant garde artist...heartbreaker, blue-eyed, sometimes musician, arcadia high school's head cheerleader and homecoming queen

Q: As a writer, you surely have read plenty of books - which character from fiction do you identify most with?
A: HESTER PRYNNE

Q: I heard you only have two cameos in Shady Lake. Why?! We need more Doll!
A: I KNO UR TELLING ME BUT IF I;M ON SCREEN 2 LONG, I'LL BURN THRU AND COME GIT U

Q: You've been in the studio recently - what do you do to get in the zone?
A: i go in, drop a hit of acid, gargle some gin and tell everyone QUIET! THE ARTIST NEEDS QUIET
YOUR ARTIST IS ABOUT TO BLOW YOUR MIND
WITH HER GROWL DEEP DOWN

Q: I heard that you performed at the Riot House this summer, threw your guitar in the air - meaning to catch it - and it hit you in the face. Is that true?
A: heyyyy ohhhh heyyyy ohhhh now i'm still alive
KAT 1 / GUITAR 0

Q: Do you think you've lost your edge and that's why you're rumored to be branching to music?
A: ??????????? I AM OVER THE EDGE!!!!!!!!!
I AM THE EDGE...the edge of a few pills away from ending it all LMAO

Q: Was "I Want a Riot Grrrl, Not a Housewife" ever recorded?
A: no so here's part 1 of the remix : I;M HERE DOING DISHES
JUST RAN OUT OF SOAP
FUCK BEING A HOUSEWIFE
I'D RATHER GO DO DOPE

Q: Speaking of dope, did you really find needles in the diaper bag?
A: OH MY WORD HERE WE FUCKING GO AGAIN WITH THIS BULLSHIT

Q: Lots of fans say they witnessed Joey and the Lost Boys seemingly under the influence of heroin when they were on the road last...how do you feel about that?
A: WHO CARES
how do you feel about that?
did it bother you? huh? did it? did it bother you to hear your longtime friend, pal, buddy and boyfriend and father of your child was out on the road - vulnerable - with a pack of fucking junkies and the word around the campfire was that he was back on dope? how would you feel?
I;D FEEL PRETTY ROTTEN IF I WERE U
ASK ME HOW I KNO

Q: You should record with Joey! That way you can keep a better eye on him and make sure he doesn't get back into heroin. What do you think?
A: I THINK NO
my next move is to do a full-concept piece about the romance between adolf hitler and the polish marie walepska. joey's gonna play hitler and we're going dye his mustache with mascara. i'm going to play marie walepska. sodapop is going to be goebbles.

basically all i heard was : heroin, heroin, heroin, joey and more heroin. gulp.

joey kiss goes to big boy rehab

this would mark stint #13 in rehab for joey kiss. and yes, you read that correctly - 13. 

somehow joey dodged a bullet and was not - i repeat was not - given an intervention after he overdosed on heroin...again...the other day. but today he's not dodging shit and his scrawny ass is firmly in the backseat of headlock's car and on the way to a rehab facility. sodapop later told reporters that kathleen refused to be apart of the sit down and was basically the linchpin in the whole ordeal. 

this is all in the wake of joey being discovered earlier this month by baby mama kathleen in his own apartment, having overdosed and found with a needle in his arm. yikes. the doll sprang into action and hauled him into the nearest hospital after he came to and made professionals deal with him. 

and, not less than a month ago, needles were found in quetzy's diaper bag upon joey returning his daughter to kathleen. this sparked worries that he was back on the bad stuff and the doll, being smarter than your average bear, asked him to take a drug test on the spot. somehow he only failed for marijuana and was thus deemed fit to meander the streets again by our girl. until now.

no word on how long he'll be in rehab, but hopefully he just gets better and gives us less kurt cobain and more krist novoselic. 

in other doll news, she did make a public statement outside of her pretty people club office in grimaldi today. she mentioned joey and his intervention and how she didn't participate. it was a lot of blah blah blah, but she basically said that she had sat in on a joey kiss intervention before and it was not a memory she'd like to relive. she wrapped up her tangent by saying, "i really should have known better. fool me once...shame on..." and then there was a long, confusing pause..."shame on, me? whatever - if fool me once, you can't get fooled again."

um, doll, put down the pipe. i believe what you mean is : fool me once, shame on me; fool me twice, shame on you and fool me three times, fuck you!!!!

doll drafts first 'shitlist'

and baby daddy joey is surprisingly not on it!!!!!!!!

kathleen has always done her best to be a private grrrl, but most of the time, ends up coming off as an opinionated, loudmouthed, emotionally slutty basket case archetype - and that's okay! i love her no matter how schizo she is. but the same might not be said for the men in her life....
our doll is definitely no stranger to heartbreak and has been definitely dealt a shitty hand when it comes to relationships as of late. ever since she dumped that no-good baby daddy joey kiss, it's like a curse was put over her head and she has been sent toad after toad! so, it's no surprise that she's taken to her soapbox to proclaim who's a big dick and who's a bigger dick in her love life.

in this month's pretty people club magazine, you can find kathleen's 'shitlist' in it's entirety - complete with photos - but here's the hightlights : 

gio giotto - this septum-wearing slimy snail will tell you he loves you in one breath and then tell you he needs to be single in another. YAWN! been there, done that and burned my bra.

bae baebel - honorable mention. waste of space. waste of time. just a waste.

sodapop cola - i don't know how i'm related to you sometimes. i would gladly pay for a vocal chord removal though!

jimmy kiss - you're the worst of the worst! should be #1 but you will never be #1 in my heart LMAO! you were the first and this is the last time i'll mention it.

what the hell? where is miss congeniality - joey kiss? is he headlining the list or something? he should be on it just for giving his baby mama so much grief and basically being the sole reason she is prescribed xanax.