doll gives joey a christmas prezzy he'll never forget

 
 

future mrs. kiss ends christmas by throwing tree at baby daddy joey

i truly wish this story was a joke and out of some tabloid writer's pile of rejected work, but...sadly...it's not.

today, the owner of the super fancy and VIP only tropigala lounge in grimaldi phoned into the local newspaper's office and told them about christmas with the doll and how he even had the film to back up his wild tale.....

the owner said that right around three in the morning (with the bar closing at five), a very, very angry doll had headlock throw and hold the door open, so that she could drag in a disshelved christmas tree - most likely from the brisk walk there - and proceeded to throw it in joey's direction. most likely it was more kathleen dragging the tree sassily and plopping it somewhere near joey. come on guys, that must be a major exaggeration. she can barely lift her flip-phone (which she got from a 2003 time vault along with her signed album from coal chamber), let alone lift and throw a tree all by her lonesome. 

the owner commented that after our queen left in a huff - no mention of what choice words she had for joey - he picked up the tree, propped it up in a champagne bucket and plugged it in! he says he plans to keep it lit until may, because it's technically priceless now that the doll has her fingerprints on it. wow. 

otherwise, that's the christmas the doll had! sitting at home with the baby, looking out the window while joey got slammed at a nearby pub, until she strolled in and slammed the family christmas tree down right next to him and his tumbler of whiskey. classic.

doll does her witchy duty

 
 

warns isle of grimaldi locals about mercury retrograde

gotta love our girl! if it wasn't for her, half of the isle wouldn't know about the important astrological phenomenon that is mercury retrograde!

in fact, she took to the public radio this morning for a whole six hours to go on and on about this topic. it was on the level - it sounded like it was pulled from 1994, or the doll was high or both. she mentioned people watching shady lake on their VCRs, which i don't believe even exist anymore; and that she can't wait to do MTV's music video countdown show, TRL, which again, I don't believe exists anymore. everyone listening probably felt like they were also about to possibly win tickets to the blink 182 concert if they were caller #69. LOL. she was really giving us some good material. 

basically, it goes without saying that the doll is a little crazytown sometimes and she really doesn't care who knows. all she cares about is that people have their correct crystals and mojo rocks or whatever and their altars set up facing the northern moon of jupiter. also, don't forget to meet with your coven for a chant before the full moon so they can be extra powerful warlocks. and don't forget to do a line for every ring that the planet saturn has. which is how many lines the doll was on this morning. 

love her. she is so going to be in the next new sitcom reboot called : i dream of doll and it's going to be based off of her real life as a witch instead of a genie in a bottle. 

GRRRL

 
 

that's the only word you need to know!

kathleen released via the pretty people club today that her first album with the prom queens would be titled : GRRRL.

the doll has always been slow on the uptake and must not have realized that her album name was leaked months ago and we're all with the program. GRRRL sounds like it's going to be totes power. i feel it. i can't wait to put it on my stereo and annoy my neighbors. seriously.

i am so glad kathleen got a guitar. i'm just mad it took her so long, because you know her album will be full of shitty solos since she barely just learned what a chord is! you know, you would think with a musical genius fiancé like joey kiss, she would know at least a tab by now, but no such luck...

just kidding! the doll is a gift to the music industry and they should consider themselves lucky for her deciding to wail! her music should be shot into space for future generations to discover and worship. she is all of the rock gods from the 1970s rolled into a sparkly, angry, blonde wrecking ball. 

doll vows to remain totes riot grrrl

 
 

even as kathleen grace kiss

this is news we all totally saw coming - kathleen announced today not only her engagement, but that she personally asked joey to remove the word obeyi from their vows.
she deemed it "archaic, and not in a good way". LOL.
the standard vows read :


"i - whoever they are -take you to be my husband, to have and to hold
from this day forward;
for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health,
to love, cherish, and obey, till death us do part.”


the doll said, "i will not be obeying anyone, certainly joey; and so it will not be included in our vows." she then added, "but i will think about giving him less sass after i'm officially mrs. kiss." doubtful. and truly, i'd rather her up the sass factor. she's at a level six, i need her to at least bring it to a level 8.75 by the time her and joey are executing their rehearsal dinner.

doll goes on town meeting television programme

 
 

to defend the prom queens' single "let's go git raped"
 

last night, at 7 PM sharp, in the high school gymnasium of arcadia, a PTA meeting took place to brainstorm ideas how to get the doll's new song, "let's go git raped" yanked from radios before it's even recorded. the meeting was half townies and half kids that attended the high school; and at 7:21 PM sharp, kathleen and joey kiss came in and took seats next to the host of the meeting. and at 7:22 sharp, right on schedule, the press arrived to air the whole thing live.

kathleen appeared against a mother, whose agenda was to get the album pulled from local record stores - to which our girl had no opposition to a woman fighting for a cause. she also faced a teenager from the high school, who had created an anti-doll group and called her a "shameless slut," "talentless, bleached-blonde piece of trash," and my favorite, "an ugly lesbian." he truly saved the best for last. i wonder if he knows she's engaged to a man....OH AND THAT SHE'S MOST DEFINITELY 100% FOR SURE NOT UGLY. she's an angel descended from heaven and we are lucky to have her gracing the headlines on the daily. 

because the panel went for over three hours, and we don't have time for that, here's the TL; DR version of the doll vs. everyone else :

Q: Why such a scandalous title?
A: Why not? Who's going to stop me? Because if someone was to try, it'd definitely have to be someone with more balls than you, that's for damn sure. Q: Who is the song aimed towards? And in the same token, who is it sung for?
A: It is aimed against the straight, macho, Baywatch-watching mentality that we sadly have overpopulating the streets today. It is sung for myself, my daughter and the women who can't sing for themselves.Q: Let's say, for example, that the song is banned. What would you do in reaction, if anything?
A: No one can censor me. Period. End up. If, and only if my magical spells on the mass public falter, I will fight it until "Let's Go Git Raped" becomes our national fucking anthem.Q: "Let's Go Git Raped" is truly your darkest material as of yet. Any particular reason for the change in a more grungy sound?
A: i wanted to branch out the metal crowd so that they could become studious, alternative people and stop being long haired, satan-worshipping boys who needed to work less on changing their carburetors and more on fighting for their rights. And not to party. The Prom Queens aren't just for the women and drag queens, people.Q: Any plans to go on tour?
A: Um...yeah...that's kind of how it works. I almost am being bound and shackled like Cassiopeia in her chair to do so. That's kind of how it goes in the music industry - get signed, cut an album, watch it go from Platinum to Diamond-certified, go on tour, play shows, get adored, go backstage, do witchy shit...you get the drill. Q: As it has been discussed on the news; if your song was to be banned, do you think your writing--:"
A: (cuts interviewer off) I'm going to stop you there. No one is banning anything. So these hypothetical questions from magical fantasy unicorn land that you're concocting are really not valid. I really hate to be a bitch here, but I feel like more people are going to buy my single than boycott it, thanks mostly to your stupidity as an interviewer. Q: Some mothers have been quoted as saying you're a 'bad mother' for creating such a piece of music; and that you'd be harming your daughter by letting her listen to it in the future. What are your comments for them?
A: (laughs) Well, luckily for those clucking hens, I am Quetzalith's mother and I can teach her whatever I want. I can teach her to love her body and respect it and maintain that even if she wanted to pose topless for Playboy magazine, I would love her no less. Even though I think pornography is awful garbage and should be collected in total for a massive bonfire - I'd love more than to see it go, but I place my ideals of freedom higher than my person opinion. And I have some pretty far-reaching ideals on freedom. Just remember - we're all on this big, floating sphere together, brother. Kumbaya, peace and love, Namu Myōhō Renge Kyō......
Now, I'm sure most of you expected me to say, "Next question," or, "fuck off," but I am more than prepared to discuss my art whenever someone - fan or foe - wants to know. You can send your fanmail to P.O. Box 666, 24680 Front Street, Arcadia by way of the Doll.Q: Our last question tonight comes to your from a little girl, in the 3rd grade, who saw your picture in a magazine recently. She wanted to say : "You look like a real princess. When I grow up, I want to be just like you. What is your job? And what's your favorite flavor of ice cream?
Yours truly,
Gretchen Jaborra

A: My job is to inspire you, my new friend; and teach you, through my art, how to make your dreams come true. And my favorite ice cream flavor is none because I detest almost every type of food on this planet. I mostly survive on Buddhist chants, tarot card readings, smoothies, sunshine, Joey and my guitar. But please, baby girl, take my advice and eat your fruits and veggies so you can be big and strong someday.


i think my favorite part was when she said, "I really hate to be a bitch here, but...." um, no she didn't!!! there is 0% of her that cares about being a bitch. especially at that point. who in the hell came up with the idea that her single - which has yet to be released - will be banned?! that isn't even a thing anymore! besides, it's been marketed as an anti-rape song and the prom queens' album, GRRRL, plan to donate the proceeds to several women's charities. the latter was kept secret until their official contract with the record company was signed and as soon as kathleen could get to a reporter, she let the world know that she is here for women's (and drag queen's) rights and she's not going to be quiet. ever. 

i'd recommend either buying earplugs or buying a ticket for the front row of the latest installment of drama in the doll's life.

lumberjack kiss and his future bride celebrate thanksgiving

 
 

at the arcadian riot house

kathleen and joey are busy planning their wedding, but never too busy for a party! instead of having a getty with their families or hosting a big dinner for friends, they opted to have a dinner for both at the riot house in arcadia.

the kisses have been holed up in monticello, putting the finishing touches on their latest real estate purchase : the cabin joey built for kathleen as an engagement gift. or engagement bribe, depending on which school of thought you subscribe to. 

"the log house", as it's been called by the locals for years, isn't really a cabin...it's more of a love project in the middle of nowhere, on a lake, located in a county where it's legal to shoot anybody on your front lawn, be it gas, liquid or solid. so, it's basically the end-all of doll homes and could possibly double as an off-the-grid hideout in case kathleen decides to go unibomber on everyone. it's totes probably, now that she's getting old and bitter. aka nearing 30.

a lot of word is going around, mostly saying the engagement and/or marriage will never work, considering joey and kathleen have been on and off since they got together! so, it makes sense that the shack's paint is just now drying. bless him, though. joey made her an IOU and actually followed through.

it's come out that he oversaw the construction of the cabin and even spent three months in monticello aiding the construction. again, with paparazzi posted up outside of his home, i really don't see how he vanished into thin air. and, don't assume he wasn't sitting by the campfire, shooting up and yelling at workers that they missed a spot. oh no - he was there, in the trenches, putting up sheetrock and wearing a hardhat. or what have you. 

but decorating a new cabin and building fires in the stove can wait, because it's thanksgiving! kathleen and joey ditched monticello and hauled their cookies to arcadia for the night to spend it with about 300 of their closest mates. the riot house served up dinner - they even broke out the fancy shit - and then afterward kathleen played an acoustic set with joey. quetzy ran around the stage being cute. all in all, it was good times. kathleen also bore no signs of a baby bump, but was not seen drinking. knowing how much she loves to mess with the press, it wouldn't surprise me if she was sneaking hits of whiskey off her flask in the bathroom or something. 

doll may have a case of the babies

 
 

again............

i am very much wanting to drain the last dollars of my bank account to send kathleen a pregnancy test, because rumor has it she is pregnant again! ugh, this is so 2009 or whatever. of course, as the gods would have it, she's never going to have a white wedding, only instead a shotgun bride. LOL. 
kathleen and joey have been back together for five seconds and although i can swallow them resuming their engagement, i don't know if i can handle this news! the latest headlines in grimaldi are : KATHLEEN RETURNS FROM MONTICELLO WITH BABY BUMP - DOLL'S CAMP NO COMMENT ON BABY #2.
do my eyes decieve me?! baby #2?????????? 
i think this might be a ploy to get attention, but i don't see kathleen's #1 press agent sodapop anywhere in the article, so i can't really tell you if it's true or not. maybe reporters confused him with tricky questioning again. all i know is, baby #1 isn't even done feeding off of the doll's breasts, so how is our girl supposed to make room for baby #2??? i am just confused, intrigued and literally on the edge of my seat for more. 
in a way, i do hope she has a case of the babies and keeps coming down with it. she can then turn the coco cave into the coco family compound and literally become a live-in riot grrrl housewife hybrid. the doll can spend more time planning her revolution from the inside-out, where her children grow up within the highest ranks of society and bring it down  à la fight club. 
the only thing i can say is, in the most recent feature interview in the pretty people club, kathleen was quoted as saying :


"you've got the first scoop," she says, eyeballing ME, "i quit. i'm moving to a cabin in monticello with my babies and there i will be a bride." 


gulp. maybe she'll have a boy who will grow up super gay and she can put him in drag by his fifth birthday. #goals 

the wedding of the century is about to be on and popping!

 
 

joey pops the question...again!

it recently came out in the hep parade true isle of grimaldi story that when joey asked kathleen to marry him the first time, it was not as champagne-popping of a moment, like we all thought. instead, it was more of a little house on the prairie-type deal...

now, since we all know remember what happened like it was yesterday : joey broke her heart and started dating heroin; she ran around, doing her single thing and then they got back together again like nothing happened. we all also know that this cabin in the woods is totes a great idea, but the paparazzi know his every move and let's be real - joey hasn't been photographed building a goddamn thing.

but, somehow her did!

this weekend, joey took kathleen on a surprise motorbike journey to monticello...again...and on the other side of a small lake, was a small cabin, basically screaming marry me kathleen!

joey - right on cue - told her that this was all hers, should she choose to accept joey kiss as her husband forever and ever. to sweeten the deal, there was even a rocking chair in the front and a hound dog for effect, blah blah blah...you know where this is going...
needless to say, our girl said yes, and once again is she engaged to be mrs. kiss. awwww. cue the doves and the harps and cupid fluttering around. how sweet. maybe there is hope for us single losers out there.

the happy couple has obviously been unavailable for comments, concerns or congratulations because they are either too busy doing it or too busy doing it. so don't ask!

doll goes to big gay halloween ball at the riot house

 
 

takes joey kiss as her plus one, instead of an eight-ball like she probably wanted

and yes, joey does clean up quite well. i'm slowly working my way back into his corner.

kathleen arrived with a fleet of drag queens, did several interviews on the rainbow carpet about how gays will soon rule the earth and was basically the sparkly fairy of the night. she had several outfit changes, but my favorite look was the number she wore at the after-party. adjusting her halo and like she just stepped off a cloud from heaven, she donned a semi-sun, statue of liberty-esque golden crown. she wore a glittering skintight, flesh-colored dress with a goddess-like, indian-inspired ghoonghat atop her crown, draping down over her shoulders. 

  1. kiss yet again looked like he had escaped live from the filming of grease 3 in full costume during the prom scene; but, it was working for him and i applaud his efforts. it is the second time in the history of joey kiss - the first being at the premiere of HEP! - where he looked 75% of decent and i'm very proud. however, i do believe that the reason behind that comes from his raggedy, gutter-inspired rags that he wore at the DIG! premiere and didn't want to be confused for a hobo again.

as for the benefit - it was not just an excuse to put on a costume and do drugs. tickets began at £1,000! there was also a silent auction going on in the beginning of the night, as well as a scholarship giveaway. in all, the event raised £250,000 and the funds will be divided among LGBT centers in arcadia, cielo and the isle of grimaldi.
during her last speech of the night, she thanked the LGBT community (duh) for being a large part of her life - hello! our girl's life is the gays. she has makeup artists, stylists, quetzy's nanny and basically every staff member at the riot house on her team, as well as countless other queens! she also described how she always felt more accepted by the gays than the straighties, which makes complete sense because straight men suck. straight males only utilize 2% of their pea brains. gays, trannies and lesbians are all known to be on the upper echelon of society's VIP list and you don't need to be stephen hawking to figure that one out!

in all, the doll can now fly a rainbow flag - not just her freak flag.

shady lake is finally out in theatres

 
 

doll goes to premiere in grimaldi with her the star of shady lake, bijoux boadicea; and her always stylish mate, angel astazia - but because she's now the drummer of kathleen's new band, the prom queens - you can call her "staz". 

our girl did the red carpet in classic form : champagne bottle in hand, the handful of pills she downed in the gravedigger right before her grand entrance; and ashing her cigarette on other movie stars. and by the time her majesty made it through the bevy of media, it was time for the main event : the movie we've all been waiting on. i feel like i have been waiting my whole life for the production of this goddamn pigfuck to get the show on the road. so, i don't even care about reviews, ratings or how much cashola the film is pulling in.....all the fans (myself included) truly care about is the flick!!! 

everyone who is anyone was at the premiere, eating popcorn and trying not to pee their panties when scene by scene, teen by teen was slashed down. at the end, our baby babble gave a lengthy speech  - seriously...someone pulled up the "wrap it up" tune from award shows - thanking the crowd and ushers brought in champagne. now, the old kathleen grace was more partial to whiskey-guzzling, pill-snorting, and ballet-slippers. thus, it is good to see she grew up and that she's still "got it" if you know what i mean. she's not going to end up a bag lady, on the streets, talking to herself about photoshoots, television appearances and muttering, "jimmy kiss, johnny kiss, joey kiss," over and over again. 

with that preface, please go shell out your hard-earned coins that you have stacked for this moment, smuggle in some candy and go to your nearest movie theatre to see what all the fuss was about. 

happy birthday quetzy lux!

 
 

she's only two, but her net worth is more than yours! guaranteed! 

imagine : three years ago, she wasn't even a twinkle in joey's eye. now, she's a snotgobbling reality. and her diaper bag is always a surefire and convenient place to hide heroin dingers. 

okay, enough with the jokes. it really is nice to see mama and papa kiss back together again and celebrating the life of their adorable baby. for reals. just think...not less than 10 years ago, our girl the doll was running around naked, inciting riots and snorting cocaine...now she's all grown up, with a kid and a house with a three-car garage. still running around naked, however. but otherwise living the true american dream.
as for joey...well, i have my fingers crossed for him, but i am not holding my breath anymore! been there, done that, went to rehab. LOL. 

doll to release "let's go git raped"

 
 

*gulps*

say hello to the prom queens : an all girl band, straight from the doll's collection of hangers-on over the years...
there is kathleen on lead vocals and guitar - is there any other way? - angel astazia on drums, some hippy brunette on bass and a grungy freckly girl on backup guitar and secondary vocals. angel previously helped our girl with her "wake up or we break up", which saw immediate success online, in stores and overseas. released through the independent hep parade studios, kathleen was approached soon thereafter by several major labels to record an album. her answer was obviously, "yasssss! duh! shut up and give me all your money!" 

so, today, outside of the pretty people club offices in grimaldi, she told reporters more about the formation of the prom queens and that they'll soon be recording their first single : "let's go git raped." 
......let it sink in. it's very ambitious. let's just leave it at that.
but kathleen didn't leave it at that! the next thing out of her mouth was - and this is a direct quote from joey kiss when the lost boys were dealing with the "touch me, i'm prick" backlash - "it's such an anti - let me say that again - anti-rape song, that i'm not even going to go into it. i'm just tired of people dissecting me; my art, my writing. and i'll be damned if they do it to my music." aw. so punk. sid vicious, joe strummer and joey ramone are all taking shots in her honor tonight in rock 'n' roll heaven.
i'm totes expecting the prom queens' first album to top the charts, even though she truly has no musical experience or can even carry a tune, from the general word around the campfire these days. her talent is to be discussed at another time...
also her PR team must be doing boatloads of xanax...

the doll's band to record first album

 
 

i know what you're thinking : the doll has a band? and the answer is yes, she does; and don't laugh, because she's probably going to strike punk rock gold.

resurrecting the riot grrrl era that kathleen - and most of her fanbase and target market - grew up in, our doll has recently taken a foray into the music industry; and with a beau like joey kiss, who can blame her? he has seen plenty of success with the indie-turned-label lost boys and those £20 baggies of heroin aren't buying themselves!! JK. 

this has all been industry buzz for months, but became official today when kathleen announced through an article in the pretty people club that she and her newly formed band, the prom queens, will begin recording at the end of the year for their first album. she was very clear that it will be all girls, no boys allowed and no, not even if they know the "secret password." and obviously the secret password is : doll, i'm holding...

she explained that the three other girls joining her will be from arcadia, cielo and grimaldi, respectively. kathleen also mentioned that she will be taking lead guitar and lead vocals (and lead drums, bass, keyboard, tambourine, french horn section...) and lest they have a death wish, shall no one try to upstage her!

all i'm thinking is : when did this bitch start taking guitar lessons? because i saw her at the freak fest and her shit wasn't even plugged in!
it was like the band just wanted her to feel special, so they handed her an acoustic guitar in front of half a million people. LOL. maybe that's all she needed to get the inspiration to record an album. maybe having joey kiss back in her pocket does too. who knows?! it's the doll! i can barely figure out my own thoughts, let alone what's going on in mind! 

the doll wants to boogie with you!

 
 

kathleen has been a writer for as long as we all can remember; a riot grrrl, a mother, a singer, a hotelier...and now you can add activist and philanthrapist to the list! our girl is currently calling for everyone and their gay power bottom brother or boysbian chapstick lesbian sister to buy a ticket to her masquerade ball that she is holding in benefit of her hometown arcadian LGBT chapter.  

the ball will be held on halloween - of course, every gay's favorite holiday because it involves both drinking and costumes! - in the riot house gardens and ballroom - duh - and tickets are rumored to begin at a whopping $5,000 per person. and no, this is not a drill and your eyes do not deceive thee....the price to get in the door truly is as steep as four of my paychecks...i mean, for real doll? you know above average fans like myself can barely afford to feed ourselves sometimes! no way, josé! i cannot afford your upper-echelon shit and am not willing to empty my life savings, just saying...

however, many are tripping over themselves to do just that and the word around the campfire is that there's only 100 tickets left. c'mon, people! this is for the gays! write that check for fire island and cher and sequins! let your inner diva guide you....

anyways, i don't care about whatever the doll has planned for her big gay ball - all i care about is THE OUTFITSSSSS!!! THE LOOKSSSS!!! THE WARDROBE, DAAARLING!! i am going to be living for whatever the hell she wears on that rainbow carpet! also expecting lots of drag realness and dusty older uppity old ass queens flaunting their vintage, studio 54 gay chic halston action. 

see you on october 31! if i win the lottery, i'll be at the doll's table, in a concept look, queening out...

the hep parade true isle of grimaldi story

 
 

"You can't talk about the Doll without talking about Arcadia. She has so much history there. Those are her stomping grounds. She will always come back home to Arcadia..."
coverage on Kathleen "the Doll" Grace's move to the Isle of Grimaldi, as in the Dailies

"I remember, when she was about 15, she used to Xerox copies of her work and hide them all over town : grocery stores, the post office, the library; I even found one of her pieces in the bathroom at a local Planned Parenthood. I had the biggest crush on her. She was well punk."
Joey Kiss, artist, member of the Lost Boys punk band, brother to Jimmy Kiss; boyfriend and father to Kathleen's child, Quetzy Lux

"It's good that she found Joey. He seems to me to know how to make her happiest."
Jimmy Kiss, photographer; ex-boyfriend

"She would always bitch and moan that no man could handle her mouth and they couldn't handle her thoughts. She was too cool for all of them. She was too sexy, too much of a conquest - no one could believe what would come out when she would speak."
Sodapop Cola, Kathleen's brother

"Growing up, I felt like a reawakened Hester Prynne. I was always so bad; badder than the rest of the girls, and even some of the boys!"
Kathleen, the Doll

"Every boyfriend she ever had tripped over himself to get to her. She could care less. She's kind of a head-in-the-clouds type...on her own planet, I guess."
Sodapop Cola, brother

"She told me that since she hit puberty, she's never had a guy that wanted to be her buddy, her pal. They always wanted something from her. Not her love - just her potential."
Ludo Ludovic, caretaker

"I got arrested on the first date I ever took her on, so.....I don't think that counts."
Joey Kiss

"I couldn't believe this girl wanted me. She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I thought I'd die before letting her go."
Jimmy Kiss

"When I asked her to marry me, I took her to Monticello, where she grew up as a child, deep into the woods. I took her to a small plot that I purchased, with an advance from the record company. I told her that if she married me, someday I would build her a house here to recede in repose in her old age; and that I too would be there, with a hound dog, and a shotgun, on the front porch, by her side. The only thing she asked me was if we could have a baby. I told her, 'I don't even have to think twice about it,' and she took one look at this mug, thought about how beautiful our snotgobblers were gonna be and told me to put that ring on her finger."
Joey Kiss

"Joey's the only one who has seen me without fake eyelashes on and hasn't ran for the hills...so, I guess that's real love, right?"
Kathleen, the Doll

"All I know is - my little brother called me up and was screaming, 'She said yes! She said yes!' And I knew I'd lost her for good."
Jimmy Kiss

"What people don't know is : when Joey and I were 15 years old, we made a pact to be married. We signed it in Nag Champa incense, French kisses and clove cigarettes."
Kathleen, the Doll

"I might have known it, and I would come to break her heart...I killed the bird that made the breeze to blow."
Joey Kiss

"And I had done a hellish thing, 
And it would work 'em woe: 
For all averred, I had killed the bird
That made the breeze to blow. 
Ah wretch! said they, the bird to slay, 
That made the breeze to blow! 

...

Down dropt the breeze, the sails dropt down, 
'Twas sad as sad could be; 
And we did speak only to break
The silence of the sea! 

All in a hot and copper sky, 
The bloody Sun, at noon, 
Right up above the mast did stand, 
No bigger than the Moon. 

Day after day, day after day, 
We stuck, nor breath nor motion; 
As idle as a painted ship
Upon a painted ocean. 

Water, water, every where, 
And all the boards did shrink; 
Water, water, every where, 
Nor any drop to drink."

Samuel Coleridge Taylor, the Rime of the Ancient Mariner


"It was no fun, no fun at all being all alone and lonely. I was as sad as sad could be. Wait...I think that's already been said..."
Kathleen, the Doll

"Joey has an affinity to self-sabotage. He's a mad genius; he always has been. When he told me he dumped her...I just couldn't believe it. She loved him with her whole heart and he smashed it to smithereens."
Jimmy Kiss

"So, to get her back, he wrote her a love song. She had always asked him to write one, but he didn't think he had it in him. He's a punk, he feels he has to stay punk, you know? Gotta think of the spirit of Darby Crash and all that."
Jimmy Kiss

"He came over, played me a tune on his guitar and that was that; it was a wrap. You might as well call me Kathleen Grace Kiss."
Kathleen, the Doll

"I never thought that the girl I met as a teenager would eventually be the mother of my beautiful daughter. My beautiful daughter with the acid trip phone book name."
Joey Kiss, father of Quetzalith Lux Buuski Honeyblossum Grace-Kiss

"And we thought she would be blessed with 1,000 sons; but Quetzalith would be her mother's daughter."
Johnny Headlock, manager and wrangler

"Her name is very deep and very meaningful and if you want to know, you can lurk harder."
Kathleen Grace, the Doll, mother of 'Quetzy' Lux

"I nicknamed her Joey Jr.; because when she was born, we flipped a coin on who got to name her and needless to say, I lost the coin toss."
Joey Kiss

"As her godmother, I have seen my share of Doll antics. I personally would put up more shit from that Kathleen than anyone else. I don't know how Joey does it some days."
Angel Astazia, member of the Doll-founded band, the Prom Queens

"He was always in love with her. From the moment she crossed his path. You know, I should have known - when we were kids, we watched Peter Pan, every day, over and over again. And he would only smile when Tinkerbell was on the screen. I didn't think about it 'till I was older, but he's a total dope for blondes. I just didn't know he'd be a dope for my blonde."
Jimmy Kiss, Joey Kiss' older brother

"Where she ends, he begins. They are very much soul mates and they are very much in love."
Ludo Ludovic, caretaker and longtime friend of the Doll

"He plays his guitar too loud and wakes the baby; he wears his boots in the house and snores like a grizzly bear, but that's my Joey." Kathleen, the Doll"She really can do no wrong in my book."
Joey Kiss

"He has a book? That's my thing!"
Kathleen, the Doll

"She had her baby and faded totally from the parties, the gigs and the shows. And it's okay. We know she's home breastfeeding and changing diapers and shaking the rattle."
Freddy the Freeloader, original Lost Boy

"Quetzy has tamed her. Not Jimmy; not Joey."
Headlock, manager and wrangler

"She's really a simple creature - she likes to write, drink, eat, shit and bone. She's always home. She's uncool."
Jimmy Kiss, ex-boyfriend

"I like living with her because she always has a car for me to borrow."
Sodapop Cola

"Sodapop used up all the daytime minutes, eats all of my candy and hogs the remote, but he's family."
Kathleen, the Doll

"Sodapop gets a bad rep in the press, but he's not all that bad. He just loves to gossip. And getting his picture taken. And seeing his name in the papers. He's famous for free."
Jimmy Kiss

"He sure has loose lips, but that's my old lady's brother. I can't really shut him up, but I can punch him in the schnoz if he steps out of line."
Joey Kiss

"Sometimes I can't believe those two are related. Miss I-Work-In-My-Sleep and her brother, Mr. I-Ain't-Got-A-Job - the apple doesn't fall far from the tree in that family, let me tell you."
Headlock, manager and wrangler

"She's a machine : Kathleen has taken over the world of magazines, books, fashion, film, television, radio and now she is honing her musical grip on the industry, as she has in so many others. 'Wake Up or We Break Up' is just the beginning, I'm telling you..."
Sodapop Cola

"She asked for a guitar for her birthday and I knew it was all downhill from there."
Joey Kiss

"I recorded 'Wake Up or We Break Up' with no help; no vocal coaching and no guitar lessons, thank you very much."
the Doll

"She wasn't really good at first - oh, who am I kidding? She still isn't very good by any rock 'n' roll standards, but she sure looks pretty as hell holding that guitar."
Jimmy Kiss, ex-boyfriend

"Can I play? No. Can I wail? Yes."
Kathleen Grace, the Doll

"She found three of the scariest girls in Arcadia, Cielo and Grimaldi and formed the Prom Queens. These girls are the stuff of nightmares - mothers should lock up their sons!"
Angel Astazia

"Her voice sounds like she chainsmoked a pack of Lucky Strikes and guzzled Jack Daniels before stepping behind the microphone, but I'm just sure angels join in when she sings."
Loyal, Lost Boy

"I think people like to watch her wiggle across the stage and writhe on the ground with her guitar. I think she has a throaty, sexy voice full of passion and grit; and it makes my pants tight. That's just my two cents on the esoteric doctrine she preaches and the popularity in her band."
Jimmy Kiss

“She came into my office and asked if she could have a record deal. I didn't know if she was lit or joking or what. I don't even think she's had proper guitar lessons. But I'm no fool - I signed her on the spot."
Sammy "Third Degree" Burns, owner of Hep Parade Magazine; co-owner of Arcadian and Cielan Riot Houses

"I don't know how to top myself - as an international fame monger and media whore; why, I'm so psycho, I'd do just about anything! Just challenge me!"
Kathleen Grace, the Doll

"She is the greatest archetype. She cannot be duplicated and is ever-changing. There has never been anyone like her before and there will not be another hence..."
coverage of her labor and birth of Quetzy, as reported in the Dailies"

I am not your conquest; I am not your piece of meat. I am not your God; I am me."
Kathleen, the Doll

the kisses are a happy family

 
 


"...daddy's telling lies
baby's eating flies
mommy's on pills
baby's got the chills

we're a happy family

i'm friends with the president
i'm friends with the pope
we're all making a fortune
selling daddy's dope

we're a happy family..."


-the ramones, rocket to russia, 1977

 


kathleen is in the front yard, chasing her daughter quetzalith around the small garden of sunflowers, tomatoes and herbs. joey kiss is smoking a cigarette by the pool with kathleen’s infamously loudmouthed brother, sodapop cola, chatting about being in the studio. caretaker ludo ludovic is rolling up a doobie while quetzy's godfather headlock gives joey's motorcycle a tune-up by the garage nearby. in the foreground them, a massive mansion stands : foreboding and inviting all at the same time. it is nonetheless luxurious, a portent of her 'it girl' lifestyle. 
in essence, kathleen's cocoanut gables chateau is about as doll as it gets; what with joey kiss and baby quetzalith in tow as well, it is surely the home of one happy family.

 

for the last few months, kathleen, her daughter quetzalith lux and her longtime boyfriend - as well as on-again, off-again fiancé - joey kiss; her camp - makeup artist, PR agent, manager, wrangler, the list goes on... -  have been residing at 261 cocoanut gables lane on the isle of grimaldi, in a super duper exclusive neighborhood, in a gallant, barbie-dream-house-but-in-reality-style home, ironically nicknamed 'the coco cave', thought, to say in the absolute least, a cave is it not. 
the coatroom, which ingresses past the front doors of the house, is wallpapered in an antiqued eggshell blue, with a chair rail molding throughout. vintage embroidered pieces (with quotes like 'easy come, easy go' and 'it's been swell, but the swelling's gone down') dot the walls; a very costly and very delicate set of chandeliers command the ceiling. in between the two coat-racks, beside a comfy leather sitting chair and adjacent table, is a towering gilded mirror. it's very reminiscent of the sculptural work, the gates of hell, by rodin. the columns supporting the floor-to-ceiling piece are decorated with different plaster casts and reek of what many call 'doll symbolism' : angels, babies, sacred hearts, birds, flowers, blood, seashells, snakes, hindu, egyptian and greek goddesses, and so forth.
at the top, and the largest, perches a fair-haired naked woman with a piercing gaze. her expression, perhaps caught painfully in deep thought, perhaps caught in a moment of much-needed repose; is adorned with haunting eyes that follow those in the room, no matter which whey they step. 
the mirror, and the room itself, has been nicknamed 'the gateway,' by guests - perchance because it's the first room one sees after entering, or possibly due to the cabalistic connections those before have made. despite the knowledge that the coco cave's revolving door hasn't even been operating for an entire year yet, the house already has a reputation. the tabloids run a weekly party report and the jist is : anybody who figures themselves a somebody hasn't lived life without doing drugs at the doll's and staring in her giant mirror to see their future. this idle talk is notwithstanding the many years kathleen has been said to be a witch. however, before exiting the room and dimming the light, she leans in and whispers that the mirror was bought - thanks to her negotiating skills - off the wall of a famous french museum. "there's no spell on the mirror, darling," she says in her soft, breathy voice, "that's just what i tell drunk people to have a laugh!" if that's a fact, then it most likely occured during an esoteric doctrine lesson taught by kathleen herself, no less...
in the hallway, leading to the living room, are several large porcelain vases - with motifs beckoning to the art deco era - billowing with fresh roses. in the papers, this room is described as 'the rose room,' although that too would be another misprint, as it is more of a solarium than a room and does not just contain roses.
kathleen paws at a tender-looking purple orchid as she makes her way through the space and remarks that joey was recently given a recording advance, of which he used some of it to buy her a flower field in the netherlands. "every day, a dozen flowers are delivered. every day, i find another alcove to stash them in." later she tells me that on sundays, she collects several bunches and in a basket that says nothing other than : STOP! PLEASE SMELL ME + GIVE 2 YOUR LOVED ONES, kathleen leaves them outside her gates for the public. although it is doubtful that a belle à la beauty and the beast is one of the average types to stumble upon said basket, it's more likely a crazed fan or one of grimaldi's local homeless benefits from the doll's charity. still, the gesture stands. 
in the next room - the living room and the adjacent grand parlor - high ceilings - painted to high heaven with a renaissance-inspired fresco - give way to large bay windows that overlook the ocean below. 
there's a music studio for joey to record, a suite dedicated to the couple's priceless guitar collection - one left-handed stratocaster, belonging to kurt cobain, was given to kathleen as bithday gift years ago - there is a wing for quetzy - including a full-scale replica teepee - and, of course, a sweeping library for kathleen's books. the library itself is over three floors, with working elevator, and is completely enclosed in glass within the mansion, to further protect the rare titles that have been accumulated. 
there's also a plush indoor movie theatre, a mini ballroom for hosting parties - which screams gone with the wind, as the lead architect suggested a second kitchen around the corner from the ballroom, to make service for guests more timely; not to mention, the aptly named coco cave is so all-encompassing that a full tour is over three miles. 
the cherry on top for a first-time experience comes at the end and is a climax well worth the wait. after a series of twists and turns in the east wing, a cellar door hides behind a walk-in closet and leads to an underground tunnel. rather than a panic room, kathleen has a foolproof escape route. once in the tunnel, after navigating through a dummy maze, there are one of two paths that can be utilized. the first leads to a trapdoor in the floor of kathleen's four-car garage, on the edge of the property; the second leads to a nearby undisclosed location, obviously undisclosed to keep kathleen safe in the event of an actual emergency. naturally, as it has the doll's stamp on it, the estate is more than a just fortress; it's more than a mansion. "it is where quetzy will be raised and it will one day be her inheritance," joey kiss mused. "it is everything kathleen has ever worked for. she never has to leave."

 
 

once she stops 'casing the joint,' as joey noted, a typical nervous behavior of kathleen's, her first question, though in a mockingly growling voice, is, "whaddya want to know?" 
at first, she appears to be on drugs, but that might be her reputation proceeding her. she is dressed in an ill-fitting babydoll top that hangs off of her like a sack. she has on tattered rags that barely fit and also barely pass as denim jeans. they are held together with a tangled web of buttons and patches - not for fashion, but out of necessity. well punk. her wild blonde tendrils are pulled back haphazardly with a 90s-looking clip and, due to the cut and sheerness of the blouse, exposes what look like minor scrapes and bruises - potentially from a all-night pub-crawl on grimaldi's high street. and with her correct depiction duly inscribed here, there is one shining aspect that is absolutely necessary to mention : despite her off-putting ambiance, she is a very sunshiney character and talkative girl, just brimming with the next story for her audience. 
she plops down on a large sofa, across from joey, who is on the floor, amid a pile of scattered records and old rock magazines, playing his guitar. he is dressed in ratty denim jeans that cling to his body and an equally as ratty white tee-shirt that also seems to cling to him. his once famous bleached-blonde quaff is now a dirty blonde pile of hair that hangs over his face as he leans over his archive of inspiration. he looks weak; almost defeated. of course, in comparison between an ethereal, encouraging sprite and someone who truly could pass for a kurt cobain understudy, the differences are palpable.
"we love it here," kathleen says, outstretching her arms, like a lackadaisical kitten after an afternoon nap in a sun-lit windowsill. "don't we, baby?" she nudges joey who, up until this point, seemed to be nodding off. 
he rouses, "yup, perfect for me, you and joey jr." he is, of course, referring to their offspring, quetzalith lux (büüski honeyblossum zarathustra) grace-kiss. known for her puzzling name, joey remarked that he calls her 'joey jr.' instead of, "rattling off an entire phone book every time i need to get my kid's attention." 
she looks at him, rolls her eyes and pokes jestingly, "oh, i'm sorry - all apologies." without missing a beat, he picks up his guitar and begins strumming the aforementioned song flawlessly. 
kathleen doesn't sit still for long and leaves the room to track down her harem of servants to prepare a pot of tea; then loses interest and returns to fawn over joey, who seems to be more interested in writing music. he doesn't stir upon her entry, but he does dazedly finger-pick his guitar a few more times, playing the role of the strung-out rockstar a little too convincingly. before falling completely head-over-feet into his mystique, he straightens up and begins asking kathleen a barrage of detailed questions from a production standpoint, concerning mostly the logistics of an upcoming acoustic show. and, like that, it's as if the shaky substitute for a man was never in the room. 
"i don't want the lost boys involved one iota - you got that? they can't make a decision to save their lives..." kathleen instructs joey in a firm voice. he then shows her several magazine clippings - all of funerals - completely not disconcerted by her incessant demands not mere moments prior. 
joey points to a small column on victorian funerals, "i really like the lilies they used here - very drape-y, almost melancholy." he pauses, as if he's said something stupid and knows he's going to be shamed. "i mean, not to use such a bleak, colloquial....archaic....drag of a word." he laughs at his vocabulary, shakes his head and keeps thumbing through the pages. 
"you are sure putting a lot of thought into this, baby," she says, and comes within millimeters of brushing him off; and then changes her tune, "i think if you go with lilies, you should have taper candles coming out of wine bottles too. all waxy and drippy-trippy-like. it'll really help create the mood."
"what mood?" joey looks to her with a blank, clueless expression..
she furrows her brow, looking down at the pile of - in all, mostly funeral - photographs and magazine clippings. "you're joking, right?" and then raises her eyebrow with a conviction that could boil water. she doesn't need to say the joke is over - her proper tone is plenty enough. at this point, she is standing over him, somewhat massaging his shoulders, but more so asserting her dominance and affirms : "these are not photos of sunflowers and a spring meadow, baby. this is very deep, like one-pill-a-way-from-ending-it-all deep. come on, use your brain, sweet pea. be serious for once in your life. your fans aren't mall-going, teeny-boppers - your fans have a little more...grit to their personality." as the story would go, joey knows all too well about grit - he has attempted suicide multiple times and recently just did a stint in rehab for heroin use.
the words, still afresh from the doll's cherubic lips, sting and float in the air, almost unnoticed. until joey says, "i like it. that's almost the exact psychological aspect on the popularity of the band."
kathleen breaks her blue-eyed lock on him for a moment to stare longingly out the window. possibly to gain composure and keep herself from committing bodily harm to her other half; possibly to slowly and quietly contemplate her next choice words. she then retorts slickly, "so what if it is? we're all contributing to this sick, mediocre and totally materialistic society - so, who cares? look - i'm not mother mary, i'm not the buddha....i'm not even sure if i'll get into rock 'n' roll heave. it's just, well, i've always been from the school of thought that you should do what you want. you're only going to live until you're 80, if you're lucky! start a band, rally congress; peddle the ass that god gave you and sell drugs - try nitrous. listen to punk rock. whatever." she flicks the ash of her cigarette. "start by calling in sick tomorrow and saying, 'damn the man.'" 

 
 
 

once the sun sets, like clockwork, joey awakens. not the joey kiss described prior, but the joey kiss that is written about in tabloids cross-country. the dopey, long-limmed greaser goofball with one-liners for days and some kind of upper stashed in his motorcycle jacket. he grins and nudges her, "oh, doll, don't you know that you'll always be the fanzine girl, writing stories about her favorite bands and articles about your revered single adventures? you know, when you carried around all your knick-knacks and dollies and didn't know up from down? you're always gonna be that girl." for a second, her face goes blank and she isn't the nearly 30 (no numbers here, people) woman, mother of one; but the 20-something young riot grrrl, adorned in a babydoll dress and some knee-high stockings, preaching about this notion of a social revolution via her homemade fan art. 
"i used to xerox feminist statements and put them all over cars and in libraries and grocery stores. just things like : LET NO MAN HOLD YOU UNDER, SISTER! or WHAT'S MORE CUTERUS THAN A UTERUS? NOT U! or, you know, a picture of gloria steinem to keep the kids in tune with their own history - i remember also copying textbook images of a woman's reproductive system and pasting them onto a globe. like, dig it, the human body is like middle earth and you need a guide, especially if you're a woman! so all over that globe, i wrote DON'T TREAD ON ME!  that one got me the cover of the local newspaper." kathleen says this, of course, as nonchalantly as someone her age would discuss their past as captain of the cheerleading squad. 
"my favorite," joey, joining in on the reminiscing trip to the corner of doll avenue and memory lane, says, "i remember a sign from a sit-in that i came to see you at. it was on a pastel pink construction paper with glitter, and you had spray-painted : EVE DIDN'T COME FROM ADAM'S RIB. i remember you burned your bra and a copy of the bible. then, when all the protests were over, you went on tour with several bands and, over the phone, transcribed her diary to the hep parade offices once a week. it was the first piece i can think of in a rock magazine from a woman's perspective. everyone ate it up. they loved her - still do." he continues, "we first met on a music video shoot for an artist i used to produce and i fell in love with her. she was the coolest girl i had ever met. i was...maybe 17? 18? that was a long time ago. i just remember, after class, she would ditch jimmy and his buddies to make my coffee at the local coffee shop and then come to the studio to write and create fanzines by night. i knew she had a crush on me too - i just knew it - but we were so young and dumb."
kathleen stops him with a loud laugh and exclaims, "now we're just dumb!" she gets up to kiss him on the forehead, comfortingly, and then goes on, "like i cared about making your coffee, pal! it was just a job - coffee's got a job, kat's got a job, joey's got a job..." she trails off. 
and with the mention of jobs, the pink elephant in the room grew from a calf to a cow. a long, silent, almost worrysome pause led to the change in topic : the lost boys' latest single - with joey kiss as producer and sometimes guitarist - is titled "touch me, i'm prick";  and has been the most controversial unreleased single to be released within the tri-cities (arcadia, the isle of grimaldi and cielo) as of yet. never was there a song so bad before, and never will there be again. joey, who has refused to speak formally with reporters, has understandably remained tight-lipped on the subject. until now.
"let's be clear : it's an anti - i'll say that again - anti-rape song, okay?"
he sighs, then continues, "i'm so tired of having to explain my lyrics to every tom, dick and harry rock journalist who darkens my doorstep." at this point, you can see the frustrated, misrepresented celebrity he has risen to. a father, a heroin addict, a punk, a businessman, a spokesman for his generation; but a man nonetheless. the pedestal on which he has been placed upon is crumbling, with a foundation built on the entire apathy of a generation, that aren't standing on the most solid of footing themselves. 
"this is fame, baby," she says to him, jokingly, "i mean, get it? that's why i had jimmy kiss in my music video...my next single will be called 'god is god - i am me.' me, get it? the doll - everyone's favorite. not the girl that's in the magazines and in the paper - that's not me. that's my shadow." 
she pulls out her guitar at this point and begins to strum the vaseline's 'molly's lips.' she stops and says, "you know, the other night at the riot house, i began to play this and people were going absolutely insane. like i was fucking stevie ray vaughn or something." she plays the chords over again and says, "this song has two notes!" 
kathleen sets the guitar down and slyly glances over at joey, then the clock on the mantlepiece nearby, and then back at joey. for even added affect, she frowns and looks at her wristwatch. "oh, my!" she exclaims unconvincingly, "joey kiss! it's almost 6:30 in the morning!!" without mustering even the slightest of fake yawns, she seems moreso upset that joey let it get so late without making her aware.
"yeah, so what?" he says, not picking up that it's time for everyone who's name is not joey kiss to clear out, which also includes (but is not limited to) sodapop, ludo, headlock, whatever various lost boys are still breathing and drunkenly draped over large pieces of art, et al. 
"that's it," she says, throwing up her hands. she looks around the room, foreshadowing a nefarious act of doll disobedience and general brattiness, and removes her top - exposing, to no one's surprise, nothing underneath. without hesitance, she proceeds to slowly creep in the direction of her bedroom, but, the whole time, she's making sure joey is watching her and moaning and groaning; saying things like, "wow, i wish i had a boyfriend to cuddle me...i guess it's just me and twilight zone re-runs like always," or, "boy, it would be really nice if someone strong and possibly named joey could carry me to my bedroom and then smother me with kisses." basically, what the rest of the english-speaking world would like to hear kathleen say to them is the anti-be all and end all for joey. this is the moment when kathleen, the doll, the million dollar brat, baby babble, the sunshine kid....hearkens back to her arcadian upbringing. topless, tired, clearly horny and ready to be joined in her boudoir, she then c-l-e-a-r-l-y states that she then wants joey to call it a wrap. 
joey merely nods in her direction, with a foot up on the stone fireplace, hand on the clock. he takes a sip of coffee, made by his own hand - as fresh as the morning dew atop the grass on their front lawn - and says, no, tells kathleen, "you go ahead, baby. go warm up a spot for me. i'm gonna stay up a little while longer and make sure the sun rises, okay?" 
instead of reeling back and decking him, she bobs her head up and down, causing her ratty blonde curls to bounce, then gives him a sweet kiss before strolling away, in her sordid denim jeans, held together with a strategic and creative approach to the many rips, tears and holes of yesteryear. and, lest we forget, her being topless for the better half of the kerfuffle. not that it wasn't a given, but those in view are gently reminded that under all her layers of psyche is a minx waiting to pounce. she struts away, nose gingerly pointed upwards in the air, purring in a singsong voice a tune none of us know, yet is so familiarly catchy at the same time. this is why she's the doll - no matter what the choice or consequence, we're all glued on her channel to see what happens next with our longtime 'it girl.'
kathleen kiss, though, is a different woman. contrived but yet to be actualized and activated, she is one third of a home, the queen of the coco cave; and wouldn't give anything - not a kurt cobain-owned rare left-handed strat, a map of her secret underground tunnels or even an old copy of her original feminist artwork - to change her happy family.

joey trips over doll's eleganza

 
 

just tripping in general, really...

baby daddy kiss has always been a lumbering, clumsy clown and the other night, at the cielo-hosted music video awards, was no different.

after the two kisses left the arena, kathleen was still in her poofy real-life barbie gown and as they made their way to the car, joey tripped on her dress and literally landed in a dirty puddle. sopped it right up.

my black heart almost melted then and there after watching the paparazzi coverage, but the doll - ever full of grace - just grabbed his paw and helped his sorry ass in the gravedigger. ugh gross. she probably got some joey on her and will now have to burn that amazingly glam outfit.

later in the night, kathleen and joey sang at the riot house to "wake up or we break up", acoustically and brought the house down. everyone thought joey was going to propose...again...but luckily he kept it in his pants and is saving it most likely for some prime time special in which he gets paid lots of heroin dollars.

okay, i'm done.

needless to say, kathleen "the doll" and joey kiss are back together! hurrah. quetzy lux can now be raised under one roof! as opposed to several crackhouses throughout the tristate area. 

doll attends music awards show in cielo

 
 

joey confesses he's always been in love with her during speech

all the beautiful stars gathered tonight in cielo and the doll, naturally, was in attendance. her single "wake up or we break up" was nominated for several awards, including best new single, best music video, best female artist, etc. and of course she took a boatload of awards home! it's our girl, duh! 

but everyone already knew she would sweep the competition, so here's the juicy details on the show : kathleen arrived solo on the red carpet, late, and missed securing her first award; she was also missing from the front row for the first hour. seated in her section was caretaker ludo ludovic, wrangler headlock and an empty seat next to hers. everyone was obvi wondering who she would bring as her +1 and we were all left on the edge for the big reveal.

it came when none other than baby daddy joey kiss took the stage - looking quite dashing in a fitted tux and fresh greased back 'do - to deliver the final award of the night, dedicated to the doll herself, for best new female artist. what she really should have won was the award for best outfit of her entire life because she was giving us ball gown debutante eleganza realness and looked 10/10. she deserved a standing ovation just for her look and i'm dead serious. 

in his speech, joey began by how kathleen started as an artist and how she has remained true to her roots. he said, "she will always be the fanzine riot grrrl..." and went on to say how he constantly confides in her for artistic input on his own work. go figure. 

he wrapped it up by saying he has been "in love" with her since his early 20s, much to no one's surprise. then, as kathleen graced the stage in a frigging 90s-style prom-y ballgown to accept her award, the two embraced for a quick kiss on the lips and then she snatched the mic for her acceptance speech. i'm glad she took the microphone from him, because it truly felt moments away from a proposal. 

the two then sat down together for the rest of the show and acted like a junior high couple in a movie theatre on a saturday night. she wouldn't stop pawing him and he wouldn't stop kissing her neck and giving her hickeys. there should have been a camera just dedicated to their reindeer games. joey later changed from a tux into his typical uniform of skinny black jeans, leather jacket and a white tee for the after-party and the doll kept her gigantic prom dress on. the two literally looked straight out of an off, off, off broadway performance of grease and it was what i live for. they made an appearance at the riot house for a round of drinks and stayed long enough for kathleen to not only decorate the top shelf of the bar with one of her awards, but for her to give another speech as well. it was short and sweet and she said that she and joey had to depart to go check on quetzy, as uncle sodapop was the babysitter for the night, and we all know how that goes. 

all i can say is - fans and press alike are both remarking on how they've never seen our girl happier. go, girl - seek happy days through happy nights. or something like that. cue mic drop.

dear doll.....

 
 

come now, gather 'round, it's time yet again to read the doll's latest answers to the questions she constantly receives from fans...
one of my alltime favorite pieces of fanmail asked the doll : "are you just another average cielo airhead?" to which kathleen responded : "ABOVE AVERAGE." i'm dead. #coffin

Q: If you could appear on any popular television show, what would it be? A comedy? A drama? A reality series?
A: FORENSIC FILES or THE FIRST 48 or SNAPPED

Q: Why do people give a shit about you? You're some crazy, depressed, bleached-blonde piece of trash who constantly preaches about burning your bra and strapping on combat boots - what gives?
A: GRRRLS 2 THE FRONT
ALL BOYS BE COOL 4 ONCE IN UR LIVES

Q: This being an election year, who are you voting for?
A: do you know that more people do dope in this country than voted last time for president? THINK ABOUT IT.

Q: So...you're voting for dope?
A: THERE'S HOPE IN DOPE

Q: You've spoken about spearheading a "revolution" lately - can you give us any insight?
A: THE REVOLUTION MANIFEST : all women are invited - be it by birth, surgery or mentality - gays, transgenders, allies, etc. to join forces all over the world. firstly we will take over the media machine and slowly manipulate the straight masses via television, film, music, radio, publications, etc. so that when the time comes to ask those willing to step forward, there will be less of a struggle. our goal is to bring justice to all those who feel wronged, to liberate the opressed and to love the unloved. we will bring all of the fuckers, rapists, molestors and pigs of the world to their knees with our power and move forward to take over other solar systems.

Q: Is Joey going to be involved in this Revolution?
A: yes because someone has to babysit quetzy.
i mean joey jr.

Q: What do you love most about Joey Kiss?
A: i love his greasy hair, i love his leather jacket collection, i love his black skinny jeans and his leather boots; i love his sneer; i love his tattoos; i love the way he talks and laughs at my dumb jokes; i love the kid we made together; i love that he's like a studious, but alternative, tuff punk rock, rough and tumble type of guy. he's just my type of guy.

Q: How do you enjoy success as a multimillionaire writer, film producer and now singer?
A: I DON;T LMAO
I RLLY WISH I DIDN;T WAKE UP SOMEDAYS
SOMEDAYS R BETTER THAN OTHERS
BUT IT;S NICE
BETTER THAN UR LIFE
PRBLY
KILL ME

Q: What is your favorite book of all time?
A: please kill me.
also just 4 title.

Q: You are so fierce - a strong, single, independent woman and mother for many to look up to. How do you do it?
A: R U 4 REAL? i have a nanny, a driver, a caretaker, a security guard, a publicist for a brother and the father of my child is alive and well. a village is raising quetzy and you know it.

Q: Out of all the men you've been with - who was your favorite?
A: TOP 5 : jim beam
jack daniels
johnny red
johnny black
and jose cuervo
aka all my favorite men

Q: There's a longrunning rumour that you don't eat - what's your favorite food?
A: apples - because you can smoke weed out of them instead of eating them
putting the fun in functional since johnny appleseed

Q: But you do eat...right?
A: YEAH LOTS OF SHIT
AS A CELEBRITY LOL

Q: As a celebrity, what platform are you trying to represent to use your voice for change?
A: WHO SAID I HAVE 2 DO THAT
OR WANT TO
OR WILL

Q: Surely you know what you represent to the people - how do you plan to influence those who look up to you?
A: i would tell the youth of today : slack off. call in sick to work. smoke pot. drink booze. stop driving your car and get a skateboard. try peyote. you're going to die when you're like 70, so get it while you're young. smoke 'em while you got 'em. just don't be a fucker; be nice to those who deserve it and let the assholes of the world reap their sewn negativity. be cool.

Q: Has success changed you in any way?
A: absolutely not, i was born for this life

Q: You've been nominated for a music award in Cielo - are you surprised?
A: NO!!!!1! not even one iota!

Q: Who will be your +1?
A: UR MOM!

Q: How would you describe yourself?
A: blonde, writer, mother, avant garde artist...heartbreaker, blue-eyed, sometimes musician, arcadia high school's head cheerleader and homecoming queen

Q: As a writer, you surely have read plenty of books - which character from fiction do you identify most with?
A: HESTER PRYNNE

Q: I heard you only have two cameos in Shady Lake. Why?! We need more Doll!
A: I KNO UR TELLING ME BUT IF I;M ON SCREEN 2 LONG, I'LL BURN THRU AND COME GIT U

Q: You've been in the studio recently - what do you do to get in the zone?
A: i go in, drop a hit of acid, gargle some gin and tell everyone QUIET! THE ARTIST NEEDS QUIET
YOUR ARTIST IS ABOUT TO BLOW YOUR MIND
WITH HER GROWL DEEP DOWN

Q: I heard that you performed at the Riot House this summer, threw your guitar in the air - meaning to catch it - and it hit you in the face. Is that true?
A: heyyyy ohhhh heyyyy ohhhh now i'm still alive
KAT 1 / GUITAR 0

Q: Do you think you've lost your edge and that's why you're rumored to be branching to music?
A: ??????????? I AM OVER THE EDGE!!!!!!!!!
I AM THE EDGE...the edge of a few pills away from ending it all LMAO

Q: Was "I Want a Riot Grrrl, Not a Housewife" ever recorded?
A: no so here's part 1 of the remix : I;M HERE DOING DISHES
JUST RAN OUT OF SOAP
FUCK BEING A HOUSEWIFE
I'D RATHER GO DO DOPE

Q: Speaking of dope, did you really find needles in the diaper bag?
A: OH MY WORD HERE WE FUCKING GO AGAIN WITH THIS BULLSHIT

Q: Lots of fans say they witnessed Joey and the Lost Boys seemingly under the influence of heroin when they were on the road last...how do you feel about that?
A: WHO CARES
how do you feel about that?
did it bother you? huh? did it? did it bother you to hear your longtime friend, pal, buddy and boyfriend and father of your child was out on the road - vulnerable - with a pack of fucking junkies and the word around the campfire was that he was back on dope? how would you feel?
I;D FEEL PRETTY ROTTEN IF I WERE U
ASK ME HOW I KNO

Q: You should record with Joey! That way you can keep a better eye on him and make sure he doesn't get back into heroin. What do you think?
A: I THINK NO
my next move is to do a full-concept piece about the romance between adolf hitler and the polish marie walepska. joey's gonna play hitler and we're going dye his mustache with mascara. i'm going to play marie walepska. sodapop is going to be goebbles.

basically all i heard was : heroin, heroin, heroin, joey and more heroin. gulp.

candy camp and rainbow coalition soft launch

 
 

during grimaldi's gay pride weekend

kathleen was once asked in an interview that if she could be anyone - alive or dead - who would she choose? she answered, "a drag queen." makes sense. she loves her gays and has most of the top tops, bottoms, trannies, homosexuals and fierce lesbians in her corner or on her payroll. because no one does makeup like a drag queen! so it's only natural her latest endeavor is as gay as the annual fire island halloween barn dance. 

candy camp, the nightclub, opened it's glittery revolving doors on sunday morning for a preview of what will eventually be, as the nightclub is still under construction. only the first floor was open and the event featured a brunch, a drag show and a gay pride parade gaythering and pre-party that kathleen attended in a pair of pasties and a PVC skirt, which if you ask me, was worth the price of the ticket alone. and no, she wasn't grand marshall of the parade or the host of the main stage - she was spreading rainbows in the bungalow and singing sister sledge's "we are family" on kareoke. werk! 

candy camp nightclub will feature seven rooms with different themes - IE: disco, hip hop, rave, cher - framed famous queens on the walls and the uniform for the bartenders is a throwback to the orginial days of the riot house : golden sequined hotpants! all the bartenders are already famous in grimaldi and known as the raimbow coaltion, which is definitely fitting. in additon to the club, there is an outdoor bamboo patio and bungalow hut wit. flying above the establishment? a giant rainblow flag. it's basically as gay as you can get. 

so you'll basically find me, once candy camp officially opens, with the spirit of trotsky and johnny kiss at bar number 3 on any given wednesday night.