joey kiss goes to big boy rehab

this would mark stint #13 in rehab for joey kiss. and yes, you read that correctly - 13. 

somehow joey dodged a bullet and was not - i repeat was not - given an intervention after he overdosed on heroin...again...the other day. but today he's not dodging shit and his scrawny ass is firmly in the backseat of headlock's car and on the way to a rehab facility. sodapop later told reporters that kathleen refused to be apart of the sit down and was basically the linchpin in the whole ordeal. 

this is all in the wake of joey being discovered earlier this month by baby mama kathleen in his own apartment, having overdosed and found with a needle in his arm. yikes. the doll sprang into action and hauled him into the nearest hospital after he came to and made professionals deal with him. 

and, not less than a month ago, needles were found in quetzy's diaper bag upon joey returning his daughter to kathleen. this sparked worries that he was back on the bad stuff and the doll, being smarter than your average bear, asked him to take a drug test on the spot. somehow he only failed for marijuana and was thus deemed fit to meander the streets again by our girl. until now.

no word on how long he'll be in rehab, but hopefully he just gets better and gives us less kurt cobain and more krist novoselic. 

in other doll news, she did make a public statement outside of her pretty people club office in grimaldi today. she mentioned joey and his intervention and how she didn't participate. it was a lot of blah blah blah, but she basically said that she had sat in on a joey kiss intervention before and it was not a memory she'd like to relive. she wrapped up her tangent by saying, "i really should have known better. fool me once...shame on..." and then there was a long, confusing pause..."shame on, me? whatever - if fool me once, you can't get fooled again."

um, doll, put down the pipe. i believe what you mean is : fool me once, shame on me; fool me twice, shame on you and fool me three times, fuck you!!!!

kathleen petitions for rehab

after baby daddy joey overdoses

this is some sad news i wish i could say we all didn't see coming, but...today when kathleen went to drop off daughter quetzalith, she found joey kiss unconscious of a heroin overdose in his apartment. 

in the last few months, joey's involvement in the press has been mostly concerning him using heroin again; and although things have been rocky between him and kathleen, she hasn't once refused him visitation of his young daughter. 

he was rushed to a nearby hospital and has been in recovery since, with friends and family nearby. rumor has it that the doll's camp is planning an intervention while he's still under watch and care, most likely in hopes to transfer him to a rehab facility. not only will this be another attempt to clean him of heroin, but also to keep him from doing another tour of the county jail. 

☹ get better, kiss! say it with me : there's no hope in dope! 

doll drafts first 'shitlist'

and baby daddy joey is surprisingly not on it!!!!!!!!

kathleen has always done her best to be a private grrrl, but most of the time, ends up coming off as an opinionated, loudmouthed, emotionally slutty basket case archetype - and that's okay! i love her no matter how schizo she is. but the same might not be said for the men in her life....
our doll is definitely no stranger to heartbreak and has been definitely dealt a shitty hand when it comes to relationships as of late. ever since she dumped that no-good baby daddy joey kiss, it's like a curse was put over her head and she has been sent toad after toad! so, it's no surprise that she's taken to her soapbox to proclaim who's a big dick and who's a bigger dick in her love life.

in this month's pretty people club magazine, you can find kathleen's 'shitlist' in it's entirety - complete with photos - but here's the hightlights : 

gio giotto - this septum-wearing slimy snail will tell you he loves you in one breath and then tell you he needs to be single in another. YAWN! been there, done that and burned my bra.

bae baebel - honorable mention. waste of space. waste of time. just a waste.

sodapop cola - i don't know how i'm related to you sometimes. i would gladly pay for a vocal chord removal though!

jimmy kiss - you're the worst of the worst! should be #1 but you will never be #1 in my heart LMAO! you were the first and this is the last time i'll mention it.

what the hell? where is miss congeniality - joey kiss? is he headlining the list or something? he should be on it just for giving his baby mama so much grief and basically being the sole reason she is prescribed xanax. 

joey sneaks into the doll's house at night...

...scares the shit out of her

kathleen said she awoke to several messages from joey, stating that he was outside to see her, that he knew he was still awake; and then the final, and creepiest, that he saw her turn her lights out. gulp. 
the doll then attempted to page a sleeping headlock to phone security or police or both, later informing them that after she ignored the messages, joey appeared in her room - naturally, it woke her up and probably has her investing in a bedside gun right about now.
kathleen told headlock, who later told sodapop, who later told reporters that joey stated he was there because he had a key and saw no reason he should not be allowed inside.
i'm sure this is the moment that our girl also decided to fire her entire security staff. and get grandpa headlock a better hearing aid. wow. 
the doll had the last laugh, of course - as joey was leaving her property, reporters caught her on film commenting to joey, "good luck to your new girlfriend!" LOL, more like if she's smart, she'll get the restraining order now!!

candy camp to open on the isle of grimaldi

kathleen has had her fingers in a lot of pies over the years and 2k16 is no different for her

she is in talks with her management company, famed hotelier and riot house fam, rudy von rubideaux, to open a new nightclub in the trendy area of downtown grimaldi by 2017, to be named 'candy camp.' apparently, candy camp is another term for jail or rehab among the hep community and now it'll also be known as the #1 place to shoot up, get a refreshing cocktail and possibly catch a glimpse of the one and only doll! 
candy camp is sure to be a hit and not just because the doll waved her wand over it. rumor has it that the club will be built facing the ocean, with wraparound balconies for patrons and an escape tunnel for VIP guests. the best part? kathleen already announced it will be the isle's first official gay bar, will fly a rainbow flag and will host a drag show and champagne brunch every sunday. i love it. she's always been a straight girl at a gay party and now she'll finally be seeing some cashola from it!
this really isn't why i am writing this - word around the campfire is that kathleen has pushed for the opening to be on gay pride weekend in grimaldi...and not only that! those in the know have said that she is asking all of her male cohorts to do drag - and not fuck it up. i am telling you now that if this is true, i will gladly drain the war bonds my great grandmother gifted me for a bullshit coach flight to grimaldi and a ticket to see that show! joey kiss as kathleen's drag daughter is the stuff dreams are made of!

kathleen finds joey's needles in their child's diaper bag

...and the doll catches him with needles and he's not doing dope? we're talking about joey "i've got a problem with dope" kiss!

joey kiss immediately left to get an at-home drug test to prove to kathleen that all was well. he only failed for marijuana. boring! i would have thought, at the least, he'd have some animal tranquilizers on board...

yeesh. must be tough for our girl. the couple has always been up and down, in and out of rehab and on and off drugs together. even though times have recently been shaky for party doll kathleen, she doesn't seem up to her old tricks of heroin and cocaine cocktails and an affinity for all things chaotic. 

however, baby daddy joey has had a deeper past with drugs, including an overdose, suicide attempt and several run-ins with the law. he recently got off court-mandated probation for a cocaine charge he received years ago. i don't know how he got off early, but i have a feeling it has something to do with someone whose name rhymes with schmathleen. 

also, how it got out to the press, we'll never know...
just kidding! sodapop was throwing out the at-home drug test this morning and totally shoved joey in front of the proverbial bus by turning what sounds like a private family issue into a dramatic production (complete with : four-part harmonies, wind instruments in the wings, a violin solo, etc.) 

the rohypnol doll strikes again!

doll forgets what her warrants are for

public record is just that, people - public!! so it comes as no surprise when reporters got their hands on kathleen's criminal record with little effort......

kathleen was at XERB radio station this morning to pimp SHADY LAKE and ended up talking about her criminal record instead. gulp. you know where this is going...

at one point, the DJ asked her if she's had any recent run-ins with the law, considering the mountain tabloid material she's been giving us lately. she did answer as honestly as possible and admitted that, yes, she's recently been apprehended for a hit and run - aka a 'misunderstanding' - in arcadia and another infraction for which she literally cannot recall. 

you know she totally had a glazed-over look in her eye the whole time she was at the radio station and probably had the heroin snots running from her nose when she commented : "i know i missed court for that hit and run in the gravedigger one night, but...um...i honestly couldn't tell you what the second is for."

"i didn't know i had to worry about stuff like that - i mean, i'm the talent." LOL! you do have to worry about 'stuff like that' - aka going to jail - babe! 

this is why i love her! the best part is, you know she won't do a minute of time for any offense! i don't even know how she was arrested in the first place! the handcuffs should have dissolved in a puff of smoke and houdini-doll should have skipped of into the wild blue yonder with a clean record!

💘 wrap party at the riot house!

doll also used party as excuse to wrap relationship with gio giotto

she showed up to the venue in a shirt that read : so many men, so little time, which was basically a fuck you to gio and an announcement that she was, yet again, single. LOL. 

no one really cares, except her ex-boyfriend joey kiss, so in other doll news, she spent one half of her night hoovering over the bar and the other half hoovering over a dusty mirror, if you know what i mean! just kidding. but she was paying her respects to 2K12 : ballet slippers, ratty blonde hair, black drainpipes, snotty nose, eyes doing back-flips....you know the drill.

she had to be carried out by headlock - okay, ludo helped...he carried her purse - and was subsequently tossed into the backseat of the gravedigger, much to the dismay of the various photographers and journalists that had gathered around. there was also a throng of fans, hoping to get a last-minute autograph of their copies of 💘, assembled and, after seeing the state of inebriation on the doll's part, they all dissipated.

ludo commented to the people, "believe me, you don't want her to sign your book tonight...i don't believe she knows her own name..." ugh been there. she probably would have signed the books "JOEY SUCKSSSS" and her own spit. and you know what? i would probably pay good money for that. 

doll debuts first single : "wake up or we break up"

our girl is top of the pops!

kathleen is a triple threat - she does cocaine, heroin and apparently sings now too! she released her first - and probably only - song today via arcadia's #1 hits programme and phoned in to explain the meaning behind the lyrics.
the song is entitled "wake up or we break up" and, yes, our girl is doing lead vocals with 3/4 of the lost boys backing her, angel astazia on backup vocals and the one and only jimmy kiss producing. yes, you weren't hallucinating, ex-boyfriend and uncle to her daughter, jimmy kiss mixed the track. 
kathleen said that she wrote the song one night after several futile endeavors at rousting hottie gio giotto from a deep slumber. current main squeeze and now the isle of grimaldi's top playboy, gio is the inspiration for a lot of wet dreams, but who would have thought he was the muse for a piece of music? not me!
the moral of the story is the song obvi is #1 in the charts and our hearts already and at the top of everyone's playlists. who knows if the doll will record again and who cares? "wake up or we break up" is a true riot grrrl punk rock funky disco rock 'n' roll jam if i've ever heard one. i hope she wins a grammy for this. 

💘 is released, goes to the top of best-seller list

the doll's book is finally out and it's everything we wanted it to be

just to preface : before shady lake was announced, the doll was supposedly putting the finishing touches on 💘, and for months it seemed as if she had forgotten about her sequel to ☺ and was more interested in overseeing the production of her first film.

luckily she put our fears at bay with the surprise release of 💘 today and shut all the haters up. even joey kiss. no one has heard a peep out of him and it's good - he won't be seeing a dime off of the proceeds anyways! alimony will still be just another word he doesn't know the meaning of and probably can't spell.

with that being said, 💘 is full of NSFW polaroids, profound essays, hella private journal entries, newspaper clips, hotel bills, postcards, bar coasters, riot grrrl paraphernalia and just basic commentary on life, this book is surely going to be known as kathleen's masterpiece. i don't know if she can top herself with this one. 

just kidding!! she can and she will! she is such a genius. and no, not just for dumping that eyesore kiss for hottie giotto, although she does get snaps for her efforts. 

moral of the story is, she just killed the industry with 💘. i can only imagine what shady lake is going to do to mankind considering it's a film and not words on paper LOL. i'm sure either way, we will never be the same. 

joey moves on, but not up LOL

kiss swears on a stack of bibles that baby mama doll is stalking him...

...and the laughs surely can be heard bouncing off of the planets in outer space! now, i don't know where to begin, so let's just take it from the top :
today, in grimaldi, outside of the doll's big ass mansion - the "coco cave", although there is nothing cave-y about it - after dropping off baby q lux into the cokey arms of future step-dad of the year, gio giotto, joey kiss turned around to the flock of reporters gathered in his presence and dropped a bombshell.
he announced that he had a new girlfriend - and no, she's not one a snake swamp witch from one of grimaldi's back alleys - he actually wouldn't disclose as to who she was, as well as her name. i'm honestly doubting she's even real. then he also announced that this baby mama kathleen and her new eye candy gio have been threatening him and also potentially stalking his new invisible girlfriend.
LOL! the doll has wayyyyyyyy better things to be doing than that shit! also, last i heard, joey was a strung out mess - now he has a girlfriend? if this is news to me, it's probably yesterday's news to the doll, so.......moving on...
secondly, why does she need to stalk joey? she pays all his bills, pays the rent on his apartment, pays the insurance on his motorcycle...is there anything i'm missing? she doesn't need to stalk her ex when he's in her pocket and she damn sure doesn't care about his irrelevant ass flavor-of-the-week girlfriend!
lastly, kathleen and joey spent years together and no amount of booze, pills, powder or grass will erase their recollections on that one. i mean, shit, every time one of them probably looks at a pile of coke or a needle or a broken booze bottle, all sorts of memories come flooding back, i'm telling you.......

live! tonight! from the isle of grimaldi!

sold-out fanmail Q + A panel goes down at the grand grimaldi ballroom and arena

our girl always has a couple of tricks up her sleeve and tonight was no different. even though she could be finishing up her long awaited masterpiece, ♥, or suing baby daddy joey kiss for custody of quetzy lux, kathleen is instead spending her time locking lips with hottie gio giotto and doing stupid shady lake fan panels in grimaldi.

obvi the first couple of questions centered around shady lake : the plot, the characters, who is a big bitch and who's a bigger bitch, etc...but in no time the doll swerved and was off topic, talking about that kinky ass gio, her lame baby daddy and all sorts of other personal shit!

i'm going to keep it real - nothing irritates me more than her answering fanmail. i always feel like someone should pass me a crackpipe beforehand, and once it's all said and done, i definitely need a xani.

agora, without further ado...

Q: Little has been released as to the plot of Shady Lake - can you give us any insight?
A: it's based off a true story......of seven strangers....picked out by a ruthless killer while they are vacationing in a lake house.....it's when they begin to find out the history....find out what happens....when people stop being polite....and start getting real....it's the real world horror cabin lake massacre movie

Q: You say seven characters - what are some of their personality traits?
A: obvi you already know about coco rodriguez, main star, heroine; there is her boo interest, a varsity athlete by the name of johnny; coco's best gal pals, a set of twins, and their boyfriends; as well as the killer...

Q: What's been your favorite moment of filming so far in Shady Lake?
A: every time filming wraps for the day and i go to my trailer to be pampered by my entourage of servants, who in turn remind me that i basically just got paid for standing around, looking beautiful and being intelligent

Q: What part of your real life is going to be on the big screen with Shady Lake?
A: nothing...and yet...everything...

Q: To switch gears - one thing on everyone's mind : who is this 'Gio' person you've been seen with lately?
A: my baby daddy's #1 enemy, a slick talker, a pretty face...let's just put it this way : if gio ever needs to be identified, i have his dental records ;)

Q: Do you think you would ever have an intervention held for you? If so, why?
A: yes, duh - being too glamorous...if that's possible...

Q: Who do you think would hold an intervention on you?
A: jimmy and joey kiss, because they seem the type - i know johnny, RIP, would never come at me sideways like that - most likely headlock because he's old and gets in his feelings...possibly ludo...

Q: Let's just say this hypothetical intervention took place...what would you say to those who attempted to mediate?
A: good question! let's take it from the top - to jimmy i would say : how dare you judge me! especially you! after all the years i put up with your bullshit!
and joey...you! with your low-testosterone, sad puppy, victim shit! you are the reason i totally started popping pills in the first place! 
and headlock! how dare you! after all the years i have carried you. after all the years - you saw me - of putting up with jimmy's bullshit, how could you blame me? really? 
and ludo? i don't even know why you're here. you're pretty much my bitch, i use you and you're probably too stupid to realize it. maybe you do. i don't care

Q: If you had to hold an intervention for Joey, what would you say to him?
A: stop being dumb, joey, you're tuffer than this

Q: If you had to hold an intervention for Jimmy, what would you say to him?
A: i'm going to stop you right there - why am i being asked so many drug questions? no one has yet to ask me what my favorite candy is, or whose the best kisser or why i named quetzy so wild...y'all are so pathetic

Q: What was the best gift one of your boyfriends ever bought you?
A: ...i had a glow-in-the-dark rosary that was gifted to me by my grandma and by happenstance, my dog at the time ripped it to shreds - jimmy kiss found a replica for me because he knew how much it meant to me.
as for joey, i had a necklace my father bought for me as a little girl - it was a white porcelain heart with pink flowers, my name and the meaning : "pure" - i lost it in grimaldi while partying one year and joey as well found a replica for me.
maynard sucked at gifts and honestly only bought me a bong. 
beau just sucked in general and i should have known better.
i don't really have much love or regard for anyone else, so that's it...

Q: What was your yearbook quote?
A: "there are people i know who won't hut me. i call them corpses" -samuel l. johnson

Q: How did you meet Gio?
A: funny story...can't wait to tell it...

Q: If you were to ever end up in the news with Joey again, what do you think it would be for?
A: killing him, dumping his body and fleeing for the caribbean...

Q: What made you decide to move to the Isle of Grimaldi permanently?
A: sometimes a place just feels like home - besides i loves all the weather and the sunshine and the palm trees and the beautiful people and the beach...please stop me if i'm missing anything...and the craziness and the fast, expensive cars and all the murders and the shootings and the rap videos and the tourists and the foreign languages and the prostitutes and the sketchy taxi drivers and the events and the skyscrapers built with blow money and the hobos and the gangs and all the corrupt police and the roads paved with blunts...if there's anything i might have forgotten, just holla at your girl!

Q: What was the best piece of fanmail you ever received?
A: it was simply a piece of paper with the question R U JUST AN AVERAGE CIELO AIRHEAD?
to which i responded : ABOVE AVERAGE

Q: It is public knowledge that you're a fan of love letters - what was the best love letter you ever received?
A: ...it was from your mom...
it simply said : THXXX 4 LAST NIGHT

Q: Do you have anything to say publicly about Joey's allegations that you are "back on dope"?
A: ...dope? doesn't the pope smoke dope? 
whatever.
joey kiss is a dope so i guess it takes one to know one!

Q: Do Gio and Joey get along?
A: they have never been in the same vicinity with each other for more than 30 seconds at a time, for fear of combustion, but i will get back to you.
joey is soft, gio is confusing - together, they would be a big puddle of question marks

Q: Who kept Wingnut?
A: actually, wingnut RIP

Q: How did you get the nickname "the Doll"?
A: what's it to you - writin' a book? it's for me to know and for you to find out...just know that's who i am and who i'll be forever and ever, or until the stars fall into the sea - whichever happens first

Q: You have moved so much in your life - Arcadia, Monticello, Mulholland, Cielo, the Isle of Grimaldi...where has been your favorite place to live so far?
A: you already know - people come from all around for the women, weed and weather - the isle of grimaldi; the magic city

Q: Many locals wonder why you bought up such a large piece of property on an ever-shrinking beach, as opposed to across the bridge in "proper" Grimaldi - care to comment?
A: i'm a beach grrrl, not a "proper" girl - nice try...

Q: Any truth to the rumors that Joey Kiss will be moving to Grimaldi, in efforts to help with custody of Quetzalith?
A: where are you getting your information? the weekly world dumb dumb? i don't care what joey does, as long as he helps with his kid. he could be out there racing sportscars or walking dogs or baking a goddamn batch of blueberry muffins, it's no botox in my face

Q: One last tabloid question - have you met Joey's supposed new girlfriend?
A: LOL, you mean "rosie palm and her five little sisters"? yeah, i've met her

Q: Whatever happened to Beau Goodman?
A: don't say his name more than once - he will appear in mortal form. he's almost like beetlejuice in this sense. probably a distant cousin

Q: Whatever happened to Maynard B. Alberkraut?
A: works in fashion or art or something in a bougie part of arcadia - haven't seen him since halloween at the riot house in cielo last year...i was naked...he was maynard...he lent me his coat...not much has changed with him. then again, not much has changed with me

Q: Which Riot House is your favorite - Arcadia or Cielo? 
A: um the one i own because i can do whatever i want!! and i have! 

Q: What is your favorite time of the day?
A: this is my new favorite question. my favorite time of the day would have to be three in the morning - it is dark outside, still nighttime, and nine times out of ten, everyone is asleep but me. even though my mother used to call it the "witching hour" and would say that nothing good happens after this time, it's still my favorite.
i usually put on an interesting documentary, black and white movie or quippy television programme and write while the sound plays on in the background. quetzy is usually asleep, with ludo, and the dogs are usually around my feet, snoring. in the summertime, in grimaldi, you can open your door at this hour and finally catch a vagrant breeze. in the winter, this would be the time the embers of the last log would finally die in the fireplace. it is the time the city is dormant, my home is dormant and yet i am fully awake and astute.
so...to answer your question, 3 AM

Q: How did you and Gio first begin dating?
A: i told him "no hay nada ahora para mi" and then also to be a real man and stop talking a bunch of nonsense; to stop playing reindeer games with me and treat me like the queen i am

she should seriously think of scrapping shady lake and just film a reality show instead. i would fund many of her eight-balls to see that. 

joey wants to put his dusty ass paws on giotto

joey wants to "check him" and "make him answer"

oh boy...
after the sensational article "spin or spun" came out in hep parade last week, some are fearing that there might more to the rumors that the doll is back on the wagon again. or back in the saddle. whatever, point is the article made it seem like as soon as baby q is out of sight, she's railing lines and shooting up and doing shots and smoking doobies until she's falling asleep in the middle of an interview!
so what? as long as quetzy doesn't see, quetzy doesn't know. besides, she's still a baby! she's not going to remember all the times her mama was a hella wasted.
reporters have video of joey stating that he wants to "check" gio the next time that he sees him. joey said that gio is a "crab," ie : walks sideways, talks sideways, acts sideways; and that he's going to "make him answer" for some of the things written in the article. um, make him answer for what? the doll and cocaine go back deep - we all know triple g - gianni giovanini giotto - did not make the introductions, let's be totally real. 
joey told sodapop, and obviously sodapop then told the media, that he thinks pantydropper gianni is making the good shit readily available to kathleen in grimaldi - as he's living in her "coco cave" - and considering she is weak and addiction-prone, it is thus creating a sketchy environment for baby q, who is 86.76% of the time with her mama! gulp. i smell a custody battle of the century...that joey will lose, LOL! and didn't he just get popped for heroin? he needs to sit down. 
in other doll news : because of "spin or spun", sodapop told reporters that kathleen will not be doing interviews never, ever, ever, ever again, not even on a bet, not even if it would save her life, so don't even fucking ask! he said she felt taken advantage of by the media machine and it's not cool.
um? taken advantage of? she was the one slapping herself awake and acting like a coked-out mess at dinner! she took advantage of her own damn self by continuing the interview, when she should have just went home to her big ass mansion to do drugs en privé. also, doesn't she pay headlock to watch over so that she can specifically avoid events like this? i just can't...

spin or spun

"down dropt the breeze, the sails dropt down,
'twas sad as sad could be ;
and we did speak only to break
the silence of the sea!

day after day, day after day,
we stuck, nor breath nor motion;
as idle as a painted ship
upon a painted ocean.

water, water, every where,
and all the boards did shrink;
water, water, every where,
nor any drop to drink."

-samuel taylor coleridge, the rime of the ancient mariner

the isle of grimaldi made its name originally in the 1920s for being a hotbed of pre-depression latino and caribbean-influenced architecture; but moving towards the 1980s, grimaldi became worse for wear as the inevitable drug trade and its consequences from the neighboring south and central american countries made its way north into the port. before long, drugs - mainly cocaine - took hold of the city and left its historic art deco architecture in shambles as grisly gang wars unfolded throughout the city. 
it took years of patience from the island, but by the early 2000s, restoration projects - rumored to be even still funded with blow money - began sprouting up all over the grimaldi area. last year, grimaldi's mayor announced that all historical architecture had been repaired to meet the qualifications of national museum standards. furthermore, certain designated buildings, neighborhoods, as well as native heritage would become protected by law to remain as such, through consistent maintenance and preventative efforts. 
for the last several decades, grimaldi has slowly gained the reputation of notorious party city.  it neighbors south america, europe and the many islands of the caribbean : locales only the most exotic and alluring of beauties exist. with influences and visitors from these nearby areas, the isle has become a melting pot of cultures, although does remain true to its primarily latino roots. 
grimaldi proper, also known as "downtown", is generally recognized for its skyline of high-rise buildings and is known mostly for its business and financial district, with a system of subways connecting the districts with nearby neighborhoods. constructed mainly during the 1980s drug boom, it does give off the grandiose metropolitan impression the drug lords of years past were aiming for; yet, it seems to be a world, not a bridge, away from the beach-y affluence of grimaldi. known now as the "party isle", it consists mainly of extravagant nightclubs, boutique hotels, posh restaurants, high-end shops and the like to cater to the many well-off tourists. 
for them, and for the doll, it has become the ultimate playground.

the rich, elite and privileged all flock to dust in grimaldi.

kathleen, "the doll", the girl from arcadia, has come to grimaldi to stay.
having purchased a condo several years ago on the edge of the upscale downtown area, she spent these years seeing grimaldi through a veil from a tower. then, nearly two years ago, she purchased a plot of land on the southernmost tip of the beach and began construction on what would become her "coco cave" : a sweeping estate that consists of an opulent mansion nestled within a set of extensive interlacing gardens that face both the ocean and the bay. a grand property, it is the be-all and end-all of grimaldi mansions. reported to have well over 20 bedrooms, 30 bathrooms, a ten-car garage, an indoor roller rink, two indoor pools, a ballroom, a movie theatre, an aquarium, a yoga studio and a 20,000-bottle wine cellar - it became famous in grimaldi before construction even broke ground at 261 cocoanut gables lane.

inside the gates of her manor, headlock is the first to be seen - he lumbers out of the gravedigger and up to the security booth in front of the main gate to chat with the guard, kathleen is busying herself with assisting her daughter quetzalith lux out of the towncar - but gianni is the first to introduce himself. 
he extends his hand and acquainted himself as gianni gionvannini giotto, but remarks that "it's a mouthful," and laughs that, "gio" is just fine. he is just as good looking as the papers have reported : his skin is a caramel color, smooth; his eyes a soft hazel; he stands a little taller than kathleen - not nearly as tall as the 6'8" joey kiss - and has the muscle definition like that of a mixed martial arts fighter. he balances his look with a septum hoop hanging from his nose and a pair of leather boots upon his feet. wearing a faded, threadbare tee-shirt from an obscure punk band and toting quetzy's diaper bag on his shoulder, he appears a decent balance of hunky eye candy and right gentleman.
inside the coco cave, one could easily get lost. the entrance hall is like a large ballroom : a glowing chandelier hangs over a very gone with the wind-style floating staircase and a sparkling marble floor reflects the entire space, so you feel like you're drifting in a dream. 
from the main hallway, a large sitting room is to the right, complete with a full bar; kathleen remarks that the shining was her inspiration for a lot of the design, also noting that the carpet on the third floor is identical to the famous hexagonal pattern used in the film. 
there is a wing exclusively for quetzalith, a wing for kathleen - including a cluster of closets, a spa and a studio for her writing - as well as a two-story library. there is a working elevator. there are extensive maids' quarters to allow live-in staff. believe it or not, there is a panic room.
and these are just the point of interest reported in the newspapers. in addition, there is also a movie theatre, a an atelier photo shoots, and a music studio - built when the home was intended to be shared with producer, joey kiss - as well as an underground tunnel leading several various escape routes. the tunnel, naturally, kathleen has no comment for, but did not waste time in mentioning it. 
the "million dollar brat", as she's been called, even spared no expense and brought back an archaic household device : the dumbwaiter. she remarks that it has come in incredibly handy for the baby and that she plans on installing one in all her homes. whether she is joking or not, it is unclear. 

she leads me to her wing, to her bedroom, where she has a lavish sitting area that overlooks the vast gardens that fill most of her property, along with a view of the sparkling grimaldi bay from the east. 
she leaves to change her outfit and when she returns, she is donning some sort of vintage-y, floral-patterned pantsuit with simply a lacy bra underneath. she has on chunky boots that invoke the spirit of the 1970s; her hair is atop her head in a sort of ratty beehive up-do.
certainly a change from her typical babydoll dresses, knee-high socks and ballet slippers, a nod must be made to gio, as his background lies mainly in the high fashion realm. 
ludo ludovic - longtime friend, caretaker and now nanny - trails in, quetzy on his hip, and begins talking to kathleen about her day. she comments that although she was in downtown grimaldi to oversee an upcoming shady lake event, nothing really eventful happened and that she was excited for her weekend trip to the beach, where close friend angel astazia would be joining her. to which ludo responded, "speaking of, where is joey? he was supposed to be here to pick up quetzy before you left for downtown." 
the topic of joey kiss undeniably upsets kathleen. she responds, "joey? i don't know where joey is. i don't concern myself with whatever the hell he's doing. he might be in the studio - he might be doodling on his sketchpad or drinking a piña colada; he could be baking a goddamn gingerbread house for all i care, but he's obviously not here right now," and leaves it at that. 
the two are clearly not together; however, seem to be remaining civil for the sake of their child. despite the reports of public intoxication of both their parts - not to mention, joey was recently arrested for heroin possession - quetzalith appears to to be a healthy one year-old, so perhaps it is for the best that the iconic pair split early in her life.
at this time, the intercom on the wall buzzes and headlock announces that joey kiss - who can be heard in the background - has arrived. kathleen rolls her eyes to gio. she walks to a nearby floor-length mirror, no doubt to check her appearance one last time before crossing paths with her ex, when gio says quickly, "don't worry, babe, i'll go." she gives a look and he says, "i'm sure. besides i could take your baby daddy." she glances over in another direction, as if in an attempt to damper his threats; he laughs and says, "and he knows it too." 
unbeknownst to the press, ludo ludovic travels in between the estranged kathleen and joey, almost as a peacekeeper; but definitely keeping the old aphorism of 'it takes a village to raise a child' well alive. with baby q safely under her father and godfather's watch, kathleen pleads to continue the interview at a later time. 
as she is a young mother with only so much free time to herself, there is no apparent reason not to oblige her, and a deal is struck.

it is nearing two in the morning and kathleen is falling asleep at her booth in the VIP section of the tropigala lounge. headlock has already been sent, via phone call, with the gravedigger to transport her, but people are beginning to notice.
earlier in the night, she had spent well over 30 minutes in the bathroom, and only came back to poke at her food with a disinterested look, before it eventually went cold. 
now more interested in her cocktail, and in gio, she seems to be ignoring the fact that she is in public and she does have an audience - everyone in the restaurant is looking on to her, watching her, wondering what will she do next?
obviously much different without the need to tend to her daughter, kathleen has so far spent the free time getting loaded and enjoying the company of her new paramour. however, these are the moments that the press live and die for. the media simply cannot wait to get a photo of fresh trash marks or a reddened nose, dribbling powder as she exits the ladies room. these are the times they relish and these are also the times many thought kathleen had left behind; however, are now becoming all too familiar. 
as a result from years of mistreatment in the public eye, she has become more and more reluctant to address the media. angry and paranoid, she has learned to speak little of her feelings. she talks in riddles, probably with feign hopes few to none will understand her. she has few she can trust. those she does trust are known to live with her - kept close, in her pocket. her behavior towards the press has been like that of a ghost. instead of taking an interview - she will rip out pages from her journal and sends them in to various magazines, most likely with the feign hope that someone will see it - a beacon in the storm : her S.O.S. signal. 
the public eats it up, but most remain curious : is she back to where she was when she dated jimmy kiss? what about her infant daughter? is her home in affluent grimaldi like a drug den again, needles strewn about and coffee tables dusted with coke? is she working? does she care? does she need help? and the question on everyone's' mind : what happened to the good old days of the doll?
with that, she responds quietly, "you know, i tried so hard to keep myself from falling back into my bad old ways. but it really chars my heart to hear about 'the good old days.' there were no good old days." she stops for a moment, takes a breath and laughs, possibly cynically, possibly in remorse and says, "these are the good old days."
she looks to the ground. "the dream of arcady is through," she begins her typical cryptic talk, then takes a sip of her cocktail, "but the albion sails on course."
before any headway could be made on deciphering another doll code, the bartender trots over to her section with an important phone call for her. she disappears for a moment, off to another end of the lounge, and comes back rather anxious. she changes topics quickly and spirals into tangents; at one point, she slaps herself awake and then continues on without regard.
she talks of her new home and it's lavish layout; she talks of joey kiss potentially moving to grimaldi; she talks of how swell she and gio have been; she talks of filming shady lake. everything she speaks of has a heavy dose of positivity to it; she speaks of her lush home in grimaldi, but not how solemn and lonely it stands without her once secure, now disbanded, family roaming the halls.
perhaps, though, she is just putting on, still proving that she is legendary at grabbing a headline; but then again, perhaps not. 
kathleen definitely seems to wear the weight of the world on her shoulders, a heavy heart; she has a permanent gaze in her eyes that begets a broken heart and the possibility as to if she was left alone, left alone for too long in that big house without anyone to talk to. 
she is like that of the ancient mariner with his albatross around his neck, doomed to walk this earth and share her tale. as such, day after day, day after day, the doll seems to be stuck, with neither breath nor motion; she seems to be as idle as a painted ship upon a painted ocean.

g. giotto is about to be 6 feet under

and the doll is going to be on the first 48

and that is straight from our girl's mouth! 

today kathleen appeared on a very popular and a very televised arts programme to discuss, promote and plug shady lake; but of course spent about 30 seconds discussing shady lake, and the rest of the time talking about her personal life. LOL.

apparently, last night kathleen and triple g - g. gio giotto - were out in grimaldi, at fancy schmancy tropigala lounge and grille having dinner, when baby daddy joey's name became the topic of conversation - according to patrons - and gio popped off. guests at the restuarant said that the two did not give even 1/2 a fuck that they were in public and began having a very intense row in front of everyone.

the best part came - one customer said - when a waiter came over and tried to tell the doll to hush, to which she whipped her head around and screeched, "i don't give a fuck!" in his face and then went right back to yelling at gio. the waiter should have taken the cue to respond, "well, you should give a fuck!" but feared his impending doom and skipped away from kathleen.

the argument ended with the doll throwing her drink in his face and turned heel to walk out of the restaurant. from there, the manager commented that giotto went to the bathroom, punched a mirror and left without paying the bill. classy.

after that, bystanders commented that he hopped from bar to bar, annoying locals and causing more of a raucous. one person said they saw him peeing off of the roof of a bar; another said they saw him and a group of pals punch walls and kick mirrors off of parked cars.

um.......am i wrong or is gio a grown ass man? why in the hell is he running around like he just had his first cocktail, punching glass and acting like a fool? he is really showing his ass right now and i wouldn't be surprised if baby babble changes the locks on his ass and keeps it moving.

anyways, this morning, reporters caught up with the doll outside of her huge bougie mansion - nicknamed the "coco cave" - and all she had to comment was : "you know, gio is so lucky; he was about to be 6 feet under and i was going to be on the first 48." LOL. 

g. giotto rates the doll

and no, she's not a "perfect 10" girl

even though GG might have a trust fund waiting in cielo, no one in arcadia has heard of him...so allow him to introduce himself! and introduce himself he did, outside of the dollhouse today. a plethora of reporters were gathered, not in his honor like he probably hoped, asking a boatload of questions about our girl. 

giotto remained a gentleman and wasn't kissing and telling, until one asked, "one a scale of 1-10, how would you rate the doll?"
cue his response : "9 out of 10 - because no one is perfect." 
WUT. 

okay joey kiss and i really hope he's joking because the doll is obviously a 100 on a scale of 1-10. wow. i am kind of doubting this gianni's credibility. even though i am still a little stunned by his hypnotizing exotic hotness and raw sex appeal, and kind of glad kathleen is finally getting some on the reg, i am really wondering if he is worth all the fuss. 

of course "those close" - aka sodapop anywhere, anytime - to baby babble said that gianni is super cool to her and is a step up from joey. i don't want to sound like a bitch but, um, joey didn't have a job for a decent amount of their relationship!! and he was strung out! and he looked like he could pass for any punk junkie extra from any generic 1950s motorcycle greaser film. so what if gianni brings her a coffee in the morning and brings his own condoms? joey chopped the doll's lines and that's real love. 

whatever. i guess at least gianni has muscle mass. he looks like he gets three squares a day and that's not counting the doll. LOL. i mean, he looks like he could at least give the doll a decent piggyback ride around the riot house, and that's #1 on her list of turn-ons...

anyways, point is it sounds like the two are getting along swell and joey will just have to bury his head in the sand and wait for gianni to do something stupid; not because he is stupid, but because he completely looks the type. 

doll falls asleep mid-sentence

the doll's not on heroin....but she did nod off during important shady lake production panel

i wasn't a straight-A student or anything but it definitely doesn't take a brain surgeon to see right through the doll's baloney! 

the doll is still in arcadia  which means she got suckered into an mandatory panel for shady lake today and it was classic doll. other than being the sassiest girl in the spot, she nodded off during several questions and, after her eyes did several sets of back-flips in her head, she left everyone thinking : is is 2007 all over again? i can't honestly answer that one for you, but i can tell you that if baby babble is back on the brown stuff, all bets are off.

the best part of the panel came when a reporter asked the doll, "i thought shady lake was supposed to be a horror movie? most of the clips that have screened have many references to hard drug use...care to elaborate?" 

kathleen fiddled with her ratty hair for a couple moments before her eyes closed and her head began to slowly fall back like a sleepy baby. maybe 10 seconds passed before she jarred awake and with eyes wide, responded hazily, "yeah.....i don't know, i don't really know. i mean i suppose if my baby Q is happy, then i'm happy. i mean, i've done really well, but i am just really focused on getting this film done." HUH. WUT. what the hell does that have to do with the price of tea in china?? the reporter might as well have asked her, "on a scale of 1-10, what's your favorite color of the alphabet?" because she wasn't making any goddamn sense! 

it's no wonder the doll is drooling and falling asleep in the middle of a sentence! the public has come to the conclusion that her ultra chic diet of cocaine, doobies, heroin, candy, ice cream, booze, cigarettes, coffee, barbiturates, pills and roofies is finally catching up to her. rock 'n' roll heaven is a-callin' and joey ramone is at the pearly gates with a welcome basket. 

the rohypnol doll

she's a prescription party sister

you know how pretty much everyone in the world is anti-date rape and pretty much therefore anti-date rape drugs? well, not the doll! even though she is a total riot grrrl and has been ever since she heard her first bikini kill song, she recently admitted to being prescribed rohypnol - AKA "roofies" - for her insomnia.

oh yeah, doll, insomnia *wink wink* i feel you.

so, pretty much when you ask the doll, "remember that one time...?" no, she doesn't - because she's been on prescription roofies for years!!

and no, memory loss is not a symptom of hanging 'round the kiss brothers since puberty, it is a common symptom with taking the drug over an extended period of time. 

you know, i have been saying for years that she must cast some kind of magic spell to get people to fall so hard for her....little did i know it wasn't magic and kathleen isn't half the witch i thought she was - it's all due to her being prescribed the good shit! joey kiss was probably a decent human being with a potentially bright future before he met her and she slipped him one of her magic pills...now he's just another cute junkie with good music taste in a leather jacket.

g. giotto sends doll sexy naked mirror selfie

joey kiss is going 2 be so jealous!! 

after writing about joey kiss' sad foray back into heroin addiction the other week - and also him looking like a homeless and confused wet mop in his brother's clothes -  i really didn't think i would have to write about a more eyebrow-raising situation for quite some time...
...and then gianni giotto walked in naked and joey kiss was like, "goodbye - farewell! i'll let the homeboy GG take it from here". 

the doll was recently snapped at the cielan riot house, locking lips with giotto and eventually getting slapped around by him, kinky-style. most people speculated that she was on the verge of dumping joey because he was jailed for heroin possesion, but kathleen said, "guess again!" when, on monday, she went to visit joey in jail and then turned heel to hang with gianni. nice.

and now it's come out in the papers that on her birthday, gianni sent the doll not one, not two, but three thirsty-as-hell nudie mirror selfies that - you guessed it - were leaked on the internet. the photos, along with a snap of the couple at the doll's birthday party were later deleted. either way, joey is going to love this.

i'm sure the beautiful one can explain some kissing and love bruises, but after the leaked nudes, i doubt she can explain gianni's giant salami plastered all over the web! 

especially if said salami was anywhere near her person...real talk...

anyways, who knows if the kisses will stay together, break up, be friends, whatever. all i know is, i saw the NSFW pic of GG and i could care less! kathleen act like she needs hard dick half the time and gianni definitely has some! she needs to drop her panties in his direction!!

as for joey, it's unfortunate that he's a kiss and has a natural disposition to be a fuck-up. unless he's packing more than giotto - which i seriously doubt - he needs to start racking whatever braincells he has left to keep his girl by his side! 

because if i was her, i would already be in that hot piece gianni's bed with little to no clothes on, for real real, not for play play.

happy birthday baby!

international doll day

another year and the doll doesn't look a day over 22! i don't know if she's found the fountain of youth or if she's making a magic elixir for herself with the blood of local junior high students, some voodoo herbs and a unicorn hoove, but it doesn't matter to me! she's still killing it and i'm still proud to be her #1 fan. 

this year, though, there wasn't any lavish celebration - there were no edible diamonds on her cake, no tower of presents, no fireworks show - instead, a small party was held in her honor at the cielan riot house and less than 50 were in attendance. 

the big question on everyone's mind was : is homewrecker gianni giotto going to show up? and the answer was YASSSSSSSSSS!!! sodapop confirmed that while baby daddy joey kiss is away, the doll is at play....with gianni....

guests told reporters that gianni brought kathleen an eight-ball of love and a big bouqet of roses. she made no qualms about kissing him in front of the patrons and at one point, thanked him during her speech to guests in the vicinity. 

um......wut? she doesn't even know him! i mean, i get it doll, he's sexy and has a body that even a greek god would be jealous of, but that's not the point! she doesn't even know his middle name! she hasn't even dropped acid with him! how could she trust him? maybe she should pay a visit to the cielo county jail after all.....