doll goes live 'n' loud in arcadia

 
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without further ado…let’s boogie!

the doll has been on a semi-sabbatical and in semi-hibernation this year, doing just enough to keep her fanbase alive...but she now has something cooking in the oven and it's not a bun. thank god. she announced today via her PR team that she will be recording a rockin' new year's eve special for the popular music channel - HEP! television - which is in a way selling out but also in a way not surprising that they finally nabbed her up. no future announcements for future projects have been made. even though we'd all make special sacrifices if she announced a reality show.

HEP!tv is selling tickets for £3,000 and a "VIP experience" for £5,000. to which i say - VIP EXPERIENCE????? what in the hell does that mean anyways? you get to use the doll's golden port-a-potty backstage and hoover over some rockstar-approved booger sugar? maybe get schlepped along with the other poor saps who shelled out a bunch of money to be stood in front of a step and repeat for an awkward pose with an inebriated doll? i really can't imagine anything much cooler. my VIP experience would be the doll coming to pick me up from my house in the gravedigger, i become her best friend on the way to the venue and by the time she's to grace the stage, she takes the mic and introduces me as her new backup singer. that's real VIP. also to be showered with champagne.

other than knowing for sure that a few musician friends of the doll's will surely be performing - it has been confirmed that kathleen is the headliner, no bazinga. and yes, she will be plugged in. despite many rumors that kathleen has about as much of a concept of how to play an instrument as she does nutrition, she can actually wail.

it's the end of the world as we know it

 
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the doll is a shiny, happy people

before 2k19 ends and 2020 begins, the doll knew we all needed answers. answers to questions about her and only her. LOL. it's been a long decade for the doll - she's had a baby, banged two out of three kiss brothers, incited a riot, opened two riot houses, made a couple movies, watched a bunch of her cracky mates go to the great gig in the sky......the list goes on. point is - she's been there, done that and has basically given her life to sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll.

Q: How have you been? We've missed you!
A: i don't really miss you, but i sure miss dunkaroos

Q: Do you think you're fading from the spotlight? Fans seem concerned...
A: they should be. but i would burn out before fading away

Q: How did you get to where you are now?
A: with my charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent - in that order

Q: What do you want for Christmas?
A: to not have to do this anymore

Q: What's coming up in 2020 for the Doll?
A: HERE;S THE DEAL: i want to write my book in solace and peace; i want to work on my album and wailing skills to debut at the second freak fest; i want to wear only pink; i want to put rhinestones under my eyes so i can SPARKLE NEELY SPARKLE at all times; i want to eat candy, cake and sweets; i want to watch sunsets as much as possible; i want to swim in the ocean with my feet up; i want to not be bothered

Q: Why should we care?
A: because...because the world is round, it turns me on
because the wind is high, it blows my mind
because the sky is blue, it makes me cry

Q: Do you still do acid?
A: it's almost 2020, what do you think?

Q: Are you going to give Quetzy a sibling?
A: LMFAO
HELL NO! she ruined my body, stole my youth and sucked my energy

Q: What's the best meal you've ever eaten?
A: 6 jelly belly jellybeans, 3 cups of ginger tea, 1/4 cup of applesauce and some saltines
YUM YUM

Q: What's your skincare routine?
A: putting rhinestones on my eyes
glitter on my eyelids
and drawing clouds on my face with eyeliner

Q: What do you believe in, above all?
A: ......ROCK 'N' ROLL BABY - YEAH BABY!!

Q: What do you call sex with Jimmy?
A: "burying the hatchet where it won't rust"

Q: What's Jimmy Kiss' name in your phone?
A: GIMME DANGER LITTLE STRANGER JIMMY KISS HAS SIGNED IN

Q: What's Joey Kiss' name in your phone?
A: joey kiss...
but his ringtone is the theme from twilight zone

Q: What's the last thing you texted Jimmy Kiss?
A: no words - a picture of me, peeing at the top of a foggy mountain trail; wearing pink camo pants, a pink tie-dye bucket hat and pink stripey top - feeling myself like i was furl, the owner of the building

Q: Are you ever going to bang Johnny Kiss?
A: ...ever going to?

Q: So...are you really on crazy pills? Like, you went to the nuthouse and everything?
A: yes ma'am pam grape jelly jam

Q: What was it like being in the loony bin?
A: SO GR8!! U SHOULD TRY! i had been sad for a really long time; maybe since i was seven or eight or something...i've been to see a bunch of doctors...i've been on a bunch of medications....so...maybe these mitts will do the trick

Q: You're not going to off yourself are you?
A: WUT
no
i am way(yyyyy) too self-involved to do that

Q: What keeps you from, you know, getting depressed and running for the razors?
A: PPL LIKE U LMAO

Q: Do we have any updates on your latest project(s)?
A: no. i'm not a fucking machine.

Q: The next book better be something...your music sucks.
A: ....that's not what my six-album record deal says ya cunt

Q: Gio Giotti?
A: let's not and say we didn't

Q: Is he still alive?
A: haven't checked 4 a pulse in years

Q: What's a day-in-the-life of the Doll look like?
A: tea, cigarettes and doobies; documentaries (true crime, art history, celebrity scandals + the like); a soft, luxurious blanket; something sweet - my nights are spent by jimmy kiss, whether by choice or by force, by hook or by crook!

Q: Do you think there will ever come a day where you don't smoke weed?
A: GRAZING IN THE GRASS IS A GAS BABY CAN U DIG IT??

LOLLLLL. the grass is greener on the other side for her. honestly, i missed her crazy ass. the world feels like it's on tilt when the doll is in hiding.

maybe she's just a doll...

 
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…interrupted

this is the type of “news” i live for, i’m telling you!
today, for reasons we’ll probably never know or understand, the doll did a live broadcast from the pretty people studios about her foray into the loony bin. she was basically the 2k18 lisa rowe.
again, not sure what prompted this desire to spill all the beans and let all the cats out of their bags, but it happened. she started by saying, “you know that movie girl, interrupted?” and us, the audience, nodded slowly and apprehensively. “well, that was my 2018.” let’s not lie, doll - it was probably a chunk of your 2019 too.

baby babble went on to say that she was hospitalized and sent to rehab after her PR agent said she “just took a bit too many pills” and that jimmy kiss found her on the bathroom floor. apparently she was unresponsive, even to some of her favorite words : foilie, lollies, spliff, fizzy drink, sugar, punk rock, kiss, etc.
at that point, jimmy decided to 5150 her and have her hospitalized for 48 hours that, um, led to several months. “i wasn’t eating,” she said, “just drinking tea and smoking spliffs.” she forgot to mention the many nights of being cracked-out, playing magical tunes off her glass trombone.

she mentioned the possibility of turning her days in the cuckoo’s nest into a memoir, but said that under the recommendation of her doctors, it wasn’t “the right time.”
but it is the right time for some anti-psychotics, it sounds!

she ended her trip down memory lane that lead to the nuthouse with, “but i’m all better now. i’m allowed to have yogurt, a cup of soup and…hazelnuts. and when i go for therapy, they let me play with the cats - when i first got there, i was on the third floor because they thought i was going to jump out the window.” cool! yeah, she sounds 100% better.

……NOT! psyche! please pray 4 her.

remember beau badman?

 
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how could we ever forget?

depending on what level of doll fan you take yourself to be, the name beau badman (true name goodman) may or may not ring a bell.

beau was a no-good character from the doll's back-pages of the annals of her life. long story short, she cheated on jimmy kiss with beau and the three were engaged in a gross, cracky, tragic love triangle for quite some time in 2012 and probably 2013. a couple of restraining orders and years later, beau has resurfaced once again.

he was photographed shopping and having a light lunch in downtown arcadia today - a little too close to kathleen for comfort, if you know what i'm saying. his bad influential vibes could seep through bank vaults, i'm telling you! hopefully he minds his own beeswax and doesn't do any homewrecking this time around.

maybe he's also crawled out from whatever rock he was under to be apart of the new doll documentary - it's called DOLL! if you forgot - for the scene on when kathleen was a big cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater and broke jimmy kiss' heart. then again, maybe not. then again - didn't they always say that any publicity is good publicity? or was it that there's no such thing as bad publicity...? either way.....beau is back y'all.

beau coming to the attention of the press is more so because of his brother, bram, who is rumored to be involved in DOLL!, the upcoming documentary about...well...her that, in true doll fashion, was announced two years ago and we still haven't heard anything about the production.

headlock set to retire

the times they are a-changin'

johnny headlock has been in loyal rock ‘n’ roll servitude to the doll well before she became an 'it' girl in arcadia. but, headlock is getting a little too old to be a security guard, wrangler and doll babysitter. today it was announced that headlock would be retiring within the summer. wowie zowie, it is the end of an era.

i'm sure headlock will get some kind of severance package for all is years of undying servitude. think of all the times he had to pull her out of the gutter; all the needles he had to pull out of in-between her toes; all the times he had to talk arcadian police from slapping handcuffs on her sweet little wrists.

rumor has it that forgotten kiss brother johnny kiss will be taking over the security position. well, security plus. security plus deescalation expert, part-time father figure, full-time wrangler; sometimes PR rep and all-the-time apology giver. the eldest kiss mostly has experience with being a schmoozeball within the film industry, so let's see if he makes it past the probation period.

doll releases excerpt from "🥀"

 
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gather ‘round kids and the doll will tell you a tale…

kathleen has been spending a lot of time left to her own devices and this is what we know she's been doing : painting, wearing fake 90s punk rock nose piercings, running around like a crazy, casting spells, maybe doing a little bit of ze white powder and, of course, writing her new book. the last one i'm sure she does all the time as she clearly cares a lot about us fans.

to prove my point, today via the pretty people club magazine, the doll released a taste from her upcoming book, the last of the arcady roses and/or 🥀. she didn't say as to if it's a fictional piece or just some weird trip down memory lane or a little bit of both (like a speedball). either way, you be the judge :

...she looks over at him, driving as always; safely guiding the metal mobile in and out of highways, scenic byways and city streets. it begins to drizzle a bit and she looks in the backseat for their parkas. as it is a vacation, there is no rainchecks here. it's either go or watch the day go by.

he makes a various set of turns until they end up on a street called northwest oceanview drive and she looks up from rolling a joint of dispensary-grade sativa to see a sign that reads : PRIVATE DRIVE / PRIVATE BEACHES / LOCAL ENTRY ONLY.

her brow furrows and she looks again to the loving driver. he peers down at his phone quickly and makes a decided right turn onto a narrow street lined with beach houses.

in a way, she knows what he's doing, as he does it all the time. one time, on the way home, he took a detour to show her massive turtles in a hidden cut. she knows he's got something up his sleeve and it's not just a walk on the beach. but then again, she doesn't know. which is part of his allure.

she finishes skinning up the joint, finishing it off with her signature : a piece of rolled-up cardboard from her parliament cigarettes to create a crutch. "you ready, baby?" she asks, lighter in one hand, joint pressed between her lips.

he looks around the area and drives up a bit, then snaps back into focus to her. "light it up baby, we're here."

"but where are we?" she motions to grab her phone and he snatches it away playfully, shaking his head. "ok, ok. i don't want to ruin anything you have planned. you know i'm #1 at ruining stuff sometimes."

he laughs lightly - lightly enough to show he knows it's partially joke, but partially truth. "not even the rain could ruin this one."

the two exit the car, one faster than the other and one more bogged down by purses, hair ties, chai teas and the like. her hands are full, but she's here, reporting for duty. he helps zip her raincoat up and pulls the hood over her hair. "you know i love you very much - i'm glad we could be here together."

"there's no one i'd rather be here with and no place i'd rather be right now." the joint, now finished, disintegrates in the parking lot from the rain, the blue cardboard crutch becoming more and more visible with each raindrop.

"come on," he says, grabbing her hand, "let's pitter patter."

he takes the lead onto the beach because, as the approach narrows to the sandy entrance, another sign reading : PRIVATE BEACH / NO TRESPASSING stands menacingly in front of them. "are you sure this is cool?" she asks, still walking in full trust, but asking in a cautious manner. she is much like the coyote - always on the move, always watching, always analyzing for something...anything.

"you worry too much, baby," he says, reassuringly. "besides, aren't you a punk rocker?"

she thinks for a second - thinks of iggy pop, the ramones, henry rollins - and mumbles under her breath, more as a reminder to herself than in answer to his question, "i am punk rock."

finally, they come around the hill of beach grass and the ocean is once again visible. not the atlantic as they are used to, as he was born by, but the pacific this time around. they stop, taking it in; a storm is brewing out in the distance. a bolt of lightning races through the sky. it must be near sunset, but unlike the immense oranges and purples of florida, the oregon coast feeds the two incredible shades of blue. the water crashes on rocks in the far distance.

she lights up a cigarette, punk rock style, and he grabs her hand, steering her to the left. they walk, in silence only to take in the moment and do their best to cement the memory. the silence breaks only for her voice to speak, "wow, this is really beautiful. i really love storms like this." boom. clap of thunder.

he smiles and the two continue on. she finishes her cigarette just as he stops, turning towards the ocean for a moment. he's thinking about something but she doesn't quite bother him. sometimes a person just has to be in their head, you know? talk to themselves. you know yourself best, after all.

he turns to her now, back to the ocean, and points behind her. behind her is a small, purple-colored beach house with a little white gate and a hanging plant in the bay window. "look at that!" he exclaims, turning her attention away from him and the ocean, "what a funky little house."

she turns around. it is funky. it's a faded lavender color, beaten from the sandy wind and salty air. there are porthole windows upstairs and a little balcony, just big enough for a small cafe table and chair. through the kitchen window, a full crop of small plants take up the space. as it is october, the chimney is puffing out smoke, indicative of an evening fire just probably lit.

she turns back to him. but now, instead of standing, he's on bended knee.

ummmmm.........ok? what the hell is this book going to be about? trespassing? marriage? surfing?? i'm lost. maybe if i was an eight-ball deep and caressing a bottle of jack daniels, the above might appear as a story and not just random words. hopefully this is just the rough draft version...i mean, come on! remember when kathleen used to be our girl, our brat, our babbling baby full of million dollar story ideas? she used to write these powerful, raw essays about life, sex, love and all the adventures of being a woman...

but now? not only has she lost her edge - i think she's just straight up lost it!

doll says she was in a helicopter crash that never happened

 
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in news you didn't know that you truly needed in your life...today whilst on the arcady radio programme, baby babble deviated from whatever relevant plugging the PR agent had planned and started spinning yarns of yesteryear.

the talking head asked her what she was scared most of and the doll took us all back to a time that may or may not have happened.

you would think that since kathleen is a big, famous, flip-floppity jillionaire, she would be most scared of crazed fanatic murderers or rogue paparazzos or something; but no. the doll said her biggest fear is a fiery crash in either a plane or helicopter, but specifically a helicopter because she's already been there, done that and got the tee-shirt!

babygirl went on to say that she is still under some sort of (probably fake) non-disclosure from the fantasy lawsuit, but that in 2012, a fancy, rich-people-only helicopter that she was being ferried on blew a propeller or something. she was crammed elbow to elbow in the bird with ludo ludovic and the lost boys. for about twenty minutes, she said, they experienced hella scary turbulence and the whole life-flashing-in-front-of-your-eyes situation. kathleen went on to say that the flight error took place over a wintry forest night and she was pregnant.

so far, sleuthing fans have come up with - you guessed it - a whole lot of nothing on this story. kathleen didn't really say where she was at the time, just that it was 2012 and you had to be there. generally speaking, not many live to tell the tale about a helicopter going down and not on purpose, but ok….

LOL. all i can say is - i'm glad that 7 years ago, the doll's helicopter didn't take a nose dive into a patch of trees. i would have no one else to judge and love at the same time.

doll's daily schedule

in news you never asked for but somehow want to know…

good day to all the doll fans out there. it's currently 12:31 PM here in arcadia, which means - according to the doll's schedule - if this was 2017 she would have been awake for at least 6 hours now doing her doobie do. this information comes from a fun HEP PARADE article that released her normal routine to show us how she gets on. and no, from the hours of 11 AM - 6 PM it doesn't say "do foilies." it says "do foilies and focus on the alternative revolution."

without further ado, 1schedule1 :

6 AM : rise and shine doll! take tea in bedroom and daily newspaper (her breakfast consists of blueberry tea with cream and two biscuits

7 AM : read, write some notes and brainstorm the revolution

8 AM - 10 AM : get ready for the day - arrange house visits (nanny, maids, workers, deliveries, etc.) with assistant; listen to the wolfman jack morning hour on the radio

10:15 AM : smoke a doobie to really start day

11 AM : head to pretty people studios/offices to work on articles/columns/pieces for the next issue; meet with magazine editor and online content producer to brainstorm next direction

12 PM : order lunch to be catered to team; check in on quetzy; phone jimmy kiss and phone the house to check in with staff

12:45 PM : sneak out to roast a doobie

1 PM : make plans for MOMA screening as a favor - do not agree to stay more than 30 minutes

2:00 PM : take tea in office; go over day's notes from the staff

2:30 PM : post-tea doobie

3:00 PM : check in with quetzy at the house; head to riot house

5:00 PM : take moscow mule in the riot house bar; phone jimmy kiss to make dinner plans

5:30 PM : headlock arrives in gravedigger @ riot house for pickup

5:45 PM : doobie

6:00 PM : arrive at the dollhouse

6:15 PM : check answerphone messages - return calls

6:30 PM : arrange for pickup of jimmy kiss downtown at studio

7:00 PM : dinner at riot house or il coyote

8:00 PM - 9:00 PM : retire back to dollhouse

9:30 PM : put quetzy to bed via lullaby

10:00 PM : nightcap doobie around the fire; discuss with jimmy, sodapop and ludo plans for pretty people club column

11:00 PM : the "last doobie of the night"

11:30 - 12 AM : pass out in front of television while watching mystery science theatre 3000

my question is - what is she doing between 3 PM and 5 PM? there's a gap there which means there's pleeeeeenty of time for crack smoking, suspicious activity, eating lollies and all sorts of stupid doll shit that she's not tracking as lifestyle choices. inquiring minds want to know!!

also, we get it - she's a doobie sister. this we knew. i'm glad her schedule reflects that and she personally plans time for an uninterrupted smoke sesh.

rare doll spotting at dinner in cielo

kathleen was spotted out last night in cielo, first at the restaurant inside the riot house and then at the local corner store to pick up some sundries. seen with her was jimmy kiss, looking decent, healthy and put together. our lovable doll, however, has NOT been any of those things as of recent. she's been having some sort of hard time for about a year now and i don't know if her doctors need to change her prescriptions up or if the anti-depressants stopped working, but something is wrong y'all!!!!

after quetzy was born almost five ago, kathleen flipped over a new leaf in her life and gave up everything that was bad and killing her. so...pretty much anything she put in and around her body. but, in recent months, she's been seeing going back to her old ways. creeping around the town at all hours, looking a picture perfect mess; haunting the riot house bar until the sun comes up, looking all shades of coked out. it's like it's 2005 all over again and i truly don't see a time machine or a delorean or a magical phonebooth anywhere.

doll is probably depressed; posts weird stuff on social media

i know, i know - happy new year. it's 2019 : there's a doll book, album and documentary already in the works, so happy new year indeed.

but, i'd take it easy with the "happy" part, because those close to kathleen are confirming that she's been out of the public eye because she's depressed, on drugs and living the sordid life of a rebel without a cause.

one of her friends noted that she "has quetzy living with nannies so that she can focus on her mental health" but rather is "spending the time doing drugs, running around with bad people and living a really crazy life." throughout her life, many have speculated that kathleen acts wildly to fill the many pages of her books, but it's anybody's guess right now. she is due for an interview on a popular radio programme sometime this month and many are of course wondering if she'll even make that gig. she has cancelled on four out of five of her last appearances, leaving many in the lurch and without so much as an apology.

for now, she relies on a couple of different social media platforms to "speak for her" and has been posting weird quotes from 90s movies, rockstars and junkies; weird religious stuff like sacred hearts and the pietà; and, of course, weird, cryptic literary references as captions under pictures of shit from the 90s, shit from the 70s and anything from the romeo + juliet with leonardo dicaprio in it.

it goes without saying she's "going through it" guys.