shady lake is finally out in theatres

doll goes to premiere in grimaldi with her the star of shady lake, bijoux boadicea; and her always stylish mate, angel astazia - but because she's now the drummer of kathleen's new band, the prom queens - you can call her "staz". 

our girl did the red carpet in classic form : champagne bottle in hand, the handful of pills she downed in the gravedigger right before her grand entrance; and ashing her cigarette on other movie stars. and by the time her majesty made it through the bevy of media, it was time for the main event : the movie we've all been waiting on. i feel like i have been waiting my whole life for the production of this goddamn pigfuck to get the show on the road. so, i don't even care about reviews, ratings or how much cashola the film is pulling in.....all the fans (myself included) truly care about is the flick!!! 

everyone who is anyone was at the premiere, eating popcorn and trying not to pee their panties when scene by scene, teen by teen was slashed down. at the end, our baby babble gave a lengthy speech  - seriously...someone pulled up the "wrap it up" tune from award shows - thanking the crowd and ushers brought in champagne. now, the old kathleen grace was more partial to whiskey-guzzling, pill-snorting, and ballet-slippers. thus, it is good to see she grew up and that she's still "got it" if you know what i mean. she's not going to end up a bag lady, on the streets, talking to herself about photoshoots, television appearances and muttering, "jimmy kiss, johnny kiss, joey kiss," over and over again. 

with that preface, please go shell out your hard-earned coins that you have stacked for this moment, smuggle in some candy and go to your nearest movie theatre to see what all the fuss was about. 

dear doll.....

come now, gather 'round, it's time yet again to read the doll's latest answers to the questions she constantly receives from fans...
one of my alltime favorite pieces of fanmail asked the doll : "are you just another average cielo airhead?" to which kathleen responded : "ABOVE AVERAGE." i'm dead. #coffin

Q: If you could appear on any popular television show, what would it be? A comedy? A drama? A reality series?
A: FORENSIC FILES or THE FIRST 48 or SNAPPED

Q: Why do people give a shit about you? You're some crazy, depressed, bleached-blonde piece of trash who constantly preaches about burning your bra and strapping on combat boots - what gives?
A: GRRRLS 2 THE FRONT
ALL BOYS BE COOL 4 ONCE IN UR LIVES

Q: This being an election year, who are you voting for?
A: do you know that more people do dope in this country than voted last time for president? THINK ABOUT IT.

Q: So...you're voting for dope?
A: THERE'S HOPE IN DOPE

Q: You've spoken about spearheading a "revolution" lately - can you give us any insight?
A: THE REVOLUTION MANIFEST : all women are invited - be it by birth, surgery or mentality - gays, transgenders, allies, etc. to join forces all over the world. firstly we will take over the media machine and slowly manipulate the straight masses via television, film, music, radio, publications, etc. so that when the time comes to ask those willing to step forward, there will be less of a struggle. our goal is to bring justice to all those who feel wronged, to liberate the opressed and to love the unloved. we will bring all of the fuckers, rapists, molestors and pigs of the world to their knees with our power and move forward to take over other solar systems.

Q: Is Joey going to be involved in this Revolution?
A: yes because someone has to babysit quetzy.
i mean joey jr.

Q: What do you love most about Joey Kiss?
A: i love his greasy hair, i love his leather jacket collection, i love his black skinny jeans and his leather boots; i love his sneer; i love his tattoos; i love the way he talks and laughs at my dumb jokes; i love the kid we made together; i love that he's like a studious, but alternative, tuff punk rock, rough and tumble type of guy. he's just my type of guy.

Q: How do you enjoy success as a multimillionaire writer, film producer and now singer?
A: I DON;T LMAO
I RLLY WISH I DIDN;T WAKE UP SOMEDAYS
SOMEDAYS R BETTER THAN OTHERS
BUT IT;S NICE
BETTER THAN UR LIFE
PRBLY
KILL ME

Q: What is your favorite book of all time?
A: please kill me.
also just 4 title.

Q: You are so fierce - a strong, single, independent woman and mother for many to look up to. How do you do it?
A: R U 4 REAL? i have a nanny, a driver, a caretaker, a security guard, a publicist for a brother and the father of my child is alive and well. a village is raising quetzy and you know it.

Q: Out of all the men you've been with - who was your favorite?
A: TOP 5 : jim beam
jack daniels
johnny red
johnny black
and jose cuervo
aka all my favorite men

Q: There's a longrunning rumour that you don't eat - what's your favorite food?
A: apples - because you can smoke weed out of them instead of eating them
putting the fun in functional since johnny appleseed

Q: But you do eat...right?
A: YEAH LOTS OF SHIT
AS A CELEBRITY LOL

Q: As a celebrity, what platform are you trying to represent to use your voice for change?
A: WHO SAID I HAVE 2 DO THAT
OR WANT TO
OR WILL

Q: Surely you know what you represent to the people - how do you plan to influence those who look up to you?
A: i would tell the youth of today : slack off. call in sick to work. smoke pot. drink booze. stop driving your car and get a skateboard. try peyote. you're going to die when you're like 70, so get it while you're young. smoke 'em while you got 'em. just don't be a fucker; be nice to those who deserve it and let the assholes of the world reap their sewn negativity. be cool.

Q: Has success changed you in any way?
A: absolutely not, i was born for this life

Q: You've been nominated for a music award in Cielo - are you surprised?
A: NO!!!!1! not even one iota!

Q: Who will be your +1?
A: UR MOM!

Q: How would you describe yourself?
A: blonde, writer, mother, avant garde artist...heartbreaker, blue-eyed, sometimes musician, arcadia high school's head cheerleader and homecoming queen

Q: As a writer, you surely have read plenty of books - which character from fiction do you identify most with?
A: HESTER PRYNNE

Q: I heard you only have two cameos in Shady Lake. Why?! We need more Doll!
A: I KNO UR TELLING ME BUT IF I;M ON SCREEN 2 LONG, I'LL BURN THRU AND COME GIT U

Q: You've been in the studio recently - what do you do to get in the zone?
A: i go in, drop a hit of acid, gargle some gin and tell everyone QUIET! THE ARTIST NEEDS QUIET
YOUR ARTIST IS ABOUT TO BLOW YOUR MIND
WITH HER GROWL DEEP DOWN

Q: I heard that you performed at the Riot House this summer, threw your guitar in the air - meaning to catch it - and it hit you in the face. Is that true?
A: heyyyy ohhhh heyyyy ohhhh now i'm still alive
KAT 1 / GUITAR 0

Q: Do you think you've lost your edge and that's why you're rumored to be branching to music?
A: ??????????? I AM OVER THE EDGE!!!!!!!!!
I AM THE EDGE...the edge of a few pills away from ending it all LMAO

Q: Was "I Want a Riot Grrrl, Not a Housewife" ever recorded?
A: no so here's part 1 of the remix : I;M HERE DOING DISHES
JUST RAN OUT OF SOAP
FUCK BEING A HOUSEWIFE
I'D RATHER GO DO DOPE

Q: Speaking of dope, did you really find needles in the diaper bag?
A: OH MY WORD HERE WE FUCKING GO AGAIN WITH THIS BULLSHIT

Q: Lots of fans say they witnessed Joey and the Lost Boys seemingly under the influence of heroin when they were on the road last...how do you feel about that?
A: WHO CARES
how do you feel about that?
did it bother you? huh? did it? did it bother you to hear your longtime friend, pal, buddy and boyfriend and father of your child was out on the road - vulnerable - with a pack of fucking junkies and the word around the campfire was that he was back on dope? how would you feel?
I;D FEEL PRETTY ROTTEN IF I WERE U
ASK ME HOW I KNO

Q: You should record with Joey! That way you can keep a better eye on him and make sure he doesn't get back into heroin. What do you think?
A: I THINK NO
my next move is to do a full-concept piece about the romance between adolf hitler and the polish marie walepska. joey's gonna play hitler and we're going dye his mustache with mascara. i'm going to play marie walepska. sodapop is going to be goebbles.

basically all i heard was : heroin, heroin, heroin, joey and more heroin. gulp.

doll drafts first 'shitlist'

and baby daddy joey is surprisingly not on it!!!!!!!!

kathleen has always done her best to be a private grrrl, but most of the time, ends up coming off as an opinionated, loudmouthed, emotionally slutty basket case archetype - and that's okay! i love her no matter how schizo she is. but the same might not be said for the men in her life....
our doll is definitely no stranger to heartbreak and has been definitely dealt a shitty hand when it comes to relationships as of late. ever since she dumped that no-good baby daddy joey kiss, it's like a curse was put over her head and she has been sent toad after toad! so, it's no surprise that she's taken to her soapbox to proclaim who's a big dick and who's a bigger dick in her love life.

in this month's pretty people club magazine, you can find kathleen's 'shitlist' in it's entirety - complete with photos - but here's the hightlights : 

gio giotto - this septum-wearing slimy snail will tell you he loves you in one breath and then tell you he needs to be single in another. YAWN! been there, done that and burned my bra.

bae baebel - honorable mention. waste of space. waste of time. just a waste.

sodapop cola - i don't know how i'm related to you sometimes. i would gladly pay for a vocal chord removal though!

jimmy kiss - you're the worst of the worst! should be #1 but you will never be #1 in my heart LMAO! you were the first and this is the last time i'll mention it.

what the hell? where is miss congeniality - joey kiss? is he headlining the list or something? he should be on it just for giving his baby mama so much grief and basically being the sole reason she is prescribed xanax. 

kathleen finds joey's needles in their child's diaper bag

...and the doll catches him with needles and he's not doing dope? we're talking about joey "i've got a problem with dope" kiss!

joey kiss immediately left to get an at-home drug test to prove to kathleen that all was well. he only failed for marijuana. boring! i would have thought, at the least, he'd have some animal tranquilizers on board...

yeesh. must be tough for our girl. the couple has always been up and down, in and out of rehab and on and off drugs together. even though times have recently been shaky for party doll kathleen, she doesn't seem up to her old tricks of heroin and cocaine cocktails and an affinity for all things chaotic. 

however, baby daddy joey has had a deeper past with drugs, including an overdose, suicide attempt and several run-ins with the law. he recently got off court-mandated probation for a cocaine charge he received years ago. i don't know how he got off early, but i have a feeling it has something to do with someone whose name rhymes with schmathleen. 

also, how it got out to the press, we'll never know...
just kidding! sodapop was throwing out the at-home drug test this morning and totally shoved joey in front of the proverbial bus by turning what sounds like a private family issue into a dramatic production (complete with : four-part harmonies, wind instruments in the wings, a violin solo, etc.) 

the rohypnol doll strikes again!

doll forgets what her warrants are for

public record is just that, people - public!! so it comes as no surprise when reporters got their hands on kathleen's criminal record with little effort......

kathleen was at XERB radio station this morning to pimp SHADY LAKE and ended up talking about her criminal record instead. gulp. you know where this is going...

at one point, the DJ asked her if she's had any recent run-ins with the law, considering the mountain tabloid material she's been giving us lately. she did answer as honestly as possible and admitted that, yes, she's recently been apprehended for a hit and run - aka a 'misunderstanding' - in arcadia and another infraction for which she literally cannot recall. 

you know she totally had a glazed-over look in her eye the whole time she was at the radio station and probably had the heroin snots running from her nose when she commented : "i know i missed court for that hit and run in the gravedigger one night, but...um...i honestly couldn't tell you what the second is for."

"i didn't know i had to worry about stuff like that - i mean, i'm the talent." LOL! you do have to worry about 'stuff like that' - aka going to jail - babe! 

this is why i love her! the best part is, you know she won't do a minute of time for any offense! i don't even know how she was arrested in the first place! the handcuffs should have dissolved in a puff of smoke and houdini-doll should have skipped of into the wild blue yonder with a clean record!

doll falls asleep mid-sentence

the doll's not on heroin....but she did nod off during important shady lake production panel

i wasn't a straight-A student or anything but it definitely doesn't take a brain surgeon to see right through the doll's baloney! 

the doll is still in arcadia  which means she got suckered into an mandatory panel for shady lake today and it was classic doll. other than being the sassiest girl in the spot, she nodded off during several questions and, after her eyes did several sets of back-flips in her head, she left everyone thinking : is is 2007 all over again? i can't honestly answer that one for you, but i can tell you that if baby babble is back on the brown stuff, all bets are off.

the best part of the panel came when a reporter asked the doll, "i thought shady lake was supposed to be a horror movie? most of the clips that have screened have many references to hard drug use...care to elaborate?" 

kathleen fiddled with her ratty hair for a couple moments before her eyes closed and her head began to slowly fall back like a sleepy baby. maybe 10 seconds passed before she jarred awake and with eyes wide, responded hazily, "yeah.....i don't know, i don't really know. i mean i suppose if my baby Q is happy, then i'm happy. i mean, i've done really well, but i am just really focused on getting this film done." HUH. WUT. what the hell does that have to do with the price of tea in china?? the reporter might as well have asked her, "on a scale of 1-10, what's your favorite color of the alphabet?" because she wasn't making any goddamn sense! 

it's no wonder the doll is drooling and falling asleep in the middle of a sentence! the public has come to the conclusion that her ultra chic diet of cocaine, doobies, heroin, candy, ice cream, booze, cigarettes, coffee, barbiturates, pills and roofies is finally catching up to her. rock 'n' roll heaven is a-callin' and joey ramone is at the pearly gates with a welcome basket. 

the rohypnol doll

she's a prescription party sister

you know how pretty much everyone in the world is anti-date rape and pretty much therefore anti-date rape drugs? well, not the doll! even though she is a total riot grrrl and has been ever since she heard her first bikini kill song, she recently admitted to being prescribed rohypnol - AKA "roofies" - for her insomnia.

oh yeah, doll, insomnia *wink wink* i feel you.

so, pretty much when you ask the doll, "remember that one time...?" no, she doesn't - because she's been on prescription roofies for years!!

and no, memory loss is not a symptom of hanging 'round the kiss brothers since puberty, it is a common symptom with taking the drug over an extended period of time. 

you know, i have been saying for years that she must cast some kind of magic spell to get people to fall so hard for her....little did i know it wasn't magic and kathleen isn't half the witch i thought she was - it's all due to her being prescribed the good shit! joey kiss was probably a decent human being with a potentially bright future before he met her and she slipped him one of her magic pills...now he's just another cute junkie with good music taste in a leather jacket.