doll gives joey a christmas prezzy he'll never forget

future mrs. kiss ends christmas by throwing tree at baby daddy joey

i truly wish this story was a joke and out of some tabloid writer's pile of rejected work, but...sadly...it's not.

today, the owner of the super fancy and VIP only tropigala lounge in grimaldi phoned into the local newspaper's office and told them about christmas with the doll and how he even had the film to back up his wild tale.....

the owner said that right around three in the morning (with the bar closing at five), a very, very angry doll had headlock throw and hold the door open, so that she could drag in a disshelved christmas tree - most likely from the brisk walk there - and proceeded to throw it in joey's direction. most likely it was more kathleen dragging the tree sassily and plopping it somewhere near joey. come on guys, that must be a major exaggeration. she can barely lift her flip-phone (which she got from a 2003 time vault along with her signed album from coal chamber), let alone lift and throw a tree all by her lonesome. 

the owner commented that after our queen left in a huff - no mention of what choice words she had for joey - he picked up the tree, propped it up in a champagne bucket and plugged it in! he says he plans to keep it lit until may, because it's technically priceless now that the doll has her fingerprints on it. wow. 

otherwise, that's the christmas the doll had! sitting at home with the baby, looking out the window while joey got slammed at a nearby pub, until she strolled in and slammed the family christmas tree down right next to him and his tumbler of whiskey. classic.

doll goes on town meeting television programme

to defend the prom queens' single "let's go git raped"
 

last night, at 7 PM sharp, in the high school gymnasium of arcadia, a PTA meeting took place to brainstorm ideas how to get the doll's new song, "let's go git raped" yanked from radios before it's even recorded. the meeting was half townies and half kids that attended the high school; and at 7:21 PM sharp, kathleen and joey kiss came in and took seats next to the host of the meeting. and at 7:22 sharp, right on schedule, the press arrived to air the whole thing live.

kathleen appeared against a mother, whose agenda was to get the album pulled from local record stores - to which our girl had no opposition to a woman fighting for a cause. she also faced a teenager from the high school, who had created an anti-doll group and called her a "shameless slut," "talentless, bleached-blonde piece of trash," and my favorite, "an ugly lesbian." he truly saved the best for last. i wonder if he knows she's engaged to a man....OH AND THAT SHE'S MOST DEFINITELY 100% FOR SURE NOT UGLY. she's an angel descended from heaven and we are lucky to have her gracing the headlines on the daily. 

because the panel went for over three hours, and we don't have time for that, here's the TL; DR version of the doll vs. everyone else :

Q: Why such a scandalous title?
A: Why not? Who's going to stop me? Because if someone was to try, it'd definitely have to be someone with more balls than you, that's for damn sure. Q: Who is the song aimed towards? And in the same token, who is it sung for?
A: It is aimed against the straight, macho, Baywatch-watching mentality that we sadly have overpopulating the streets today. It is sung for myself, my daughter and the women who can't sing for themselves.Q: Let's say, for example, that the song is banned. What would you do in reaction, if anything?
A: No one can censor me. Period. End up. If, and only if my magical spells on the mass public falter, I will fight it until "Let's Go Git Raped" becomes our national fucking anthem.Q: "Let's Go Git Raped" is truly your darkest material as of yet. Any particular reason for the change in a more grungy sound?
A: i wanted to branch out the metal crowd so that they could become studious, alternative people and stop being long haired, satan-worshipping boys who needed to work less on changing their carburetors and more on fighting for their rights. And not to party. The Prom Queens aren't just for the women and drag queens, people.Q: Any plans to go on tour?
A: Um...yeah...that's kind of how it works. I almost am being bound and shackled like Cassiopeia in her chair to do so. That's kind of how it goes in the music industry - get signed, cut an album, watch it go from Platinum to Diamond-certified, go on tour, play shows, get adored, go backstage, do witchy shit...you get the drill. Q: As it has been discussed on the news; if your song was to be banned, do you think your writing--:"
A: (cuts interviewer off) I'm going to stop you there. No one is banning anything. So these hypothetical questions from magical fantasy unicorn land that you're concocting are really not valid. I really hate to be a bitch here, but I feel like more people are going to buy my single than boycott it, thanks mostly to your stupidity as an interviewer. Q: Some mothers have been quoted as saying you're a 'bad mother' for creating such a piece of music; and that you'd be harming your daughter by letting her listen to it in the future. What are your comments for them?
A: (laughs) Well, luckily for those clucking hens, I am Quetzalith's mother and I can teach her whatever I want. I can teach her to love her body and respect it and maintain that even if she wanted to pose topless for Playboy magazine, I would love her no less. Even though I think pornography is awful garbage and should be collected in total for a massive bonfire - I'd love more than to see it go, but I place my ideals of freedom higher than my person opinion. And I have some pretty far-reaching ideals on freedom. Just remember - we're all on this big, floating sphere together, brother. Kumbaya, peace and love, Namu Myōhō Renge Kyō......
Now, I'm sure most of you expected me to say, "Next question," or, "fuck off," but I am more than prepared to discuss my art whenever someone - fan or foe - wants to know. You can send your fanmail to P.O. Box 666, 24680 Front Street, Arcadia by way of the Doll.Q: Our last question tonight comes to your from a little girl, in the 3rd grade, who saw your picture in a magazine recently. She wanted to say : "You look like a real princess. When I grow up, I want to be just like you. What is your job? And what's your favorite flavor of ice cream?
Yours truly,
Gretchen Jaborra
A: My job is to inspire you, my new friend; and teach you, through my art, how to make your dreams come true. And my favorite ice cream flavor is none because I detest almost every type of food on this planet. I mostly survive on Buddhist chants, tarot card readings, smoothies, sunshine, Joey and my guitar. But please, baby girl, take my advice and eat your fruits and veggies so you can be big and strong someday.

i think my favorite part was when she said, "I really hate to be a bitch here, but...." um, no she didn't!!! there is 0% of her that cares about being a bitch. especially at that point. who in the hell came up with the idea that her single - which has yet to be released - will be banned?! that isn't even a thing anymore! besides, it's been marketed as an anti-rape song and the prom queens' album, GRRRL, plan to donate the proceeds to several women's charities. the latter was kept secret until their official contract with the record company was signed and as soon as kathleen could get to a reporter, she let the world know that she is here for women's (and drag queen's) rights and she's not going to be quiet. ever. 

i'd recommend either buying earplugs or buying a ticket for the front row of the latest installment of drama in the doll's life.

shady lake is finally out in theatres

doll goes to premiere in grimaldi with her the star of shady lake, bijoux boadicea; and her always stylish mate, angel astazia - but because she's now the drummer of kathleen's new band, the prom queens - you can call her "staz". 

our girl did the red carpet in classic form : champagne bottle in hand, the handful of pills she downed in the gravedigger right before her grand entrance; and ashing her cigarette on other movie stars. and by the time her majesty made it through the bevy of media, it was time for the main event : the movie we've all been waiting on. i feel like i have been waiting my whole life for the production of this goddamn pigfuck to get the show on the road. so, i don't even care about reviews, ratings or how much cashola the film is pulling in.....all the fans (myself included) truly care about is the flick!!! 

everyone who is anyone was at the premiere, eating popcorn and trying not to pee their panties when scene by scene, teen by teen was slashed down. at the end, our baby babble gave a lengthy speech  - seriously...someone pulled up the "wrap it up" tune from award shows - thanking the crowd and ushers brought in champagne. now, the old kathleen grace was more partial to whiskey-guzzling, pill-snorting, and ballet-slippers. thus, it is good to see she grew up and that she's still "got it" if you know what i mean. she's not going to end up a bag lady, on the streets, talking to herself about photoshoots, television appearances and muttering, "jimmy kiss, johnny kiss, joey kiss," over and over again. 

with that preface, please go shell out your hard-earned coins that you have stacked for this moment, smuggle in some candy and go to your nearest movie theatre to see what all the fuss was about. 

the doll's band to record first album

i know what you're thinking : the doll has a band? and the answer is yes, she does; and don't laugh, because she's probably going to strike punk rock gold.

resurrecting the riot grrrl era that kathleen - and most of her fanbase and target market - grew up in, our doll has recently taken a foray into the music industry; and with a beau like joey kiss, who can blame her? he has seen plenty of success with the indie-turned-label lost boys and those £20 baggies of heroin aren't buying themselves!! JK. 

this has all been industry buzz for months, but became official today when kathleen announced through an article in the pretty people club that she and her newly formed band, the prom queens, will begin recording at the end of the year for their first album. she was very clear that it will be all girls, no boys allowed and no, not even if they know the "secret password." and obviously the secret password is : doll, i'm holding...

she explained that the three other girls joining her will be from arcadia, cielo and grimaldi, respectively. kathleen also mentioned that she will be taking lead guitar and lead vocals (and lead drums, bass, keyboard, tambourine, french horn section...) and lest they have a death wish, shall no one try to upstage her!

all i'm thinking is : when did this bitch start taking guitar lessons? because i saw her at the freak fest and her shit wasn't even plugged in!
it was like the band just wanted her to feel special, so they handed her an acoustic guitar in front of half a million people. LOL. maybe that's all she needed to get the inspiration to record an album. maybe having joey kiss back in her pocket does too. who knows?! it's the doll! i can barely figure out my own thoughts, let alone what's going on in mind! 

joey trips over doll's eleganza

just tripping in general, really...

baby daddy kiss has always been a lumbering, clumsy clown and the other night, at the cielo-hosted music video awards, was no different.

after the two kisses left the arena, kathleen was still in her poofy real-life barbie gown and as they made their way to the car, joey tripped on her dress and literally landed in a dirty puddle. sopped it right up.

my black heart almost melted then and there after watching the paparazzi coverage, but the doll - ever full of grace - just grabbed his paw and helped his sorry ass in the gravedigger. ugh gross. she probably got some joey on her and will now have to burn that amazingly glam outfit.

later in the night, kathleen and joey sang at the riot house to "wake up or we break up", acoustically and brought the house down. everyone thought joey was going to propose...again...but luckily he kept it in his pants and is saving it most likely for some prime time special in which he gets paid lots of heroin dollars.

okay, i'm done.

needless to say, kathleen "the doll" and joey kiss are back together! hurrah. quetzy lux can now be raised under one roof! as opposed to several crackhouses throughout the tristate area. 

doll attends music awards show in cielo

joey confesses he's always been in love with her during speech

all the beautiful stars gathered tonight in cielo and the doll, naturally, was in attendance. her single "wake up or we break up" was nominated for several awards, including best new single, best music video, best female artist, etc. and of course she took a boatload of awards home! it's our girl, duh! 

but everyone already knew she would sweep the competition, so here's the juicy details on the show : kathleen arrived solo on the red carpet, late, and missed securing her first award; she was also missing from the front row for the first hour. seated in her section was caretaker ludo ludovic, wrangler headlock and an empty seat next to hers. everyone was obvi wondering who she would bring as her +1 and we were all left on the edge for the big reveal.

it came when none other than baby daddy joey kiss took the stage - looking quite dashing in a fitted tux and fresh greased back 'do - to deliver the final award of the night, dedicated to the doll herself, for best new female artist. what she really should have won was the award for best outfit of her entire life because she was giving us ball gown debutante eleganza realness and looked 10/10. she deserved a standing ovation just for her look and i'm dead serious. 

in his speech, joey began by how kathleen started as an artist and how she has remained true to her roots. he said, "she will always be the fanzine riot grrrl..." and went on to say how he constantly confides in her for artistic input on his own work. go figure. 

he wrapped it up by saying he has been "in love" with her since his early 20s, much to no one's surprise. then, as kathleen graced the stage in a frigging 90s-style prom-y ballgown to accept her award, the two embraced for a quick kiss on the lips and then she snatched the mic for her acceptance speech. i'm glad she took the microphone from him, because it truly felt moments away from a proposal. 

the two then sat down together for the rest of the show and acted like a junior high couple in a movie theatre on a saturday night. she wouldn't stop pawing him and he wouldn't stop kissing her neck and giving her hickeys. there should have been a camera just dedicated to their reindeer games. joey later changed from a tux into his typical uniform of skinny black jeans, leather jacket and a white tee for the after-party and the doll kept her gigantic prom dress on. the two literally looked straight out of an off, off, off broadway performance of grease and it was what i live for. they made an appearance at the riot house for a round of drinks and stayed long enough for kathleen to not only decorate the top shelf of the bar with one of her awards, but for her to give another speech as well. it was short and sweet and she said that she and joey had to depart to go check on quetzy, as uncle sodapop was the babysitter for the night, and we all know how that goes. 

all i can say is - fans and press alike are both remarking on how they've never seen our girl happier. go, girl - seek happy days through happy nights. or something like that. cue mic drop.

dear doll.....

come now, gather 'round, it's time yet again to read the doll's latest answers to the questions she constantly receives from fans...
one of my alltime favorite pieces of fanmail asked the doll : "are you just another average cielo airhead?" to which kathleen responded : "ABOVE AVERAGE." i'm dead. #coffin

Q: If you could appear on any popular television show, what would it be? A comedy? A drama? A reality series?
A: FORENSIC FILES or THE FIRST 48 or SNAPPED

Q: Why do people give a shit about you? You're some crazy, depressed, bleached-blonde piece of trash who constantly preaches about burning your bra and strapping on combat boots - what gives?
A: GRRRLS 2 THE FRONT
ALL BOYS BE COOL 4 ONCE IN UR LIVES

Q: This being an election year, who are you voting for?
A: do you know that more people do dope in this country than voted last time for president? THINK ABOUT IT.

Q: So...you're voting for dope?
A: THERE'S HOPE IN DOPE

Q: You've spoken about spearheading a "revolution" lately - can you give us any insight?
A: THE REVOLUTION MANIFEST : all women are invited - be it by birth, surgery or mentality - gays, transgenders, allies, etc. to join forces all over the world. firstly we will take over the media machine and slowly manipulate the straight masses via television, film, music, radio, publications, etc. so that when the time comes to ask those willing to step forward, there will be less of a struggle. our goal is to bring justice to all those who feel wronged, to liberate the opressed and to love the unloved. we will bring all of the fuckers, rapists, molestors and pigs of the world to their knees with our power and move forward to take over other solar systems.

Q: Is Joey going to be involved in this Revolution?
A: yes because someone has to babysit quetzy.
i mean joey jr.

Q: What do you love most about Joey Kiss?
A: i love his greasy hair, i love his leather jacket collection, i love his black skinny jeans and his leather boots; i love his sneer; i love his tattoos; i love the way he talks and laughs at my dumb jokes; i love the kid we made together; i love that he's like a studious, but alternative, tuff punk rock, rough and tumble type of guy. he's just my type of guy.

Q: How do you enjoy success as a multimillionaire writer, film producer and now singer?
A: I DON;T LMAO
I RLLY WISH I DIDN;T WAKE UP SOMEDAYS
SOMEDAYS R BETTER THAN OTHERS
BUT IT;S NICE
BETTER THAN UR LIFE
PRBLY
KILL ME

Q: What is your favorite book of all time?
A: please kill me.
also just 4 title.

Q: You are so fierce - a strong, single, independent woman and mother for many to look up to. How do you do it?
A: R U 4 REAL? i have a nanny, a driver, a caretaker, a security guard, a publicist for a brother and the father of my child is alive and well. a village is raising quetzy and you know it.

Q: Out of all the men you've been with - who was your favorite?
A: TOP 5 : jim beam
jack daniels
johnny red
johnny black
and jose cuervo
aka all my favorite men

Q: There's a longrunning rumour that you don't eat - what's your favorite food?
A: apples - because you can smoke weed out of them instead of eating them
putting the fun in functional since johnny appleseed

Q: But you do eat...right?
A: YEAH LOTS OF SHIT
AS A CELEBRITY LOL

Q: As a celebrity, what platform are you trying to represent to use your voice for change?
A: WHO SAID I HAVE 2 DO THAT
OR WANT TO
OR WILL

Q: Surely you know what you represent to the people - how do you plan to influence those who look up to you?
A: i would tell the youth of today : slack off. call in sick to work. smoke pot. drink booze. stop driving your car and get a skateboard. try peyote. you're going to die when you're like 70, so get it while you're young. smoke 'em while you got 'em. just don't be a fucker; be nice to those who deserve it and let the assholes of the world reap their sewn negativity. be cool.

Q: Has success changed you in any way?
A: absolutely not, i was born for this life

Q: You've been nominated for a music award in Cielo - are you surprised?
A: NO!!!!1! not even one iota!

Q: Who will be your +1?
A: UR MOM!

Q: How would you describe yourself?
A: blonde, writer, mother, avant garde artist...heartbreaker, blue-eyed, sometimes musician, arcadia high school's head cheerleader and homecoming queen

Q: As a writer, you surely have read plenty of books - which character from fiction do you identify most with?
A: HESTER PRYNNE

Q: I heard you only have two cameos in Shady Lake. Why?! We need more Doll!
A: I KNO UR TELLING ME BUT IF I;M ON SCREEN 2 LONG, I'LL BURN THRU AND COME GIT U

Q: You've been in the studio recently - what do you do to get in the zone?
A: i go in, drop a hit of acid, gargle some gin and tell everyone QUIET! THE ARTIST NEEDS QUIET
YOUR ARTIST IS ABOUT TO BLOW YOUR MIND
WITH HER GROWL DEEP DOWN

Q: I heard that you performed at the Riot House this summer, threw your guitar in the air - meaning to catch it - and it hit you in the face. Is that true?
A: heyyyy ohhhh heyyyy ohhhh now i'm still alive
KAT 1 / GUITAR 0

Q: Do you think you've lost your edge and that's why you're rumored to be branching to music?
A: ??????????? I AM OVER THE EDGE!!!!!!!!!
I AM THE EDGE...the edge of a few pills away from ending it all LMAO

Q: Was "I Want a Riot Grrrl, Not a Housewife" ever recorded?
A: no so here's part 1 of the remix : I;M HERE DOING DISHES
JUST RAN OUT OF SOAP
FUCK BEING A HOUSEWIFE
I'D RATHER GO DO DOPE

Q: Speaking of dope, did you really find needles in the diaper bag?
A: OH MY WORD HERE WE FUCKING GO AGAIN WITH THIS BULLSHIT

Q: Lots of fans say they witnessed Joey and the Lost Boys seemingly under the influence of heroin when they were on the road last...how do you feel about that?
A: WHO CARES
how do you feel about that?
did it bother you? huh? did it? did it bother you to hear your longtime friend, pal, buddy and boyfriend and father of your child was out on the road - vulnerable - with a pack of fucking junkies and the word around the campfire was that he was back on dope? how would you feel?
I;D FEEL PRETTY ROTTEN IF I WERE U
ASK ME HOW I KNO

Q: You should record with Joey! That way you can keep a better eye on him and make sure he doesn't get back into heroin. What do you think?
A: I THINK NO
my next move is to do a full-concept piece about the romance between adolf hitler and the polish marie walepska. joey's gonna play hitler and we're going dye his mustache with mascara. i'm going to play marie walepska. sodapop is going to be goebbles.

basically all i heard was : heroin, heroin, heroin, joey and more heroin. gulp.

the rohypnol doll

she's a prescription party sister

you know how pretty much everyone in the world is anti-date rape and pretty much therefore anti-date rape drugs? well, not the doll! even though she is a total riot grrrl and has been ever since she heard her first bikini kill song, she recently admitted to being prescribed rohypnol - AKA "roofies" - for her insomnia.

oh yeah, doll, insomnia *wink wink* i feel you.

so, pretty much when you ask the doll, "remember that one time...?" no, she doesn't - because she's been on prescription roofies for years!!

and no, memory loss is not a symptom of hanging 'round the kiss brothers since puberty, it is a common symptom with taking the drug over an extended period of time. 

you know, i have been saying for years that she must cast some kind of magic spell to get people to fall so hard for her....little did i know it wasn't magic and kathleen isn't half the witch i thought she was - it's all due to her being prescribed the good shit! joey kiss was probably a decent human being with a potentially bright future before he met her and she slipped him one of her magic pills...now he's just another cute junkie with good music taste in a leather jacket.