doll does her witchy duty

warns isle of grimaldi locals about mercury retrograde

gotta love our girl! if it wasn't for her, half of the isle wouldn't know about the important astrological phenomenon that is mercury retrograde!

in fact, she took to the public radio this morning for a whole six hours to go on and on about this topic. it was on the level - it sounded like it was pulled from 1994, or the doll was high or both. she mentioned people watching shady lake on their VCRs, which i don't believe even exist anymore; and that she can't wait to do MTV's music video countdown show, TRL, which again, I don't believe exists anymore. everyone listening probably felt like they were also about to possibly win tickets to the blink 182 concert if they were caller #69. LOL. she was really giving us some good material. 

basically, it goes without saying that the doll is a little crazytown sometimes and she really doesn't care who knows. all she cares about is that people have their correct crystals and mojo rocks or whatever and their altars set up facing the northern moon of jupiter. also, don't forget to meet with your coven for a chant before the full moon so they can be extra powerful warlocks. and don't forget to do a line for every ring that the planet saturn has. which is how many lines the doll was on this morning. 

love her. she is so going to be in the next new sitcom reboot called : i dream of doll and it's going to be based off of her real life as a witch instead of a genie in a bottle. 

doll goes on town meeting television programme

to defend the prom queens' single "let's go git raped"
 

last night, at 7 PM sharp, in the high school gymnasium of arcadia, a PTA meeting took place to brainstorm ideas how to get the doll's new song, "let's go git raped" yanked from radios before it's even recorded. the meeting was half townies and half kids that attended the high school; and at 7:21 PM sharp, kathleen and joey kiss came in and took seats next to the host of the meeting. and at 7:22 sharp, right on schedule, the press arrived to air the whole thing live.

kathleen appeared against a mother, whose agenda was to get the album pulled from local record stores - to which our girl had no opposition to a woman fighting for a cause. she also faced a teenager from the high school, who had created an anti-doll group and called her a "shameless slut," "talentless, bleached-blonde piece of trash," and my favorite, "an ugly lesbian." he truly saved the best for last. i wonder if he knows she's engaged to a man....OH AND THAT SHE'S MOST DEFINITELY 100% FOR SURE NOT UGLY. she's an angel descended from heaven and we are lucky to have her gracing the headlines on the daily. 

because the panel went for over three hours, and we don't have time for that, here's the TL; DR version of the doll vs. everyone else :

Q: Why such a scandalous title?
A: Why not? Who's going to stop me? Because if someone was to try, it'd definitely have to be someone with more balls than you, that's for damn sure. Q: Who is the song aimed towards? And in the same token, who is it sung for?
A: It is aimed against the straight, macho, Baywatch-watching mentality that we sadly have overpopulating the streets today. It is sung for myself, my daughter and the women who can't sing for themselves.Q: Let's say, for example, that the song is banned. What would you do in reaction, if anything?
A: No one can censor me. Period. End up. If, and only if my magical spells on the mass public falter, I will fight it until "Let's Go Git Raped" becomes our national fucking anthem.Q: "Let's Go Git Raped" is truly your darkest material as of yet. Any particular reason for the change in a more grungy sound?
A: i wanted to branch out the metal crowd so that they could become studious, alternative people and stop being long haired, satan-worshipping boys who needed to work less on changing their carburetors and more on fighting for their rights. And not to party. The Prom Queens aren't just for the women and drag queens, people.Q: Any plans to go on tour?
A: Um...yeah...that's kind of how it works. I almost am being bound and shackled like Cassiopeia in her chair to do so. That's kind of how it goes in the music industry - get signed, cut an album, watch it go from Platinum to Diamond-certified, go on tour, play shows, get adored, go backstage, do witchy shit...you get the drill. Q: As it has been discussed on the news; if your song was to be banned, do you think your writing--:"
A: (cuts interviewer off) I'm going to stop you there. No one is banning anything. So these hypothetical questions from magical fantasy unicorn land that you're concocting are really not valid. I really hate to be a bitch here, but I feel like more people are going to buy my single than boycott it, thanks mostly to your stupidity as an interviewer. Q: Some mothers have been quoted as saying you're a 'bad mother' for creating such a piece of music; and that you'd be harming your daughter by letting her listen to it in the future. What are your comments for them?
A: (laughs) Well, luckily for those clucking hens, I am Quetzalith's mother and I can teach her whatever I want. I can teach her to love her body and respect it and maintain that even if she wanted to pose topless for Playboy magazine, I would love her no less. Even though I think pornography is awful garbage and should be collected in total for a massive bonfire - I'd love more than to see it go, but I place my ideals of freedom higher than my person opinion. And I have some pretty far-reaching ideals on freedom. Just remember - we're all on this big, floating sphere together, brother. Kumbaya, peace and love, Namu Myōhō Renge Kyō......
Now, I'm sure most of you expected me to say, "Next question," or, "fuck off," but I am more than prepared to discuss my art whenever someone - fan or foe - wants to know. You can send your fanmail to P.O. Box 666, 24680 Front Street, Arcadia by way of the Doll.Q: Our last question tonight comes to your from a little girl, in the 3rd grade, who saw your picture in a magazine recently. She wanted to say : "You look like a real princess. When I grow up, I want to be just like you. What is your job? And what's your favorite flavor of ice cream?
Yours truly,
Gretchen Jaborra
A: My job is to inspire you, my new friend; and teach you, through my art, how to make your dreams come true. And my favorite ice cream flavor is none because I detest almost every type of food on this planet. I mostly survive on Buddhist chants, tarot card readings, smoothies, sunshine, Joey and my guitar. But please, baby girl, take my advice and eat your fruits and veggies so you can be big and strong someday.

i think my favorite part was when she said, "I really hate to be a bitch here, but...." um, no she didn't!!! there is 0% of her that cares about being a bitch. especially at that point. who in the hell came up with the idea that her single - which has yet to be released - will be banned?! that isn't even a thing anymore! besides, it's been marketed as an anti-rape song and the prom queens' album, GRRRL, plan to donate the proceeds to several women's charities. the latter was kept secret until their official contract with the record company was signed and as soon as kathleen could get to a reporter, she let the world know that she is here for women's (and drag queen's) rights and she's not going to be quiet. ever. 

i'd recommend either buying earplugs or buying a ticket for the front row of the latest installment of drama in the doll's life.

dear doll.....

come now, gather 'round, it's time yet again to read the doll's latest answers to the questions she constantly receives from fans...
one of my alltime favorite pieces of fanmail asked the doll : "are you just another average cielo airhead?" to which kathleen responded : "ABOVE AVERAGE." i'm dead. #coffin

Q: If you could appear on any popular television show, what would it be? A comedy? A drama? A reality series?
A: FORENSIC FILES or THE FIRST 48 or SNAPPED

Q: Why do people give a shit about you? You're some crazy, depressed, bleached-blonde piece of trash who constantly preaches about burning your bra and strapping on combat boots - what gives?
A: GRRRLS 2 THE FRONT
ALL BOYS BE COOL 4 ONCE IN UR LIVES

Q: This being an election year, who are you voting for?
A: do you know that more people do dope in this country than voted last time for president? THINK ABOUT IT.

Q: So...you're voting for dope?
A: THERE'S HOPE IN DOPE

Q: You've spoken about spearheading a "revolution" lately - can you give us any insight?
A: THE REVOLUTION MANIFEST : all women are invited - be it by birth, surgery or mentality - gays, transgenders, allies, etc. to join forces all over the world. firstly we will take over the media machine and slowly manipulate the straight masses via television, film, music, radio, publications, etc. so that when the time comes to ask those willing to step forward, there will be less of a struggle. our goal is to bring justice to all those who feel wronged, to liberate the opressed and to love the unloved. we will bring all of the fuckers, rapists, molestors and pigs of the world to their knees with our power and move forward to take over other solar systems.

Q: Is Joey going to be involved in this Revolution?
A: yes because someone has to babysit quetzy.
i mean joey jr.

Q: What do you love most about Joey Kiss?
A: i love his greasy hair, i love his leather jacket collection, i love his black skinny jeans and his leather boots; i love his sneer; i love his tattoos; i love the way he talks and laughs at my dumb jokes; i love the kid we made together; i love that he's like a studious, but alternative, tuff punk rock, rough and tumble type of guy. he's just my type of guy.

Q: How do you enjoy success as a multimillionaire writer, film producer and now singer?
A: I DON;T LMAO
I RLLY WISH I DIDN;T WAKE UP SOMEDAYS
SOMEDAYS R BETTER THAN OTHERS
BUT IT;S NICE
BETTER THAN UR LIFE
PRBLY
KILL ME

Q: What is your favorite book of all time?
A: please kill me.
also just 4 title.

Q: You are so fierce - a strong, single, independent woman and mother for many to look up to. How do you do it?
A: R U 4 REAL? i have a nanny, a driver, a caretaker, a security guard, a publicist for a brother and the father of my child is alive and well. a village is raising quetzy and you know it.

Q: Out of all the men you've been with - who was your favorite?
A: TOP 5 : jim beam
jack daniels
johnny red
johnny black
and jose cuervo
aka all my favorite men

Q: There's a longrunning rumour that you don't eat - what's your favorite food?
A: apples - because you can smoke weed out of them instead of eating them
putting the fun in functional since johnny appleseed

Q: But you do eat...right?
A: YEAH LOTS OF SHIT
AS A CELEBRITY LOL

Q: As a celebrity, what platform are you trying to represent to use your voice for change?
A: WHO SAID I HAVE 2 DO THAT
OR WANT TO
OR WILL

Q: Surely you know what you represent to the people - how do you plan to influence those who look up to you?
A: i would tell the youth of today : slack off. call in sick to work. smoke pot. drink booze. stop driving your car and get a skateboard. try peyote. you're going to die when you're like 70, so get it while you're young. smoke 'em while you got 'em. just don't be a fucker; be nice to those who deserve it and let the assholes of the world reap their sewn negativity. be cool.

Q: Has success changed you in any way?
A: absolutely not, i was born for this life

Q: You've been nominated for a music award in Cielo - are you surprised?
A: NO!!!!1! not even one iota!

Q: Who will be your +1?
A: UR MOM!

Q: How would you describe yourself?
A: blonde, writer, mother, avant garde artist...heartbreaker, blue-eyed, sometimes musician, arcadia high school's head cheerleader and homecoming queen

Q: As a writer, you surely have read plenty of books - which character from fiction do you identify most with?
A: HESTER PRYNNE

Q: I heard you only have two cameos in Shady Lake. Why?! We need more Doll!
A: I KNO UR TELLING ME BUT IF I;M ON SCREEN 2 LONG, I'LL BURN THRU AND COME GIT U

Q: You've been in the studio recently - what do you do to get in the zone?
A: i go in, drop a hit of acid, gargle some gin and tell everyone QUIET! THE ARTIST NEEDS QUIET
YOUR ARTIST IS ABOUT TO BLOW YOUR MIND
WITH HER GROWL DEEP DOWN

Q: I heard that you performed at the Riot House this summer, threw your guitar in the air - meaning to catch it - and it hit you in the face. Is that true?
A: heyyyy ohhhh heyyyy ohhhh now i'm still alive
KAT 1 / GUITAR 0

Q: Do you think you've lost your edge and that's why you're rumored to be branching to music?
A: ??????????? I AM OVER THE EDGE!!!!!!!!!
I AM THE EDGE...the edge of a few pills away from ending it all LMAO

Q: Was "I Want a Riot Grrrl, Not a Housewife" ever recorded?
A: no so here's part 1 of the remix : I;M HERE DOING DISHES
JUST RAN OUT OF SOAP
FUCK BEING A HOUSEWIFE
I'D RATHER GO DO DOPE

Q: Speaking of dope, did you really find needles in the diaper bag?
A: OH MY WORD HERE WE FUCKING GO AGAIN WITH THIS BULLSHIT

Q: Lots of fans say they witnessed Joey and the Lost Boys seemingly under the influence of heroin when they were on the road last...how do you feel about that?
A: WHO CARES
how do you feel about that?
did it bother you? huh? did it? did it bother you to hear your longtime friend, pal, buddy and boyfriend and father of your child was out on the road - vulnerable - with a pack of fucking junkies and the word around the campfire was that he was back on dope? how would you feel?
I;D FEEL PRETTY ROTTEN IF I WERE U
ASK ME HOW I KNO

Q: You should record with Joey! That way you can keep a better eye on him and make sure he doesn't get back into heroin. What do you think?
A: I THINK NO
my next move is to do a full-concept piece about the romance between adolf hitler and the polish marie walepska. joey's gonna play hitler and we're going dye his mustache with mascara. i'm going to play marie walepska. sodapop is going to be goebbles.

basically all i heard was : heroin, heroin, heroin, joey and more heroin. gulp.

the rohypnol doll

she's a prescription party sister

you know how pretty much everyone in the world is anti-date rape and pretty much therefore anti-date rape drugs? well, not the doll! even though she is a total riot grrrl and has been ever since she heard her first bikini kill song, she recently admitted to being prescribed rohypnol - AKA "roofies" - for her insomnia.

oh yeah, doll, insomnia *wink wink* i feel you.

so, pretty much when you ask the doll, "remember that one time...?" no, she doesn't - because she's been on prescription roofies for years!!

and no, memory loss is not a symptom of hanging 'round the kiss brothers since puberty, it is a common symptom with taking the drug over an extended period of time. 

you know, i have been saying for years that she must cast some kind of magic spell to get people to fall so hard for her....little did i know it wasn't magic and kathleen isn't half the witch i thought she was - it's all due to her being prescribed the good shit! joey kiss was probably a decent human being with a potentially bright future before he met her and she slipped him one of her magic pills...now he's just another cute junkie with good music taste in a leather jacket.

happy birthday baby!

international doll day

another year and the doll doesn't look a day over 22! i don't know if she's found the fountain of youth or if she's making a magic elixir for herself with the blood of local junior high students, some voodoo herbs and a unicorn hoove, but it doesn't matter to me! she's still killing it and i'm still proud to be her #1 fan. 

this year, though, there wasn't any lavish celebration - there were no edible diamonds on her cake, no tower of presents, no fireworks show - instead, a small party was held in her honor at the cielan riot house and less than 50 were in attendance. 

the big question on everyone's mind was : is homewrecker gianni giotto going to show up? and the answer was YASSSSSSSSSS!!! sodapop confirmed that while baby daddy joey kiss is away, the doll is at play....with gianni....

guests told reporters that gianni brought kathleen an eight-ball of love and a big bouqet of roses. she made no qualms about kissing him in front of the patrons and at one point, thanked him during her speech to guests in the vicinity. 

um......wut? she doesn't even know him! i mean, i get it doll, he's sexy and has a body that even a greek god would be jealous of, but that's not the point! she doesn't even know his middle name! she hasn't even dropped acid with him! how could she trust him? maybe she should pay a visit to the cielo county jail after all.....