doll gives joey a christmas prezzy he'll never forget

future mrs. kiss ends christmas by throwing tree at baby daddy joey

i truly wish this story was a joke and out of some tabloid writer's pile of rejected work, but...sadly...it's not.

today, the owner of the super fancy and VIP only tropigala lounge in grimaldi phoned into the local newspaper's office and told them about christmas with the doll and how he even had the film to back up his wild tale.....

the owner said that right around three in the morning (with the bar closing at five), a very, very angry doll had headlock throw and hold the door open, so that she could drag in a disshelved christmas tree - most likely from the brisk walk there - and proceeded to throw it in joey's direction. most likely it was more kathleen dragging the tree sassily and plopping it somewhere near joey. come on guys, that must be a major exaggeration. she can barely lift her flip-phone (which she got from a 2003 time vault along with her signed album from coal chamber), let alone lift and throw a tree all by her lonesome. 

the owner commented that after our queen left in a huff - no mention of what choice words she had for joey - he picked up the tree, propped it up in a champagne bucket and plugged it in! he says he plans to keep it lit until may, because it's technically priceless now that the doll has her fingerprints on it. wow. 

otherwise, that's the christmas the doll had! sitting at home with the baby, looking out the window while joey got slammed at a nearby pub, until she strolled in and slammed the family christmas tree down right next to him and his tumbler of whiskey. classic.

doll does her witchy duty

warns isle of grimaldi locals about mercury retrograde

gotta love our girl! if it wasn't for her, half of the isle wouldn't know about the important astrological phenomenon that is mercury retrograde!

in fact, she took to the public radio this morning for a whole six hours to go on and on about this topic. it was on the level - it sounded like it was pulled from 1994, or the doll was high or both. she mentioned people watching shady lake on their VCRs, which i don't believe even exist anymore; and that she can't wait to do MTV's music video countdown show, TRL, which again, I don't believe exists anymore. everyone listening probably felt like they were also about to possibly win tickets to the blink 182 concert if they were caller #69. LOL. she was really giving us some good material. 

basically, it goes without saying that the doll is a little crazytown sometimes and she really doesn't care who knows. all she cares about is that people have their correct crystals and mojo rocks or whatever and their altars set up facing the northern moon of jupiter. also, don't forget to meet with your coven for a chant before the full moon so they can be extra powerful warlocks. and don't forget to do a line for every ring that the planet saturn has. which is how many lines the doll was on this morning. 

love her. she is so going to be in the next new sitcom reboot called : i dream of doll and it's going to be based off of her real life as a witch instead of a genie in a bottle. 

GRRRL

that's the only word you need to know!

kathleen released via the pretty people club today that her first album with the prom queens would be titled : GRRRL.

the doll has always been slow on the uptake and must not have realized that her album name was leaked months ago and we're all with the program. GRRRL sounds like it's going to be totes power. i feel it. i can't wait to put it on my stereo and annoy my neighbors. seriously.

i am so glad kathleen got a guitar. i'm just mad it took her so long, because you know her album will be full of shitty solos since she barely just learned what a chord is! you know, you would think with a musical genius fiancé like joey kiss, she would know at least a tab by now, but no such luck...

just kidding! the doll is a gift to the music industry and they should consider themselves lucky for her deciding to wail! her music should be shot into space for future generations to discover and worship. she is all of the rock gods from the 1970s rolled into a sparkly, angry, blonde wrecking ball. 

doll vows to remain totes riot grrrl

even as kathleen grace kiss

this is news we all totally saw coming - kathleen announced today not only her engagement, but that she personally asked joey to remove the word obeyi from their vows.
she deemed it "archaic, and not in a good way". LOL.
the standard vows read :

"i - whoever they are -take you to be my husband, to have and to hold
from this day forward;
for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health,
to love, cherish, and obey, till death us do part.”

the doll said, "i will not be obeying anyone, certainly joey; and so it will not be included in our vows." she then added, "but i will think about giving him less sass after i'm officially mrs. kiss." doubtful. and truly, i'd rather her up the sass factor. she's at a level six, i need her to at least bring it to a level 8.75 by the time her and joey are executing their rehearsal dinner.

shady lake is finally out in theatres

doll goes to premiere in grimaldi with her the star of shady lake, bijoux boadicea; and her always stylish mate, angel astazia - but because she's now the drummer of kathleen's new band, the prom queens - you can call her "staz". 

our girl did the red carpet in classic form : champagne bottle in hand, the handful of pills she downed in the gravedigger right before her grand entrance; and ashing her cigarette on other movie stars. and by the time her majesty made it through the bevy of media, it was time for the main event : the movie we've all been waiting on. i feel like i have been waiting my whole life for the production of this goddamn pigfuck to get the show on the road. so, i don't even care about reviews, ratings or how much cashola the film is pulling in.....all the fans (myself included) truly care about is the flick!!! 

everyone who is anyone was at the premiere, eating popcorn and trying not to pee their panties when scene by scene, teen by teen was slashed down. at the end, our baby babble gave a lengthy speech  - seriously...someone pulled up the "wrap it up" tune from award shows - thanking the crowd and ushers brought in champagne. now, the old kathleen grace was more partial to whiskey-guzzling, pill-snorting, and ballet-slippers. thus, it is good to see she grew up and that she's still "got it" if you know what i mean. she's not going to end up a bag lady, on the streets, talking to herself about photoshoots, television appearances and muttering, "jimmy kiss, johnny kiss, joey kiss," over and over again. 

with that preface, please go shell out your hard-earned coins that you have stacked for this moment, smuggle in some candy and go to your nearest movie theatre to see what all the fuss was about. 

doll to release "let's go git raped"

*gulps*

say hello to the prom queens : an all girl band, straight from the doll's collection of hangers-on over the years...
there is kathleen on lead vocals and guitar - is there any other way? - angel astazia on drums, some hippy brunette on bass and a grungy freckly girl on backup guitar and secondary vocals. angel previously helped our girl with her "wake up or we break up", which saw immediate success online, in stores and overseas. released through the independent hep parade studios, kathleen was approached soon thereafter by several major labels to record an album. her answer was obviously, "yasssss! duh! shut up and give me all your money!" 

so, today, outside of the pretty people club offices in grimaldi, she told reporters more about the formation of the prom queens and that they'll soon be recording their first single : "let's go git raped." 
......let it sink in. it's very ambitious. let's just leave it at that.
but kathleen didn't leave it at that! the next thing out of her mouth was - and this is a direct quote from joey kiss when the lost boys were dealing with the "touch me, i'm prick" backlash - "it's such an anti - let me say that again - anti-rape song, that i'm not even going to go into it. i'm just tired of people dissecting me; my art, my writing. and i'll be damned if they do it to my music." aw. so punk. sid vicious, joe strummer and joey ramone are all taking shots in her honor tonight in rock 'n' roll heaven.
i'm totes expecting the prom queens' first album to top the charts, even though she truly has no musical experience or can even carry a tune, from the general word around the campfire these days. her talent is to be discussed at another time...
also her PR team must be doing boatloads of xanax...