pig sting at the 312 dollhouse!

this bitch will never learn! even though her own company hired her a handler because she can't get her ducks in a row and even though her cracky boyfriend just barely strolled out of jail in time for christmas, the doll has been involved in yet another police matter! investigators arrived at 312 skid row this afternoon to "tie up some loose ends" concerning jimmy kiss and beau badman's bare-knuckled street fight. sodapop told the flashers that kathleen opened the door to them and before they could exhale out one sentence, she told them to kindly get the fuck off her property. then she yelled at headlock for even letting them through the front gates!

i don't know what to believe - if you or i pulled that kind of stunt, we'd be long gone in a jail cell by now, protecting ourselves from the butthole surfer rapists.

jimmy wants beau to sleep with the fishes

he probably already has the coffin and plot paid for

the word around the campfire is that once jimmy gets out, he's going to have beau "pushing up daisies." jimmy kiss is back to being the lowest man on the totem pole, again - because kathleen basically lives in the easy street hills smoking foilies with the one person you're not supposed to smoke foilies with - beau badman. sodapop cola opened his big, fat mouth to the press today and pretty much said that when jimmy gets out, he's going to find beau and turn his face into hamburger.

surprisingly, jimmy seems to be handling the news well. wait, what am i saying? he's probably just flooding the jail with his alligator tears, in between asking santa to let him out early in lieu of a christmas gift. santa may not be listening, but the press sure is! you know he totally had the waterworks going as he told the fence this regarding beau;

"he's a rotter - hanging would be too good for him. i would like it very much if she would discard of him."

like jimmy's any prize!

soda has already gone around and shushed the front pages - he insists that his sister and jimmy are still together - she just handed over his visitation hours to the kiss family this week. yeah, right! they're done for sure. expect to see a garbage bag full of trilbies in the doll's trash any day now.

hey! let's not forgot headlock. say the word and he'll have this mess cleaned up in two shakes of a lamb's tail.

jimmy the jailbird

kiss gets a free room at the grey-bar hotel
he checked in and they get to tell him when he checks out!

jimmy just barely got home to arcadia from working in mulholland and he's already gotten himself handcuffed, arrested, thrown in the back of a paddywagon, booked and jailed! at least it was worth it - jimmy kiss was arrested for assault and battery on the one and only beau badman! jimmy's boot heel met beau's face and they definitely won't be cruising for chicks at the bowling alley anytime soon, because beau has a broken nose and jimmy's in jail.

the trouble started when jimmy, fresh off the plane from mulholland, arrived at his 312 skid row home expecting to see kathleen - only she was nowhere in sight! mates informed him that she was at the l'amour, a restaurant and bar on one of the main drags. when he got there, he found beau and kathleen together and had a total beauty pageant meltdown. eventually, the fight made its way outside and as onlookers were pulling him off beau, jimmy kicked beau in the face and broke his nose. cue the waterworks from kathleen.

still, the best part of the story came when jimmy started wailing at the arresting officers, "don't you know who i am?" no, jimmy, they don't! they don't, because you don't do shit! come on, let's not kid ourselves - kiss will roll over and die before he works a day in his life. seriously. jimmy also had the guts to tell the cops his occupation was a "photographer." yeah, right! don't make me laugh! if you're a photographer, i'm a WWII flying ace. if anything, you're a comedian!

meanwhile, back in arcadia, as kiss was getting cozy in the clink - the doll was getting cozy with beau badman! outside of the emergency room, she told photographers that, "beau was rather lucky," and that there will be no permanent damage or need for surgery. she also said that, "he's still quite the looker." i'll bet jimmy was thrilled to hear that.

details are still sketchy as to if kiss will be seeing jail time over the incident, but seeing as how jimmy is in kat's pocket, he should be out in no time! from there, he will surely reprise his role as the captain of the ss kiss beatdown and steady his course for one beau badman.

headlock is a big-time square

he lives in squaresville

this headlock character is no joke! tonight, kathleen and beau somehow escaped his clutches to go booze it up, rail lines and continue on their quest for world peace - and were having a total blast - until headlock came in and ruined everything! he drug the doll's tail out of the bar kicking and screaming and then promptly tossed her in the back of the gravedigger. beau tried to sit shotgun, but headlock did the right thing and said, "what does this look like? a taxicab? hit the pavement, deadbeat!" headlock is totally growing on me. i'm a big fan of his work now.

the flashers outside stood completely floored - they've probably just never seen the doll leave a party so early. headlock told them, "she forgot she has to be up early in the morning." um, i don't think she forgot.

headlock was hired by kathleen's studio, a couple of weeks ago as a wrangler because the doll is as bad as bad can be. her people have already tried drying her out in rehab, but it was to no avail. luckily, headlock is slowly but surely becoming baby babble's absolute kryptonite - he has her home early and makes sure she doesn't sleep in too late. he's built like a brick shithouse, so anytime kathleen gets a little lippy - he just throws her over his shoulder like a sack of sugar and puts her in time out. actually i doubt that. according to sodapop cola, kathleen's brother, he'd just probably call her a cunt!

"from the start, the two of them squabbled all the time. she'd say, "you're the worst cunt," and he'd say, 'no you're the biggest cunt,' and then she'd say, "no, you're the cunt."

i'll bet. he went on, but i think we all know where he was going.

the doll does the walk of shame

out of the garbage-pail pigsty that is beau badman's house

jimmy kiss is probably dropping tears into buckets quicker than a leaky roof during a tennessee thunderstorm, because today, the mystery as to where kathleen has been for the past couple of days has been solved. scooby doo and the gang can pack up the mystery machine - the doll was with none other than beau badman!

headlock, naturally, arrived out front of beau's squat earlier this evening and left the car running. beau walked kathleen out and the two shared a kiss on the cheek before she left. gross, i know. kissing beau is like a dead ringer for freebasing black tar heroin. baby babble said in her own defense, that the two have grown super close as she spends so much time with beau because he's helping her with her new book. she said he's already logged over fifteen hours writing notes. fifteen hours? writing notes? how slow does he write? better yet, can he even spell? i'm sure his only note was, "more drugs, more doll, less kiss."

jimmy demanded she come home for her birthday party, which is tomorrow. everyone who is anyone is expected to be in attendance. well, everyone but beau badman! kiss said, "he's not invited - he can go piss up a rope for all i care." too bad beau doesn't even know how to read! his feelings would have been totally hurt, jimmy. seriously, though, next time, "fuck the fuck off, beau," will do just fine!

instead of running the list at the door of the doll's birthday party for who gets in, headlock should be running one on who leaves. if beau can't have kathleen, no one can! she will make sure of that and run up the easy street hills where no one can find her and smoke foilies until the sun comes up...and goes down and comes up again. instead of lighting candles on the birthday cake, she and beau can light candles for spoons full of heroin to cook over. you know, things jimmy kiss could never offer the doll in a million-flip-floppity-jillion years. or as kathleen would say - "jimmy, who?" kiss might as well go stick his head in the sand now and wait for kathleen to come crawling back to him.

jimmy's "baby babble" needs a babysitter

.....named headlock

whenever the photographers have to pay their bills, they just go to kathleen's 312 home, bum jimmy kiss a couple of cigarettes and before long - jimmy is a-singin' like a canary! he'll sell the doll down the river quicker than lager turns to piss. and he must have done just that today, because people on the 'inside' got hold of word that kathleen's camp - hep parade studios - is hiring her a fulltime babysitter handler. and no, it's not because she's so beautiful. honestly, this poor soul has a snowball's chance in hell of getting the doll to do shit! besides, after one hit of her secondhand heroin smoke....

jimmy said that the man's name is "headlock," which is promising, considering the reputation of 'right-hook' kat. he said that this headlock person would be living with them at the 312, along with kathleen's brother sodapop. soda has already moved into the last open bedroom inside the house, so poor headlock is going to have to sleep on the floor! LOL.

in other doll news, beau goodman has moved back into his house in the easy street hills. jimmy kiss didn't miss out on his chance and told him to "hit the pavement!" today while kathleen was out. beau is MIA and hasn't been seen since, but i'm sure he'll slither back to skid row.